Here Today, Toast Tomorrow

The game: Phoenix vs. Colorado.

Why I chose it: Newly traded Avalance forward Peter Mueller faces off against the team he played for only days ago. Funny how the trade works. You're here one day, and literally gone tomorrow. I like him, so I hope the fresh start will deservedly jump start his career.

For Portland Winterhawks fans: Repeat after me. Tri-City Americans are toast.

For Portland Winterhawks players: Repeat after me. Tri-City Americans are toast. No excuses. No exceptions. Here's the thing: nobody can get inside your head unless you let them. But just in case...If we must allow three goals into our net in rapid succession, could we wait at least 5 minutes in between them? And maybe if we could slip our own goal into theirs in between that to even it up, most appreciated.

And no, I don't care if there's a huge line brawl at the end of the game with mitts flying and total carnage and swear words I've never heard of. In fact, I'm counting on it. Well, that and a bigger number on our side of the score board. Go forth and conquer boys. Have faith and know that Portland will be behind you.

Final score: Phoenix 3, Colorado 1.

The rule: Section 2, Teams, Players and Equipment. Rule 230, Goalkeeper's Equipment.

I didn't make this up, it's right here in the book: Abdominal aprons, extending down the front of the thighs on the outside of the pants, are prohibited. I would certainly hope so. It's a hockey game, not an episode of Iron Chef America.

Oh and backing up just a second: Rule 227, Mouth Guard. 227.b. All players in the age category under 20, and not wearing a full face mask, shall wear a custom made mouth guard. I didn't even think about the custom made part. I just thought everyone got the same mouth guard/chew toy that they then proceed to literally chew up and spit out and replace every week or so.

The morals of the story:

The game: The goalkeepers have to wear a freakin' lot of equipment, including special "goalkeeper's skates" of approved design. It's the hockey equivalent of being a woman, only we have to wear pantyhose, bras, skirts, jewelry and handbags of approved design. On the other hand, if they didn't, hockey teams would have to employ about five or six backups to fill in everytime the number one guy got clocked by a slap shot.

Life: Speaking of uncomfortable office professional wear, I think there should be a similar rule for working professionals. Only in my rule, I would ban more things than I'd allow. For example: 1) On women, orthopedically correct but ugly shoes will be banned at all times unless said individual has a note from a doctor that said footwear is necessary. 2) No suits that look like you stole them from your husband and just wore jewelry to make it look like it's a girlsuit. 3) No evil eyes on other women just because they wore high heels and a skirt that actually make them look a woman and not a man with dyed hair and a pearl necklace.

Next up on 3/7: Section 2, Teams, Players and Equipment. Rule 240, Uniforms.