The game: Replay of Pittsburgh vs. New York Rangers.
Why I chose it: Mais oui. Before it was over, there was a Sidney Crosby hat trick, a Max Talbot goal and total obliteration of the Rangers.
My peeve: I had to get up before noon on Sunday to watch the replay. Ce n'est pas plaisir, but it was worth it.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 23, Game Misconduct Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 7.
Definition: I get it now. The penalties are listed in order of increasing seriousness. A game misconduct penalty involves the suspension of a player for the balance of the game but a substitute is permitted to replace immediately the player so removed. The punishment is as serious as the offense - it involves an automatic fine and increasing number of game supsensions for each offense. It's like the rule in school where if you were absent a ton of times you got kicked out. There is also a sort of "time off for good behavior" clause in here, such that if you behave yourself for a certain number of games without further offenses, they are removed from the current record but they stay in the historical record. There are different categories for game misconduct: general, automatic game misconduct, automatic game misconduct where there is injury to the face or head and stick related. Infractions in the general category include: inciting an opponent into incurring a penalty, head butting, interference, charging, third major penalty in a game, throwing stick outside the playing area, not properly tied down during an altercation, resisting a Linesman in the discharge of his duties and obscene language or gestures. This rule also applies to actions against spectators.
My favorite highlights: 23.5, Stick Infractions, Boarding, Checking from Behind Category. In playoff games, any player who incurs a total of two (2) game misconduct penalties for stick-related infractions, Boarding - Rule 42 or Checking from Behind -- Rule 44, shall be suspended automatically for the next League game of his team. For each subsequent game misconduct penalty, the automatic suspension shall be increased by one game. Prior to the commencement of each Stanley Cup finals, a player will have his current stick-related, boarding or checking from behind game misconducts removed from his current playoff record. They will remain part of his historical record. When a player has played in 41 consecutive regular League games without being assessed a stick-related major and a game misconduct penalty according to Rule 20 -- Major Penalties or Rule 22 -- Misconduct Penalties, he will have the previous game misconduct penalties removed from his current record. They will remain part of his historical record.
In addition, the following list of infractions can also result in a game misconduct penalty being assessed:
(i) intefering with or striking a spectator
(ii) racial taunts or slurs
(iii) spitting on or at an opponent or spectator
Food for thought: Nowhere does it call for penalties or removal of fans who do any of the above three items. Should I be banned from the rink for using the f-word occasionally or booing a ref? Probably not. But racial comments or physical harm is not anymore acceptable for fans than it is for players.
The final score: Pittsburgh 8, New York Rangers 3.
Number of game misconducts assessed: 0. But Matt Cooke was suspended for two games for a deliberate check to the head on Artem Anisimov.
The morals of the story:
The game: This shows how important the Stanley Cup is. You there, with the checking from behind, you're outta here, and here's your automatic fine. You're gone. Bye-bye. Oh wait, it's the Stanley Cup final? Never mind, here's your illegal stick and your free pass to board and check from behind. Go forth and conquer. It also looks like it gives you time off for good behavior, but think again. You have to play in 41 consecutive regular League games without further ado in order to get it removed from your current record. Each team plays 82 games during a regular season - if you commit the game misconduct(s) past the halfway mark, this isn't going to happen.
Life: I love this section of rules - I have a whole shopping list of people and/or things who should be on life's game misconduct list. Only in my rules, you don't get the record wiped clean after 41 games. One time crime, lifetime penalty in my book. Here is my short list:
1) Any man who acts interested in you until you sleep with him and then suddenly loses your phone number until he realizes that no other woman will put up with this crap and he magically finds it again. Same goes for psycho women who take advantage of nice guys until they decide to go back to their bad-boy boyfriend whom they were dating on the side the whole time they were dating said nice guy. Automatic fine and permanent removal of dating privileges until you're old and wrinkled and the only date you can scrounge is talking to the lint balls on his or her sweater.
2) Anyone who seeks to do harm to children or elder citizens - in any way. Free escort to the farthest edge of the Nevada desert in July with a year's supply of toilet paper, Tang and pop tarts. What you do to survive (or not) after that is up to you.
3) Anyone who does not appreciate the following: hockey and hockey players (especially those who exceed six feet in height and speak French), Winnie the Pooh, Star Wars movies, getting up at noon and not a minute sooner on Sundays (except for vital hockey replays), red wine and chocolate, Mini Coopers, Lord of the Rings film trilogy, brunch, latte (whole milk, caffeinated, double shot) and barbecue nachos at Winterhawks games (Portland residents only). You will hereby be relegated to the farthest reach of the Nevada desert in July with a month's supply of fat-free Pop Tarts and your only source of conversation will be with someone who is talking to the little fuzz balls on their socks.
Next up on 12/1: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 25, Penalty Shot. Rule 24, gross misconduct, is no longer in use. It is now part of game misconduct penalties.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Day 22, Rule 22
The game: New Jersey Devils vs. New York Islanders.
Why I chose it: Sheer necessity. I'll be en route to a Winterhawks game later and won't be able to watch the Pittsburgh vs. Rangers game except on replay. But Martin Brodeur is always worth watching - even if you lose in the end, getting a shot by him should be worth some sort of extra point. The man is like a human version of bullet proof vests.
My peeve: It looks like there will be no live Olympic trip for me. All the hotels require a 5-night stay or the packages are $2500 and up for hotel and tickets. And the seats for the Canada vs. Switzerland game are sold out. Not even one single scrap of a ticket for just one person. Not to worry - I still plan to finish the rule book in time for the games, at which time I will turn my eye to the IILF rules. And then it's on to the business of hockey: trade deadline, lottery draft in June, off-season trading, unrestricted vs. restricted agents, etc. Keep reading and you'll learn more about hockey than you ever wanted to.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 22, Misconduct Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 6.
Definition: Misconduct by any players but the goalkeeper results in the offending players being ruled off the ice for a period of 10 minutes each. But the team is allowed to replace him, so the team is not short handed. Also, the player in the box can't leave when the penalty is expired. Rather, he has to wait until the next stoppage of play. For the goalie, the penalty is served by another player who was on the ice at the time of the offense. Misconduct carries an automatic fine of $100 to the offending player. The player does not cause his team to be shorthanded unless he also receives a minor, major or match penalty in addition to the misconduct. Infractions that can result in a misconduct penalty include: banging boards with stick in protest of an official's ruling, deliberately breaking stick or refusing to surrender stick for measurement, instigating a fight, refusing to change non-regulation piece of protective equipment, fighting off the playing surface, verbal abuse of officials and use of profane or abusive language.
My favorite highlight: 22.3, Short handed. In addition to what's noted above, this also states: When a player receives a minor penalty and a misconduct penalty at the same time, the penalized team shall immediately put a substitute player on the penalty bench and he shall serve the minor penalty without change. Should the opposing team score while the minor penalty is being served, the minor penalty shall terminate (unless 15.4 is applicable) and the misconduct to the originally penalized player shall commence immediately. Aha. Now I get why an extra/non-offending player sometimes comes into the penalty bench.
The final score: New Jersey 6, Islanders 1.
Number of misconduct penalties assessed: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: What I want to know is what extreme do you have go to in order to pull a minor, major, match and/or misconduct at the same time? I think Vancouver pulled it off about a week ago when two opposing players who were sent to the penalty bench for fighting started getting into it on the bench, and one tried to poke the other one with his stick. It's like the fight that never ended. Also, the use of profane language rule is a bit ironic, considering that swearing is as much a part of hockey as the ice itself. I know the rule is targeted at things like telling the ref to bugger off, but what if it meant every player was dinged every time they used profane language? Please. The ice and the benches would be emptied in about five minutes.
Life: A lawyer must have written this rule. Like our justice system, this rule has caveats so the whole team doesn't have to pay for one man's action. Well, at least until he commits more than one. What if we applied something similar to our justice system? Every time we give a criminal a break the first time and he or she does it again, society has to pay for being too lenient by serving part of that person's extra penalty. If we knew that we had to serve part of a drunk driver's penalty or register as a sex offender to serve it for them, would we just shrug our shoulders and say "too bad, but there's nothing I can do about it?" I doubt it. We'd do everything we could to keep ourselves out of the box and put the offenders back in.
Next up on 11/29: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 23, Game Misconduct Penalties.
Why I chose it: Sheer necessity. I'll be en route to a Winterhawks game later and won't be able to watch the Pittsburgh vs. Rangers game except on replay. But Martin Brodeur is always worth watching - even if you lose in the end, getting a shot by him should be worth some sort of extra point. The man is like a human version of bullet proof vests.
My peeve: It looks like there will be no live Olympic trip for me. All the hotels require a 5-night stay or the packages are $2500 and up for hotel and tickets. And the seats for the Canada vs. Switzerland game are sold out. Not even one single scrap of a ticket for just one person. Not to worry - I still plan to finish the rule book in time for the games, at which time I will turn my eye to the IILF rules. And then it's on to the business of hockey: trade deadline, lottery draft in June, off-season trading, unrestricted vs. restricted agents, etc. Keep reading and you'll learn more about hockey than you ever wanted to.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 22, Misconduct Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 6.
Definition: Misconduct by any players but the goalkeeper results in the offending players being ruled off the ice for a period of 10 minutes each. But the team is allowed to replace him, so the team is not short handed. Also, the player in the box can't leave when the penalty is expired. Rather, he has to wait until the next stoppage of play. For the goalie, the penalty is served by another player who was on the ice at the time of the offense. Misconduct carries an automatic fine of $100 to the offending player. The player does not cause his team to be shorthanded unless he also receives a minor, major or match penalty in addition to the misconduct. Infractions that can result in a misconduct penalty include: banging boards with stick in protest of an official's ruling, deliberately breaking stick or refusing to surrender stick for measurement, instigating a fight, refusing to change non-regulation piece of protective equipment, fighting off the playing surface, verbal abuse of officials and use of profane or abusive language.
My favorite highlight: 22.3, Short handed. In addition to what's noted above, this also states: When a player receives a minor penalty and a misconduct penalty at the same time, the penalized team shall immediately put a substitute player on the penalty bench and he shall serve the minor penalty without change. Should the opposing team score while the minor penalty is being served, the minor penalty shall terminate (unless 15.4 is applicable) and the misconduct to the originally penalized player shall commence immediately. Aha. Now I get why an extra/non-offending player sometimes comes into the penalty bench.
The final score: New Jersey 6, Islanders 1.
Number of misconduct penalties assessed: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: What I want to know is what extreme do you have go to in order to pull a minor, major, match and/or misconduct at the same time? I think Vancouver pulled it off about a week ago when two opposing players who were sent to the penalty bench for fighting started getting into it on the bench, and one tried to poke the other one with his stick. It's like the fight that never ended. Also, the use of profane language rule is a bit ironic, considering that swearing is as much a part of hockey as the ice itself. I know the rule is targeted at things like telling the ref to bugger off, but what if it meant every player was dinged every time they used profane language? Please. The ice and the benches would be emptied in about five minutes.
Life: A lawyer must have written this rule. Like our justice system, this rule has caveats so the whole team doesn't have to pay for one man's action. Well, at least until he commits more than one. What if we applied something similar to our justice system? Every time we give a criminal a break the first time and he or she does it again, society has to pay for being too lenient by serving part of that person's extra penalty. If we knew that we had to serve part of a drunk driver's penalty or register as a sex offender to serve it for them, would we just shrug our shoulders and say "too bad, but there's nothing I can do about it?" I doubt it. We'd do everything we could to keep ourselves out of the box and put the offenders back in.
Next up on 11/29: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 23, Game Misconduct Penalties.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Day 21, Rule 21
The games: Center Ice is airing a full day of hockey games, every hour on the hour. I've got my eye on Pittsburgh vs. Islanders and Anaheim vs. Chicago. Oohh, and Tampa Bay vs. New York Rangers. It's window shopping, NHL style.
Why I chose them: Some girls get up at 3 am to go shopping. I get up at 9 am to watch hockey.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 21, Match Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 4.
Definition: There is no BS about this one. A match penalty involves the suspension of a player for the balance of the game and the offender shall be ordered to the dressing room immediately. A match penalty shall be imposed on any player who deliberately attempts to injure or who deliberately injures an opponent in any manner. Infractions that can result in a match penalty include: attempt to injure in any manner, biting, hair pulling, grabbing of the face mask, high sticking, kneeing, slashing, kicking a player or goalkeeper and wearing tape on hands in altercation.
My favorite highlight: 21.2, Short Handed. A substitute player is permitted to replace the penalized player after five (5) minutes playing time has elapsed. The match penalty, plus any additional penalties, shall be served by a player to be designated by the Manager or Coach of the offending team through the playing Captain, such player to take his place in the penalty box immediately. For all match penalties, regardless of when imposed, or prescribed additional penalties, a total of ten minutes shall be charged in the records against the player. In addition to the match penalty, the player shall be automatically suspended from further competition until the Commissioner has ruled on the issue. See also Rule 29 - Supplementary Discipline.
The final scores: Islanders 3, Pittsburgh 2. Anaheim 3, Chicago 0 (at end of second period). Tampa vs. NY Rangers is up next.
Number of match penalties assessed: 0.
The morals of the story:
The games: Fighting is one thing and something most fans expect in the course of a game. But even fans will tell you that deliberately going after another player maliciously is not cool, dude. There is a reason this rule is simple - because there isn't any excuse for doing intentional harm. Not in life and not in hockey.
BUT -- I'm pretty sure they can do away with hair pulling for the 2010-2011 season - if players insist on going retro by wearing a semblance of a mullet, other players are doing them a favor by pulling it out.
Life: If only people who do deliberate harm to others in life could be sent down so easily. Blow the whistle and throw your ass out automatically with no chance of return until a higher authority rules. No trial by jury of peers that takes four years to reach the court while the guilty suspect jumps bail. No getting out on technicalities. No DNA evidence. No defense attorney looking for their fifteen minutes of fame who finds a loophole to get you out of it. Nothing. You do it. You're gone. Game over.
Next up on 11/18: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 22, Misconduct Penalties.
Why I chose them: Some girls get up at 3 am to go shopping. I get up at 9 am to watch hockey.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 21, Match Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 4.
Definition: There is no BS about this one. A match penalty involves the suspension of a player for the balance of the game and the offender shall be ordered to the dressing room immediately. A match penalty shall be imposed on any player who deliberately attempts to injure or who deliberately injures an opponent in any manner. Infractions that can result in a match penalty include: attempt to injure in any manner, biting, hair pulling, grabbing of the face mask, high sticking, kneeing, slashing, kicking a player or goalkeeper and wearing tape on hands in altercation.
My favorite highlight: 21.2, Short Handed. A substitute player is permitted to replace the penalized player after five (5) minutes playing time has elapsed. The match penalty, plus any additional penalties, shall be served by a player to be designated by the Manager or Coach of the offending team through the playing Captain, such player to take his place in the penalty box immediately. For all match penalties, regardless of when imposed, or prescribed additional penalties, a total of ten minutes shall be charged in the records against the player. In addition to the match penalty, the player shall be automatically suspended from further competition until the Commissioner has ruled on the issue. See also Rule 29 - Supplementary Discipline.
The final scores: Islanders 3, Pittsburgh 2. Anaheim 3, Chicago 0 (at end of second period). Tampa vs. NY Rangers is up next.
Number of match penalties assessed: 0.
The morals of the story:
The games: Fighting is one thing and something most fans expect in the course of a game. But even fans will tell you that deliberately going after another player maliciously is not cool, dude. There is a reason this rule is simple - because there isn't any excuse for doing intentional harm. Not in life and not in hockey.
BUT -- I'm pretty sure they can do away with hair pulling for the 2010-2011 season - if players insist on going retro by wearing a semblance of a mullet, other players are doing them a favor by pulling it out.
Life: If only people who do deliberate harm to others in life could be sent down so easily. Blow the whistle and throw your ass out automatically with no chance of return until a higher authority rules. No trial by jury of peers that takes four years to reach the court while the guilty suspect jumps bail. No getting out on technicalities. No DNA evidence. No defense attorney looking for their fifteen minutes of fame who finds a loophole to get you out of it. Nothing. You do it. You're gone. Game over.
Next up on 11/18: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 22, Misconduct Penalties.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Day 20, Rule 20
The game: Replay of Chicago vs. Calgary.
Why I chose it: Chicago rallied from a 5-0 deficit in the first period to beat the Calgary Flames in overtime, 6-5. Great sports moments never go out of style.
The quirk: NHL Network is also airing replays of Nashville vs. Ottawa and Washington vs. Philadelphia. All three games ended with a score of 6-5 in overtime.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 20, Major Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 6.
Definition: This is a no excuses, no exceptions rule. It outlines the infractions for which major penalties may be assessed, substitution rules, what constitutes an automatic game misconduct and fines for major penalties. And forget that short-handed quirk where you can leave the bench if the other team scores while you're short handed. In this case, if the other team scores, the guy serving five minutes for the major penalty has to stay on the bench until the penalty expires. Infractions for which major penalties are assesssed include: hooking (rule 55), charging (rule 43), checking from behind (rule 44), cross-checking (rule 59), fighting (rule 47) and interference (rule 56). Many of these also result in automatic game misconduct, along with instigating fights or fighting after the original altercation occurred.
My favorite highlight: 20.3, Substitution. When a player has been assessed a major penalty and has been removed from the game or is injured, the offending team does not have to place a substitute player on the penalty bench immediately, but must do so at a stoppage of play prior to the expiration of the major penalty. He may then legally exit the penalty bench when the major penalty is expired. Furthermore, if the team fails to place a player on the penalty bench to return to the ice at the end of the major penalty, they continued to play short-handed but are not permitted to ice the puck as they are no longer short-handed by reason of penalty. My head hurts. I thought nobody was permitted to ice the puck and that's why they blow the whistle on it. They need to put these rules in a more logical order.
The final score: Chicago 6, Calgary 5 (in OT).
Major penalties assessed: 2.
The morals of the story:
The game: True hockey fans love a good fight, but racking up major penalties and game misconducts causes serious harm not only to the team's ability to score and defend their zone, it erodes their reputation and sportsmanship. If a team is better known for its left hook than its talent, it can cost them promotional opportunities, their fan base and the good favor of the commissioner. Fighting and other major penalties should be an action of last resort, not an act of desperation to beat a better team. On the other hand, that fight between Jerome Iginla and Troy Brouwer in the second period was pretty cool.
As for the rally to beat Calgary...like life, it's not too late to come back until the final buzzer sounds.
Life: I've got a list of people in life who should assessed a major penalty or game misconduct/automatic removal from the game. These individuals should be removed from society for five weeks, and no equally annoying person shall be permitted to replace them during this time. Here is my list of infractions for which a major penalty will be assessed:
1) talking on cell phones in thoroughly inappropriate locations, including but not limited to: cutting off a conversation with a live person to take a call in a sad attempt to show how important you think you are; libraries; book stores; otherwise quiet bus rides home; trains; movie theatres; plays; quiet romantic restaurants and bank lines. A game misconduct will be assessed in addition to the major penalty if said individual is talking in an excessively loud voice and/or repeating themselves 10 or 12 times because the person at the other end is in a dead zone. Automatic season-long suspension for anyone who talks on a phone or texts while in a car . No exceptions, no substitutions.
2) Drivers who don't know where they are going and instead of pulling over, weave in and out of lanes while going 20 miles an hour and then turn with no signal or warning when they finally figure out where they're going. A game misconduct will be assessed in addition to the major penalty if said individual is doing this on a freeway.
3) Overly entitled individuals who think that life is hard and whine because their cell phone died, their Tivo didn't record something or Starbucks ran out of soy creamer for their fat-free, sugar-free, extra hot vanilla latte. Note to twats: if you want hard, try using a rotary phone, having a Radio Shack VCR that eats tapes and having only two coffee options -- Dunkin' Donuts original blend with or without cream. No special orders, no exceptions.
4) Anyone who takes at least two minutes to order a latte in Starbucks because it takes that long to rattle off all the instructions for all the crap they don't want in their coffee. In addition to the penalty, offenders must be removed from my presence permanently for their own safety and well-being.
5) Non-appreciators of hockey who think that fans all live in a double-wide and drink wine out of a box. Think again tiddlywinks. Most of us have college degrees and high paying executive jobs. We live in homes with kids and dogs and yards and go to high-end wine tastings on the weekend. We own businesses and have VP next to our names. We simply like to watch large men score goals, defend their zone, fight, swear and hit each other in the head every now and again. Nothing wrong with that. This penalty will only be erased if offenders get on board with the rest of us and convert to being lifelong hockey fans.
Next up on 11/27: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 21, Match Penalties.
Why I chose it: Chicago rallied from a 5-0 deficit in the first period to beat the Calgary Flames in overtime, 6-5. Great sports moments never go out of style.
The quirk: NHL Network is also airing replays of Nashville vs. Ottawa and Washington vs. Philadelphia. All three games ended with a score of 6-5 in overtime.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 20, Major Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 6.
Definition: This is a no excuses, no exceptions rule. It outlines the infractions for which major penalties may be assessed, substitution rules, what constitutes an automatic game misconduct and fines for major penalties. And forget that short-handed quirk where you can leave the bench if the other team scores while you're short handed. In this case, if the other team scores, the guy serving five minutes for the major penalty has to stay on the bench until the penalty expires. Infractions for which major penalties are assesssed include: hooking (rule 55), charging (rule 43), checking from behind (rule 44), cross-checking (rule 59), fighting (rule 47) and interference (rule 56). Many of these also result in automatic game misconduct, along with instigating fights or fighting after the original altercation occurred.
My favorite highlight: 20.3, Substitution. When a player has been assessed a major penalty and has been removed from the game or is injured, the offending team does not have to place a substitute player on the penalty bench immediately, but must do so at a stoppage of play prior to the expiration of the major penalty. He may then legally exit the penalty bench when the major penalty is expired. Furthermore, if the team fails to place a player on the penalty bench to return to the ice at the end of the major penalty, they continued to play short-handed but are not permitted to ice the puck as they are no longer short-handed by reason of penalty. My head hurts. I thought nobody was permitted to ice the puck and that's why they blow the whistle on it. They need to put these rules in a more logical order.
The final score: Chicago 6, Calgary 5 (in OT).
Major penalties assessed: 2.
The morals of the story:
The game: True hockey fans love a good fight, but racking up major penalties and game misconducts causes serious harm not only to the team's ability to score and defend their zone, it erodes their reputation and sportsmanship. If a team is better known for its left hook than its talent, it can cost them promotional opportunities, their fan base and the good favor of the commissioner. Fighting and other major penalties should be an action of last resort, not an act of desperation to beat a better team. On the other hand, that fight between Jerome Iginla and Troy Brouwer in the second period was pretty cool.
As for the rally to beat Calgary...like life, it's not too late to come back until the final buzzer sounds.
Life: I've got a list of people in life who should assessed a major penalty or game misconduct/automatic removal from the game. These individuals should be removed from society for five weeks, and no equally annoying person shall be permitted to replace them during this time. Here is my list of infractions for which a major penalty will be assessed:
1) talking on cell phones in thoroughly inappropriate locations, including but not limited to: cutting off a conversation with a live person to take a call in a sad attempt to show how important you think you are; libraries; book stores; otherwise quiet bus rides home; trains; movie theatres; plays; quiet romantic restaurants and bank lines. A game misconduct will be assessed in addition to the major penalty if said individual is talking in an excessively loud voice and/or repeating themselves 10 or 12 times because the person at the other end is in a dead zone. Automatic season-long suspension for anyone who talks on a phone or texts while in a car . No exceptions, no substitutions.
2) Drivers who don't know where they are going and instead of pulling over, weave in and out of lanes while going 20 miles an hour and then turn with no signal or warning when they finally figure out where they're going. A game misconduct will be assessed in addition to the major penalty if said individual is doing this on a freeway.
3) Overly entitled individuals who think that life is hard and whine because their cell phone died, their Tivo didn't record something or Starbucks ran out of soy creamer for their fat-free, sugar-free, extra hot vanilla latte. Note to twats: if you want hard, try using a rotary phone, having a Radio Shack VCR that eats tapes and having only two coffee options -- Dunkin' Donuts original blend with or without cream. No special orders, no exceptions.
4) Anyone who takes at least two minutes to order a latte in Starbucks because it takes that long to rattle off all the instructions for all the crap they don't want in their coffee. In addition to the penalty, offenders must be removed from my presence permanently for their own safety and well-being.
5) Non-appreciators of hockey who think that fans all live in a double-wide and drink wine out of a box. Think again tiddlywinks. Most of us have college degrees and high paying executive jobs. We live in homes with kids and dogs and yards and go to high-end wine tastings on the weekend. We own businesses and have VP next to our names. We simply like to watch large men score goals, defend their zone, fight, swear and hit each other in the head every now and again. Nothing wrong with that. This penalty will only be erased if offenders get on board with the rest of us and convert to being lifelong hockey fans.
Next up on 11/27: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 21, Match Penalties.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Day 19, Rule 19
The games: All but 2 teams are in action. Fourteen games, 8 hours. I think I can actually watch all of them before midnight.
Why I chose to sit here and watch hockey instead of hang out in an airport waiting for an airline to strand me on the runway: On deck tonight are Tampa Bay Lightning, Anaheim, Pittsburgh, Montreal and the New York Rangers, among others. It's the grown up, virtual equivalent of a petting zoo, except I can't touch or feed the animals.
My peeve: I can't touch or feed the animals.
My favorite plays: Tampa Bay scoring twice in 30 seconds in the first period. Sergei Gonchar's third goal against Montreal in the second period.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 19, Coincidental Penalties.
Numbe of sections in the rule: 5, divided into sections for minor, major and match penalties, and overtime.
Definition: No, this is not the penalties that just happen by accident in the course of normal play. Not that I thought that...but if I did, now I know. This rule does the math for referees when more than one penalty (match, minor, major) happens to both teams at the same time, including substitutions for players who must leave the game (for major or match penalties). It's like a hockey version of musical chairs. Check this out: when multiple penalties are assessed to both teams, equal numbers of minor and major penalties shall be eliminated using the coincident penalty rule and any differential in time penalties shall be served in the normal manner and displayed on the penalty clock accordingly. If there is no differential in time penalties, all players will serve their alloted penalty time, but will not be released until the first stoppage of play following the expiration of their respective penalties. This rule also provides guidance on serving of penalties that carry over into overtime. If I'm right, this is how 4-on-4 and 5-on-3 get decided.
My favorite highlight: This is even better. It's the only part of this rule I actually understand. 19.5, Applying the Coincidental Penalty Rule. When multiple penalties are assessed to both teams at the same stoppage of play, the following rules are to be utilized by the Referees to determine the on-ice strength for both teams:
(i): cancel as many major and or match penalties as possible
(ii): cancel as many minor, bench minor, and or double-minor penalties as possible
I love it. When in doubt, cancel everything and start over. Excellent plan.
The final scores: Tampa Bay vs. Toronto, Pittsburgh vs. Montreal... oh, never mind. Just check out nhl.com. Pick the team of your choice.
The morals of the story:
The game: I think I'm beginning to understand the basic concept behind the serving of penalties. If both teams get equally pissed off and commit a penalty, depending on the severity of it, they both get out of jail free. If you think about it, they could totally rig a game by agreeing up front to commit a penalty to match the other team's offense, thereby getting everybody back on the ice faster. But then again, that would level the playing field, and we wouldn't want a fair hockey game, now would we?
Life: This is the hockey equivalent of the government bailout for the banking and financial industry. They were all in the box serving multiple, simultaneous penalties for lying, cheating, stealing and writing bad loans to us and Congress came along and cancelled all of them out. On our tax-paying dime - we're basically paying them back for stealing from us. And all the banks had to do is serve the time differential on the simultaneous penalties. Oh non! Ce n'es pas juste!
Next up on 11/25: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 20, Major Penalties. It's all reruns on the NHL Network, but the lesson will be new.
Why I chose to sit here and watch hockey instead of hang out in an airport waiting for an airline to strand me on the runway: On deck tonight are Tampa Bay Lightning, Anaheim, Pittsburgh, Montreal and the New York Rangers, among others. It's the grown up, virtual equivalent of a petting zoo, except I can't touch or feed the animals.
My peeve: I can't touch or feed the animals.
My favorite plays: Tampa Bay scoring twice in 30 seconds in the first period. Sergei Gonchar's third goal against Montreal in the second period.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 19, Coincidental Penalties.
Numbe of sections in the rule: 5, divided into sections for minor, major and match penalties, and overtime.
Definition: No, this is not the penalties that just happen by accident in the course of normal play. Not that I thought that...but if I did, now I know. This rule does the math for referees when more than one penalty (match, minor, major) happens to both teams at the same time, including substitutions for players who must leave the game (for major or match penalties). It's like a hockey version of musical chairs. Check this out: when multiple penalties are assessed to both teams, equal numbers of minor and major penalties shall be eliminated using the coincident penalty rule and any differential in time penalties shall be served in the normal manner and displayed on the penalty clock accordingly. If there is no differential in time penalties, all players will serve their alloted penalty time, but will not be released until the first stoppage of play following the expiration of their respective penalties. This rule also provides guidance on serving of penalties that carry over into overtime. If I'm right, this is how 4-on-4 and 5-on-3 get decided.
My favorite highlight: This is even better. It's the only part of this rule I actually understand. 19.5, Applying the Coincidental Penalty Rule. When multiple penalties are assessed to both teams at the same stoppage of play, the following rules are to be utilized by the Referees to determine the on-ice strength for both teams:
(i): cancel as many major and or match penalties as possible
(ii): cancel as many minor, bench minor, and or double-minor penalties as possible
I love it. When in doubt, cancel everything and start over. Excellent plan.
The final scores: Tampa Bay vs. Toronto, Pittsburgh vs. Montreal... oh, never mind. Just check out nhl.com. Pick the team of your choice.
The morals of the story:
The game: I think I'm beginning to understand the basic concept behind the serving of penalties. If both teams get equally pissed off and commit a penalty, depending on the severity of it, they both get out of jail free. If you think about it, they could totally rig a game by agreeing up front to commit a penalty to match the other team's offense, thereby getting everybody back on the ice faster. But then again, that would level the playing field, and we wouldn't want a fair hockey game, now would we?
Life: This is the hockey equivalent of the government bailout for the banking and financial industry. They were all in the box serving multiple, simultaneous penalties for lying, cheating, stealing and writing bad loans to us and Congress came along and cancelled all of them out. On our tax-paying dime - we're basically paying them back for stealing from us. And all the banks had to do is serve the time differential on the simultaneous penalties. Oh non! Ce n'es pas juste!
Next up on 11/25: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 20, Major Penalties. It's all reruns on the NHL Network, but the lesson will be new.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Day 18, Rule 18
The games: Pittsburgh vs. Florida, Anaheim vs. Calgary. Oh wait, Jonas Hiller isn't starting in goal... never mind. Philadelphia vs. Colorado is looking like an ample substitute. Somebody must have forgotten their pre-game snack, because they're eating each other alive.
Why I chose them: It's Monday, and therefore it is imperative that I watch multiple games in which large men who grew up outside the United States sweat, spit, swear and spend a minimum of 20 minutes on the penalty bench, preferably for drawing blood if at all possible.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 18, Double Minor Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 3.
Definition: It's elementary, Dear Watson. A double minor is 4 minutes (bench minor penalty x 2). This goes back to the minor penalty rule - if you're the offending team, the only way to kill off the extra two minutes on the penalty bench is for your opponent to score a goal. Infractions that can result in a double minor penalty are: butt-ending (Rule 58), head-butting (Rule 48), high sticking (Rule 60) and spearing (Rule 62). Butt-ending sounds like something late-night infomericals use to promote the latest exercise gadget by convincing you you'll burn off all your cellulite in five days or less. But in hockey it's actually what happens when a player tries to use the shaft part of the stick above his upper hand to check an opposing player or jab an opposing player with this part of the stick.
My favorite highlight: Now I know why I've been confused all this time about double minors. 18.1, Double Minor Penalty. When a double minor has been signaled by the Referee, and the non-offending team scores during the delay, one of the minor penalties shall be washed out and the penalized player will serve the remaining two minutes of the double-minor penalty. The penalty will be announced as a double-minor penalty but only two minutes would be shown on the penalty time clock.
The final scores: Pittsburgh 3, Florida 2. Colorado 5, Philadelphia 4.
Number of double minors imposed: Pittsburgh vs. Florida: 1. Philadelphia vs. Colorado: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: This is about as fair as it gets in hockey. If you're doing time on the penalty bench, the trade off for shearing time off your offense is that the other team scores a goal. Even if you stayed on the bench for the full 4 minutes, it still ups the chance the other team will score while you sit there. Either way, you're doing time and they're putting it in the net. Fair? No. But what would you rather do, sit there for the full four minutes while the opposing team scored more goals while you're short handed for a longer period of time? Blessings are few in hockey - count them when you can.
Life: The sad part is that this rule is still way more fair than life. If we commit double minors for which we have to serve extra penalty minutes while Mr. Ferrari/platinum card/yes that's my blonde girlfriend who's young enough to be my daughter but I can still attract 'em/I didn't lose all my money when the market crashed goes breezing by in his Porsche, it doesn't wash out life's penalty minutes. We still have to serve them right to the end.
Have you ever watched a player come off the penalty bench for a full double minor? It's like turning hungry dogs loose in a Sizzler. Get out of the way and lock up the children. That's how we should be in life. The minute the penalty clock winds down, jump off the bench and run like hell into the rest of your life. Waiting out a streak of bad luck is like a hockey game - life doesn't go anywhere, you just have to sit it out every once in a while.
Next up on 11/25: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 19, Coincidental Penalties.
Why I chose them: It's Monday, and therefore it is imperative that I watch multiple games in which large men who grew up outside the United States sweat, spit, swear and spend a minimum of 20 minutes on the penalty bench, preferably for drawing blood if at all possible.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 18, Double Minor Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 3.
Definition: It's elementary, Dear Watson. A double minor is 4 minutes (bench minor penalty x 2). This goes back to the minor penalty rule - if you're the offending team, the only way to kill off the extra two minutes on the penalty bench is for your opponent to score a goal. Infractions that can result in a double minor penalty are: butt-ending (Rule 58), head-butting (Rule 48), high sticking (Rule 60) and spearing (Rule 62). Butt-ending sounds like something late-night infomericals use to promote the latest exercise gadget by convincing you you'll burn off all your cellulite in five days or less. But in hockey it's actually what happens when a player tries to use the shaft part of the stick above his upper hand to check an opposing player or jab an opposing player with this part of the stick.
My favorite highlight: Now I know why I've been confused all this time about double minors. 18.1, Double Minor Penalty. When a double minor has been signaled by the Referee, and the non-offending team scores during the delay, one of the minor penalties shall be washed out and the penalized player will serve the remaining two minutes of the double-minor penalty. The penalty will be announced as a double-minor penalty but only two minutes would be shown on the penalty time clock.
The final scores: Pittsburgh 3, Florida 2. Colorado 5, Philadelphia 4.
Number of double minors imposed: Pittsburgh vs. Florida: 1. Philadelphia vs. Colorado: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: This is about as fair as it gets in hockey. If you're doing time on the penalty bench, the trade off for shearing time off your offense is that the other team scores a goal. Even if you stayed on the bench for the full 4 minutes, it still ups the chance the other team will score while you sit there. Either way, you're doing time and they're putting it in the net. Fair? No. But what would you rather do, sit there for the full four minutes while the opposing team scored more goals while you're short handed for a longer period of time? Blessings are few in hockey - count them when you can.
Life: The sad part is that this rule is still way more fair than life. If we commit double minors for which we have to serve extra penalty minutes while Mr. Ferrari/platinum card/yes that's my blonde girlfriend who's young enough to be my daughter but I can still attract 'em/I didn't lose all my money when the market crashed goes breezing by in his Porsche, it doesn't wash out life's penalty minutes. We still have to serve them right to the end.
Have you ever watched a player come off the penalty bench for a full double minor? It's like turning hungry dogs loose in a Sizzler. Get out of the way and lock up the children. That's how we should be in life. The minute the penalty clock winds down, jump off the bench and run like hell into the rest of your life. Waiting out a streak of bad luck is like a hockey game - life doesn't go anywhere, you just have to sit it out every once in a while.
Next up on 11/25: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 19, Coincidental Penalties.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Day 17, Rule 17
The game: Vancouver. vs. Chicago.
Why I chose it: Because Center Ice didn't broadcast the Tampa Bay vs. Atlanta game.
My peeve: Center Ice didn't broadcast the Tampa Bay vs. Atlanta game. Just because it's on at 2 pm Pacific on a Sunday before Thanksgiving, doesn't mean loyal fans weren't interested. Bah humbug to TV stations who didn't want to broadcast this one.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 17, Bench Minor Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 3.
Definition: A bench minor penalty involves the removal from the ice of one player of the team against which the penalty is assessed for 2 minutes. Refer to reference tables for a list of infractions that can result in a bench minor penalty. Oh. Duh. That's it? Yep. This entire rule is shorter than the first section of the last one.
My favorite highlight: 17.1, Bench Minor Penalty. Any player except a goalkeeper of the team may be designated to serve the penalty by the Manager or Coach through the playing Captain and such player shall take his place on the penalty bench promptly and serve the penalty as if it was a minor penalty imposed upon him.
The final score: Chicago 1, Vancouver 0.
Bench minor penalties assessed: 9.
Morals of the story:
The game: This is like the rule of life where bad things happen to good people. If one of your teammates gets injured or ejected or otherwise can't serve said penalty, someone else who wasn't doing anything at all has to serve it. Selfless though it may be, fun it probably isn't. Neither player is digging life, but at least the guy serving it gets the respect for doing the deed.
Life: How awesome would it be if someone else could serve our bench minor penalties for us in life? Any person of my choosing can be designated to serve the penalty because I didn't want to deal with the consequences of my actions. Such player will take their place in my life promptly, so I can move to a new city and start over with a clean slate.
Next up on 11/23: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 18, Double-Minor Penalties.
Why I chose it: Because Center Ice didn't broadcast the Tampa Bay vs. Atlanta game.
My peeve: Center Ice didn't broadcast the Tampa Bay vs. Atlanta game. Just because it's on at 2 pm Pacific on a Sunday before Thanksgiving, doesn't mean loyal fans weren't interested. Bah humbug to TV stations who didn't want to broadcast this one.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 17, Bench Minor Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 3.
Definition: A bench minor penalty involves the removal from the ice of one player of the team against which the penalty is assessed for 2 minutes. Refer to reference tables for a list of infractions that can result in a bench minor penalty. Oh. Duh. That's it? Yep. This entire rule is shorter than the first section of the last one.
My favorite highlight: 17.1, Bench Minor Penalty. Any player except a goalkeeper of the team may be designated to serve the penalty by the Manager or Coach through the playing Captain and such player shall take his place on the penalty bench promptly and serve the penalty as if it was a minor penalty imposed upon him.
The final score: Chicago 1, Vancouver 0.
Bench minor penalties assessed: 9.
Morals of the story:
The game: This is like the rule of life where bad things happen to good people. If one of your teammates gets injured or ejected or otherwise can't serve said penalty, someone else who wasn't doing anything at all has to serve it. Selfless though it may be, fun it probably isn't. Neither player is digging life, but at least the guy serving it gets the respect for doing the deed.
Life: How awesome would it be if someone else could serve our bench minor penalties for us in life? Any person of my choosing can be designated to serve the penalty because I didn't want to deal with the consequences of my actions. Such player will take their place in my life promptly, so I can move to a new city and start over with a clean slate.
Next up on 11/23: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 18, Double-Minor Penalties.
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