All Parents Shall Automatically Qualify for a Job as a Penalty Bench Attendant.

The distraction: Off to the Portland Winterhawks' press conference we go to meet the team's 2010 NHL Draftees, coach Mike Johnston and mingle with fans. On tap: where Nino came up with "I just want to be drafted higher than 14," what Nino and Luke Walker think of the talk that they will go into the NHL early this season and a chat with defenseman Taylor Aronson. Check out www.oregonlive.com/hawks on Wednesday morning for the results.

And at last, let there be light: This weekend as part of training camp, the Portland Winterhawks will be participating in the Neely Cup. Yes, my friends, for four days straight there will be some form of hockey played in Portland by future NHL stars. And it's free. Hallelujah, praise whatever and let the games begin.

But first, the rule: Annex 5, Duties of the Officials. Rule A4.25, Announcer's Duties. Rule A4.26, Penalty Bench Attendant's Duties.

A4.25: The announcer shall announce by means of a public address system the: awarding of goals and assists, penalties, end of penalties, when one minute remains in the first and second periods, when two minutes remain in the third period.

A4.26: The Penalty Bench Attendant is responsible for
1) Providing a penalized player, upon request, with the correct information as to the unexpired time of the penalty.
2) Allowing the penalized player to return to the ice at the appropriate time upon the completion of the penalty.
3) Notifying the Scorekeeper if a player leaves the penalty bench before the end of the penalty.

Morals of the story:

The game: Why only minute in the first and second, and two in the third? A last ditch effort to say, hey, if you didn't get it together by now, these two minutes are your last chance? Discuss. Also, notify the Scorekeeper? What's he going to do about it, other than record it on the official score sheet that a penalty wasn't served in its entirety? That's like the police in England, who back in the day didn't carry weapons and Robin Williams made fun of it, saying "what are they going to do...stop! Or I'll say stop again!

Life: If you are a parent, you qualify for the job of Penalty Bench Attendant. If your little whippersnapper asks if they can come out of their time out, you simply tell them no, 5 more minutes, junior. And when they do, it's at your mercy that they can return to their regularly scheduled misbehaving and ignoring everything you tell them. And finally, you can also notify the other "Scorekeeper" if one of the little buggers tries to escape the time out, so he or she can corral them and return them to their little corner. If you are a parent and looking to make a career change, then this is the job for you.

Next up on 8/25: Annex 5, Illustration of Goal Frame. And Referee's Signals. And with that boys and girls, we will be officially done with the IIHF Rulebook.