Friday, December 4, 2009

Day 27, Rule 27

The game: Tampa Bay vs. New Jersey.

Why I chose it: It's Friday, it's French-Canadian captain facing off against French-Canadian goalie. I need to do little else but watch, consume little orange-chocolate snacks and refill my wine glass.

Response to recent comments: I don't watch the scoreboard during Tampa games, silly. It distracts from my ability to reluquer the honkin' tall French captain.

My favorite new hockey expression: One of the broadcasters noting that a player "dropped the mitts" for a fight.

The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 27, Delayed Penalty.

Number of sections in the rule: 3.

Definition: Oh, so this isn't what happens when a penalty is called after it happens? Yes, that's what I thought. Wait until you find out what I thought icing was. Here's how it really works: 27.1, Delayed Penalty. If a third player of any team shall be penalized while two players of the same team are serving penalties, the penalty time of the third player shall not commence until the penalty time of one of the two players already penalized has elapsed. Nevertheless, the third penalized player must at once proceed to the penalty bench. He may be substituted for on the ice so as to keep the on-ice strength at no less than three skaters for his team.

My favorite highlight: 27.2, Penalty Expiration. When any team shall have three players penalized at the same time and because of the delayed penalty rule, a substitute for the third offender is on the ice, none of the three penalized players on the penalty bench may return to the ice until play has stopped. When play has been stopped, the player whose full penalty has expired may return to the ice.

The final score: Tampa Bay 1, New Jersey 0 (at 17:00 in the second period).

Number of delayed penalties: Two that I know of - missed part of the replay due to sleeping in and Center Ice not broadcasting replays later in the day for the benefit of late risers.

The morals of the story:

The game: Hey look, an example of fairness in hockey...unless you're the third penalty dude. Then it sucks to be you. If you're the team's designated ding-dong for today and you pull the third penalty, you bookend it with extra bench time. I get it. It's so you can relearn how to count, thus ensuring that you won't do it again.

Life: I would love to apply this rule to one of my ex-boyfriends in New York, who turned out to have been dating his ex-girlfriend in the last weeks of our relationship, a fact about which I was informed in a breakup email. In my rule, he would get assigned to the penalty bench while I tell her the truth and she packs up to leave him. If the penalty expires and he's still on the penalty bench and she still hasn't split, he has to sit there until she does. If she's one of those "stand by her man" even though he cheated on me and will do it again idiots, then I hope he likes the view from the box.

Next up on 12/5: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 28, Goalkeeper's Penalties.

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