Sunday, December 6, 2009

Day 29, Rule 29

The game: Ottawa vs. Anaheim and Detroit vs. New York Rangers.

Why I chose it: Alas, my favorite underappreciated Swiss goalie isn't starting in net for Anaheim. Not to worry - my personal #2 backup Henrik Lundqvist is starting for New York. Game on.

The Rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 29, Supplementary Discipline.

Numer of sections in the rule: 2.

Definition: This rule gives the Commissioner the right to investigate and impose additional discipline (fines, suspensions) on top of automatic fines and suspensions and applies not only to players, but also to goalkeepers, managers, trainers, coaches, non-playing club personnel or club executives. It applies to pre-season, exhibition, league or playoff games and includes offenses committed during or in the aftermath of a game. The catch is that the discipline has to be undertaken within 24 hours of the game in which the offense occurred.

My favorite highlight: 29.2, Pre-Season and Exhibition Games. Whenever suspensions are imposed as a result of infractions occurring during pre-season and exhibition games, the Comissioner shall exercise his discretion in scheduling the suspensions to ensure that no team shall be short more players in any regular League game than it would have been had the infractions occurred in regular League games.

The current score: Detroit vs. Rangers - tied at 1 at end of second period. Ottawa vs. Anaheim tied at 2 at end of first period.

Morals of the story:

The game: Ok, let me get this straight. This rule at first appears to be the "just in case you thought you were getting away with something, think again" rule. But then it contradicts itself by not punishing the team with a man disadvantage once the regular season starts. How like life hockey is. We have all these rules and laws to keep us in line, but all of them have a loophole that can be exploited. In this case, the loophole is make sure you commit your offenses in pre-season, so the team doesn't have to be a man (or two) down in regular season.

Life: We need supplementary discipline for a number of egregious offenses that are committed in life, such as:

--Offense: Bailout plan paying for golden parachutes and CEO bonuses for Wall Street Executives. Supplementary Discipline: Since the taxpayers ended up paying for these, an independent representative of the people should have the right to investigate and add further punishment, like, say, automatic sale of their trophy houses (all of them), and forced house arrest in a trailer park with minimum wage (after taxes) and a bus pass, thereby forcing said CEOs to ride among the people whose taxes saved them from the unemployment line.

--Offense: Parents who let their children run around a 4-star restaurant with their very loud toys, stopping here and there to show total strangers the booger on their designer label sweater, instead of making them sit up straight in their chair, napkin folded, talking in "indoor voices." Supplementary Discipline: Forced removal from their reserved window-view table to the kitchen, where the kids can run around all they want and pick up little things off the floor and go "what's this?" and then eat it anyway before you can stop them, while you wait to be served a plate full of whatever scraps the polite, well-behaved customers didn't want.

--Offense: Addendum to a previous entry. Anyone who talks on a cell phone in inappropriate locations, including but not limited to libraries, quiet romantic restaurants, trains, planes and automobiles and bank lines. Supplementary Discipline: Permanent house arrest in a single room apartment with a rotary phone (no answering machine), a manual typewriter with the one key that doesn't type and a black and white TV with three channels. Your name will be placed on a technology "most wanted" list so if you even THINK about buying an iPhone, it will result in your immediate arrest, and will be punishable by an automatic fine of more money than you make in a year and a minimum of one year in prison.

Next up on 12/7: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 30, Signals.

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