Saturday, February 27, 2010

Put the Infraction-Related Uniform Down and Walk Away

The games: Slovakia vs. Finland and Portland Winterhawks vs. Seattle Thunderbirds.

Major peeve alert: I have to interrupt my viewing of the US-Canada gold medal game tomorrow to take my mom to the train station. Alert to the authorities: if you catch a British Racing Green Mini Cooper doing 90 down Cornell tomorrow, just make note of my license plate and mail me the ticket. I don't care if I mow down trees, bicyclists and small dogs that would fit in my handbag. I'm not stopping.

The rules: Section 2, Teams, Players and Equipment. Rule 210, Equipment. Rule 220 Player's Equipment (includes 221, Players' Skates and 222, Player's Stick).

This is so much easier than the NHL Rulebook: Rule 201, Equipment, has three sections, totalling three sentences. All equipment except helmets, gloves and goalkeeper's pads shall be worn under the uniform. Infractions related to the wearing of equipment shall be penalized under Rule 555 (Illegal or Dangerous Equipment, player is ruled off ice and team is given a warning).

Hey, at least it doesn't require an imaginary line: Rule 222, Player's Stick. The player's stick blade may be curved, and the curvature shall be restricted in such a way that the distance of a perpendicular line, measured from a straight line drawn from the heel to the end of the blade, shall not exceed 1.5 cm.

The scores: Finland 5, Slovakia 3. Portland 3, Seattle 2 (in a shootout, thank you Luke Walker for the game winner).

Morals of the story:

The game: This is a lot like the NHL Rulebook, in that it assumes you know how to get dressed and keep your crap together under the uniform and if you don't, off you go to fix it. It's like a grown up version of learning to tie your shoes. You don't get in trouble, your mom just makes you stop running around the playground so you can tie them.

Life: At 42, there are certain items of clothing that I myself have self-censored from my closet, my own warning for failure to wear the uniform correctly, if you will. These include: thong underwear (never wore them anyway, too T for Tacky), mini-anything (shorts, skirts, etc.), concert t-shirts, and stripper heels (never wore them, at 5'9" my center of gravity is already wobbly, five-inch heels are trouble waiting to happen). On the professional front, I also have some "I won't even do that no matter how old I get" attire choices: a super-short haircut that might look professional but which has the tendency to prompt male colleagues to make politically incorrect remarks about your sexuality around the water cooler, worn with orthopedically correct heels that are practical but screamin' ugly and a boxy suit that hides any shred of my figure. Oh, and gray hair. I'm trying it now while I grow it out and let me just say, it might possibly be the worst hair choice since the senior year perm debacle. Come summer, it's outta' here.

Next up on 2/28: Section 2, Teams, Players and Equipment. Rule 223, Player's Helmet. Rule 224, Player's Face Mask and Visor.

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