Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Don We Now Our Festive Video Goal Judging Apparel

The game: Vancouver vs. New York Islanders. Phoenix vs. Tampa Bay.

Why I chose it: Because there are some very strange people in green bodysuits banging the glass. Because I've never seen John Tavares in action. #1 draft pick and the Green Hornets in the audience. Required viewing, if you ask me. As for the other, see previous entry. Same reason, just substitute Phoenix on the comeback for Pittsburgh.

The rule: I was going to cover further duties of the linesmen and refs, but the IIHF Rulebook is broken up in weird ways, and I came across this one instead:

Rule 321, Goal Judges. 1. The goal judges shall wear officials' sweaters. In the visual aid photo labeled "referee discussing with video goal judge" the judges are wearing argyle sweaters, windbreakers and ID cards on lanyards. 2. If, after the start of the game, it becomes apparent that a Goal Judge is guilty of giving unjust decisions, the Referee shall appoint another Goal Judge.

But that doesn't mean you can't rock an argyle sweater: Just be careful about how old you are, what color it is and how you accessorize. For example, Portland Winterhawks Ryan Johansen and Gasper Kopitar are quite capable of totally rocking argyle sweaters because they are very tall junior hockey players with lots of potential and famous relatives.

Oohh did I say that out loud?: Now, if for example, I wanted to tell Ryan and Gasper that "it's bad enough that golf is your primary hobby ... you really should dispense with the preppy sweater and wear rock concert t-shirts and piercings like every other young person your age"...I wouldn't. Because they are not your average teens and they are expected to be way more grown up than I was at that age, so they can wear ugly sweaters and participate in grown up sports if they want to. Golf, after all, is just a sanctioned excuse to wear ugly clothing in public anyway. Plus, as we all know, my idea of fashion at 17 involved white pantyhose and a hairdo that made me look like an overpoofed poodle, so I am really in no position to judge.

The final score: New York Islanders are up by one at the end of the second, after Vancouver just cut the lead to 3-2. Oh crap, the Islanders just scored again! Scratch that: 4-2 in the second.

The game: Ok, this is hockey, so I want to know how it becomes apparent that an unjust decision has been made. Emphasis on "apparent." Because this is hockey, after all, so as long as it's invisible and not readily obvious, it's ok. Like cheating on taxes or fudging your health history a little to get health insurance. Which all works fine until you're caught. Look at this way...even Tiger Woods got busted eventually. I hope he enjoyed the ride, 'cause that is OVER. Speaking of unjust decisions, what about unjust fashion choices? If I had to wear the same ugly sweater to work everyday, I'd make a lot of bad judgment calls just to get back at the color blind twits/executives who made me wear it in the first place.

Life: I want this rule for people who impede my success at work, loud tenants in my apartment building, bad drivers, people who talk loudly on cell phones in inappropriate locations and public nose pickers who think the rest of us collect boogers too and that we won't mind while they violate culturally accepted social norms at an 8 am all-team meeting. If, after the start of my average weekday, it becomes apparent that other people are impeding my career goals, cutting me off in traffic, grossing me out and generally annoying me, I shall appoint other, more dignified, non-booger loving and polite people in their places.

Next up on 3/18: Recovering from St. Patrick's Day and Section 3, Officials and their Duties. Back to additional duties of Referees and Linesmen.

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