Saturday, January 8, 2011

Outrageous NHL superstar salaries shall be greater than the Team Salary Range

The game: Portland Winterhawks vs. Seattle Thunderbirds (WHL).

Why you should come out and watch it if you live in Portland: Because our full roster is back for the first time in nearly a month. Because it's the chance to see our newest acquisition William Wrenn make his debut. Because we lost on New Year's Eve to Seattle, and there's nothing like a little revenge on a Saturday night.

We interrupt your regular programming on the NBC network: Sidney Crosby is out for a week with a mild concussion. What's a girl to do? I guess I'll just spend more time Googling Guy Boucher.

Rebuilding, what rebuilding? There's no rebuilding going on here: Devils Captain and Olympic Gold Medalist Jamie Langenbrunner was dealt back to his orginial team, the Dallas Stars. Lou Lamoriello claims it's not rebuilding, but did say "with the status of our payroll, we were not going to re-sign Jamie next year." Translation for the hockey to English dictionary: We blew our salary cap wad on one player who hasn't returned on his investment and who doesn't need to since you guaranteed him a multi-million dollar paycheck for an eternity, so we have to purge any players who are actually worth more but who we can't pay because we don't have money left to go around.

Now might be a good time to focus on the salary cap article in the Collective Bargaining Agreement:

Article 50, Team Payroll Range System:

Uh-oh. There's math involved: But I think I get this part: For each League Year there shall be a "Lower Limit" and an "Upper Limit" at or between which each Club must have an Averaged Club Salary. The range between the Lower Limit and the Upper Limit shall be known as the Team Payroll Range.

But this is where I get a little fuzzy: Preliminary HRR for the prior League Year mulitplied by the Applicable Percentage minus Preliminary Benefits, divided by the number of Clubs then playing in the NHL shall equal the midpoint of the Payroll Range, which shall be adjusted upward by a factor of five percent in each League Year (yielding the Adjusted Midpoint) until League-wide Actual HRR equals or exceeds $2.1 billion, at which point the five percent growth factor shall unless or until either party to this Agreement proposes a different growth factor based on actual revenue experience and/or projections, in which case the parties shall discuss and agree upon a new factor.

Morals of the story:

The game: Aha. Now I see how New Jersey got away with the Kovalchuk deal.

Life: There should totally be a rule like this for executive salaries in Corporate America: the exorbitant, undeserving salary of CEOs and VPs who delegated their way to the top without actually working shall be determined by multiplying the number of individuals who actually respect said leader by his or her salary and bonuses, then divide by the number of employees who hate him or her, minus the hours said individual spends building paper clip forts and padding his or her expense report instead of working and leading to arrive at the salary midpoint range.

Next up: The results of the Portland-Seattle match up and Article 16, League Schedule: Playing Rosters: Reserve Lists: Practice Sessions.


  1. Many factors are involved in calculating payroll for employees such as wages, different types of tax and insurance deductions. It can become tedious to organize and perform calculations on this data.

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