Thursday, January 27, 2011

Signs you need a hockey intervention

1) Planning your Friday night consists of figuring out how you're going to simultaneously watch and actually pay attention to the All Star Game Fantasy Draft and the Portland Winterhawks on FSN while listening to Todd Vrooman and Andy Kemper on the local radio station. And figuring out which pajamas to wear while doing so.

2) You are in a French restaurant eating lunch and watching the Turner Classic Movie Channel they've got playing in the background and you realize that Hey! That actor looks exactly like Mike Milbury!

3) You spend precious hours on a Wednesday night Googling WHL Referee Matt Kirk to see if any new articles have popped up about him. Because major junior league referees are so popular, you want to make sure you didn't miss anything that might have run in the past 24 hours.

4) You turn on the Center Ice channels on your cable system and get no games on any channel at all. In a panic you call Comcast to inform them that hey, I just paid off this package deal this month and I thought I still got another three months worth of hockey on these channels, how come you switched them off? And declare that you, the consumer in this tough economy, are not standing for any monkey business from your cable company, who's already ripping you off as it is. Only to be told that "ma'am we're looking at our programming here and it says there's a break for the All Star Game until January 31st."

5) You wonder why even the pants that had room to grow in them don't fit you, not realizing that it has been caused by a regular diet of barbecue nachos, beer and salted pretzels.

6) You spend your lunch hour filling out a customer feedback form on to inquire as to whether it's just an error on or it's true that the Pittsburgh Penguins don't make grown up pajamas or matching sheets for large sized beds.

Not that any of these things actually happened to me... but ya' know, if they did... I'm here to help loyal readers learn from the wisdom of my experience.

As for what to do in the event of said realizations: You could try turning off the NHL Network, canceling the Center Ice package and selling all your remaining Winterhawks season tickets on eBay, but that would lead to permanent brain damage and possible death, so I recommend a 24-hour cleansing ritual (after the All Star Game is complete of course) in which you leave the television off, put the season tickets in a drawer, drink nothing but juice and water, and eat a small handful of peanut butter filled pretzels every two hours. By the next day, you should be able to live like normal people and only watch one hockey game when you get home at night instead of six simultaneously while surfing hockey blogs like this one for things you didn't already know about hockey. Of course, this didn't actually work for me, but I like to keep an open mind and hope that others will be more successful in their attempts.

Oh, and the Portland Winterhawks gave me my birthday present, a 9 - 2 routing of the Chilliwack Bruins, just like I asked for:


  1. Rest up Samantha. What do you do between mid June until September??

  2. I hide under a large piece of furniture with a Costco sized supply of wine, peanut butter cookies and a DVD of the Pittsburgh Penguins' Stanley Cup season, which I watch in a vain attempt to simulate the hockey season. I do come out periodically to watch the off season trading news, but that's pretty much it.