The games: Tri-City Americans vs. Calgary Hitmen (WHL Playoffs). Pittsburgh vs. Montreal. San Jose vs. Detroit.
Final scores: Calgary 4, Tri-Cities. Calgary Wins the WHL championship and moves on to the Memorial Cup next weekend. The Memorial Cup will be broadcast on the NHL Network, if you want to be a full scale playoff nerd. Pittsburgh 2, Montreal 1. I knew I shouldn't have even thought shutout. Montreal scored in the waning seconds of the game, but Pittsburgh's back on top. Back to Montreal for Game 6 and bonne chance to the Pens.
And in other news: The IIHF World Championships are underway, and there are cutie pies and hometown heroes all over this thing. Portland's own Nino Niederreiter is part of the Swiss team that defeated Latvia, and Peter Regin is playing for the Danes. Well, ok, Nino's not really ours..but he sort of is, for now.
Speaking of cutie pies: Note to self: pay more attention to players when they are out of the helmet and the gear. Why didn't I notice until now that Valtteri Filpulla was totally hot? Oh right...because I am an avowed anti-Wings fan. Perhaps I will rethink my "out with Detroit, in with the new" strategy for playoff advancement.
Here's the thing about the Memorial Cup: I'm excited that the NHL Network has seen fit to broadcast it, but it's also a reminder that the Portland Winterhawks aren't part of it. On the other hand, if they were, Nino wouldn't be playing in the Worlds in Germany. In a little over a month, he'll be an NHL draft pick, and in just over four months, he'll be back here, playing on our ice. Ditto for the five other prospects who may very well return to Portland with the NHL in their future. For those about to rock, we salute you.
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 507, Match Penalty. Rule 508, Penalty Shot.
Rule 507, Match Penalty: For a Match Penalty, any player, including the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice and ordered to the dressing room for the balance of the game and substitution shall be permitted after five minutes.
Rule 508, Penalty Shot:Five conditions are required to award a Penalty Shot to a player being fouled from behind:
1. The infraction shall take place when the puck is outside of the player's defending zone (completely across the blue line).
2. The attacking player shall be in possession and have control of the puck.
3. The infraction shall have been committed from behind.
4. The attacking player in possession and control of the puck shall have been denied a reasonable scoring opportunity.
5. The player in possession and control of the puck shall have had no opposing players to pass to other than the goalkeeper.
And if you are the goalkeeper and you want to interfere with this, forget it:
If the goalkeeper leaves his crease before the player has touched the puck, or commits any foul, the Referee shall raise his arm but allow the shot to be completed. If the shot fails, he shall permit the Penalty Shot to be taken again. If the goalkeeper leaves the crease too early, the Referee shall:
1. Issue a Warning the first time and a new penalty shot.
2. Issue a misconduct penalty the second time and a new penalty shot.
3. Award a goal the third time.
Also....all penalties imposed to a goalkeeper, regardless of who serves the penalty, shall be charged in the records against the goalkeeper.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, basically, don't interfere with a perfectly good scoring opportunity, no matter how pissed off you are. Explain this to me...how exactly could you be in possession and not in control of the puck, and vice versa? And could we give goalkeepers a small break? Can they even come a smidge out of the goal crease without being penalized? And how does anyone keep track of these rules? No wonder a lot of the WHL referees are lawyers. Well, ok the only one I pay attention to is a lawyer, but still...it boggles the mind of hockey bears of very little brains.
Life: I never have understood why certain people seem to get to the top by interfering in other people's scoring opportunities. Stealing work from colleagues, dating your best friend's wealthy boyfriend behind her back, slippping onto a crowded train at the last minute and somehow getting the one seat available because the person in it got up right as you got on. Whatever the offense, there should be a matching penalty shot to go with it. For example, if you steal other people's work you should be given an assignment all on your own, and locked in a room until you can produce the report, slide presentation, whatever, on your own, without assistance or without asking someone else to do it and then passing it off as your own. For dating infractions, it's a little easier, because life usually takes care of it. Give it about 20 years, and said boyfriend will just go cheat with an 18 year old while the offending friend tries to hang on to what's gone with regular infusions of botox, collagen and valium.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 509, Penalty Shot Procedure. Rule 510, Supplementary Discipline.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Automatic Game Misconduct for NHL Teams Who Blow a Perfectly Good Chance at a Playoff Sweep
The games: Pittsburgh vs. Montreal and San Jose vs. Detroit.
Ok, so maybe I owe my friend Mike a beer: Both my teams (Pittsburgh and San Jose) went down. In San Jose's case, like a rock. And both on the verge of either a sweep or wrapping it on Saturday. But then again, if it was easy, what would be the point of watching?
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 504, Misconduct Penalty. Rule 505, Game Misconduct Penalty.
It's a long time to sit on the bench: 505.a. For his first Misconduct penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for ten minutes and immediate substitution shall be permitted. The player whose Misconduct penalty has expired shall stay on the penalty beach until the next stoppage of play.
At last, a rule where the goalkeepers get booted out: 505.b For his second Misconduct penalty in one game, any player, including the goalkeeper, shall automatically be ruled off the ice for the balance of the game (Game Misconduct penalty) and immediate substitution shall be allowed.
Since the NHL playoffs totally blow at this particular moment: How cool is this? If I'm reading the Swiss Ice Hockey web site correctly, Portland Winterhawk Nino Niederreiter made the Swiss World Championship team. The competition gets underway in Germany on May 7. Plus, Winterhawks coach Mike Johnston is on Switzerland's coaching staff. Bonne chance to Portland's hometown heroes. Look for coverage of their progress starting this weekend.
Plus, let's not forget: It's only Nino's rookie season and so far he's helped us get to the playoffs for the first time in four years, competed with Switzerland's World Junior Team, made two different all-star teams, played in the CHL prospects game, been invited to the NHL Scouting Combine later this spring, and is one of six Winterhawks expected to be taken in the draft.
Morals of the story:
The game: Really, if you wanted a player to get the message, why wait until the second penalty to throw him out for the balance of the game? It's like scolding children. You have to send the message the first time and keep sending it.
Life: I want these penalties for corporate meetings and endless conference calls. For going off topic and answering every little question one after the other instead of waiting for a Q&A at the end, conference call leader shall be ruled out of the meeting for five minutes, with subsitution allowed only by someone who has a proven track record of staying on topic and taking things offline if attendees detract from the matters at hand. For their second offense upon returning to the call, conference call leader will be permanently banned from doing anything more than pushing the buttons on the phone to dial in and taking minutes during the meeting.
Next up on 5/8: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 507, Match Penalty. Rule 508, Penalty Shot.
Ok, so maybe I owe my friend Mike a beer: Both my teams (Pittsburgh and San Jose) went down. In San Jose's case, like a rock. And both on the verge of either a sweep or wrapping it on Saturday. But then again, if it was easy, what would be the point of watching?
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 504, Misconduct Penalty. Rule 505, Game Misconduct Penalty.
It's a long time to sit on the bench: 505.a. For his first Misconduct penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for ten minutes and immediate substitution shall be permitted. The player whose Misconduct penalty has expired shall stay on the penalty beach until the next stoppage of play.
At last, a rule where the goalkeepers get booted out: 505.b For his second Misconduct penalty in one game, any player, including the goalkeeper, shall automatically be ruled off the ice for the balance of the game (Game Misconduct penalty) and immediate substitution shall be allowed.
Since the NHL playoffs totally blow at this particular moment: How cool is this? If I'm reading the Swiss Ice Hockey web site correctly, Portland Winterhawk Nino Niederreiter made the Swiss World Championship team. The competition gets underway in Germany on May 7. Plus, Winterhawks coach Mike Johnston is on Switzerland's coaching staff. Bonne chance to Portland's hometown heroes. Look for coverage of their progress starting this weekend.
Plus, let's not forget: It's only Nino's rookie season and so far he's helped us get to the playoffs for the first time in four years, competed with Switzerland's World Junior Team, made two different all-star teams, played in the CHL prospects game, been invited to the NHL Scouting Combine later this spring, and is one of six Winterhawks expected to be taken in the draft.
Morals of the story:
The game: Really, if you wanted a player to get the message, why wait until the second penalty to throw him out for the balance of the game? It's like scolding children. You have to send the message the first time and keep sending it.
Life: I want these penalties for corporate meetings and endless conference calls. For going off topic and answering every little question one after the other instead of waiting for a Q&A at the end, conference call leader shall be ruled out of the meeting for five minutes, with subsitution allowed only by someone who has a proven track record of staying on topic and taking things offline if attendees detract from the matters at hand. For their second offense upon returning to the call, conference call leader will be permanently banned from doing anything more than pushing the buttons on the phone to dial in and taking minutes during the meeting.
Next up on 5/8: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 507, Match Penalty. Rule 508, Penalty Shot.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Penalty For Life's Blunders... Five Minutes. No Substitution.
The game: Chicago vs. Vancouver.
Why I chose it: Can you say comeback? I wouldn't get too comfortable in Vancouver if I were you, Canucks fans.
Final score: Chicago 5, Vancouver 2. Chicago now leads the series 2-1.
Gotta love Wikipedia: I was looking up useless hockey trivia when I came across the delayed penalty rule. At last, I get it. A delayed penalty is when the team not in possession of the puck commits an offense. Play is not stopped until a goal is scored, the opposing team gets the puck or the team in possession of the puck commits a penalty. What it also means is that the team against whom the penalty was called can't score without stopping play, so the team in possesion of the puck can pull the goalie and substitute an extra player without the fear of being scored upon.
By the way: Wikipedia also defines a penalty as punishment for inappropriate behavior. Which is fine, if you work in an office all day. But let us hope that the NHL never sanctions a game in which there is a full 60 minutes of appropriate behavior. I mean really, why bother watching hockey?
But some things I will just never understand: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 501, Minor Penalty. Rule 502, Bench Minor Penalty. Rule 503, Major Penalty.
I'm still trying to figure out the difference between a Minor and a Bench Minor penalty. No, I'm not going back on Wikipedia, that's cheating. This is more fun.
Minor penalty: For a minor penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for two minutes and no substitution shall be allowed.
Bench minor penalty: For a bench minor penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper of the penalized team, designated by the Manager or Coach through the Captain, shall be ruled off the ice for two minutes and no subsitution shall be permitted.
So, no five for fighting, then?: Rule 503, Major Penalty. For a major penalty, any player, including the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for the balance of the game (Game Misconduct penalty) and substitution shall be permitted after five minutes.
Morals of the story:
The game: Screw it. I'm making up my own rule. Five minutes, no substitution for everything except injury-causing penalties like boarding, open ice hits and checking from behind. And for these, you will simply be removed from the game, emasculated by a Bridezilla so that you will realize you are in fact a pussy who needs to release pent up passive-agressive energy with a bullshit penalty and forced to rethink some of your macho bullshit during a mandatory one-game suspension.
Life: In this installment, I continue my recommendation for the life equivalent of minor penalties, as follows:
-- Offenses for which a minor penalty may be imposed:
1) Texting or calling other people from the cell phone in the bathroom to update them on information that is way past "TMI." If you feel the need to order spicy dishes in an exotic restaurant whose name you can't pronounce, and you pay for it later, it is not fodder for text, Twitters or Facebook pages.
2) People who waste their time hating Sidney Crosby or anyone else who they are in fact envious of, because said individual has the life and genius talent you always wanted but will never have. Oh right, like you don't want your own mansion by a lake, an Olympic medal and a Stanley Cup or two. Sure you don't. Get over it. Get a hobby. Better yet, make the most of your own talent...start a blog, write a book, join a master's swim team...whatever. Not everyone can be Sidney Crosby. But everyone can lift their own version of the Stanley Cup if they set their mind to it.
Next up on 5/6: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 504, Misconduct Penalty. Rule 505, Game Misconduct Penalty. I still won't understand them, but onward we go.
Why I chose it: Can you say comeback? I wouldn't get too comfortable in Vancouver if I were you, Canucks fans.
Final score: Chicago 5, Vancouver 2. Chicago now leads the series 2-1.
Gotta love Wikipedia: I was looking up useless hockey trivia when I came across the delayed penalty rule. At last, I get it. A delayed penalty is when the team not in possession of the puck commits an offense. Play is not stopped until a goal is scored, the opposing team gets the puck or the team in possession of the puck commits a penalty. What it also means is that the team against whom the penalty was called can't score without stopping play, so the team in possesion of the puck can pull the goalie and substitute an extra player without the fear of being scored upon.
By the way: Wikipedia also defines a penalty as punishment for inappropriate behavior. Which is fine, if you work in an office all day. But let us hope that the NHL never sanctions a game in which there is a full 60 minutes of appropriate behavior. I mean really, why bother watching hockey?
But some things I will just never understand: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 501, Minor Penalty. Rule 502, Bench Minor Penalty. Rule 503, Major Penalty.
I'm still trying to figure out the difference between a Minor and a Bench Minor penalty. No, I'm not going back on Wikipedia, that's cheating. This is more fun.
Minor penalty: For a minor penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for two minutes and no substitution shall be allowed.
Bench minor penalty: For a bench minor penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper of the penalized team, designated by the Manager or Coach through the Captain, shall be ruled off the ice for two minutes and no subsitution shall be permitted.
So, no five for fighting, then?: Rule 503, Major Penalty. For a major penalty, any player, including the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for the balance of the game (Game Misconduct penalty) and substitution shall be permitted after five minutes.
Morals of the story:
The game: Screw it. I'm making up my own rule. Five minutes, no substitution for everything except injury-causing penalties like boarding, open ice hits and checking from behind. And for these, you will simply be removed from the game, emasculated by a Bridezilla so that you will realize you are in fact a pussy who needs to release pent up passive-agressive energy with a bullshit penalty and forced to rethink some of your macho bullshit during a mandatory one-game suspension.
Life: In this installment, I continue my recommendation for the life equivalent of minor penalties, as follows:
-- Offenses for which a minor penalty may be imposed:
1) Texting or calling other people from the cell phone in the bathroom to update them on information that is way past "TMI." If you feel the need to order spicy dishes in an exotic restaurant whose name you can't pronounce, and you pay for it later, it is not fodder for text, Twitters or Facebook pages.
2) People who waste their time hating Sidney Crosby or anyone else who they are in fact envious of, because said individual has the life and genius talent you always wanted but will never have. Oh right, like you don't want your own mansion by a lake, an Olympic medal and a Stanley Cup or two. Sure you don't. Get over it. Get a hobby. Better yet, make the most of your own talent...start a blog, write a book, join a master's swim team...whatever. Not everyone can be Sidney Crosby. But everyone can lift their own version of the Stanley Cup if they set their mind to it.
Next up on 5/6: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 504, Misconduct Penalty. Rule 505, Game Misconduct Penalty. I still won't understand them, but onward we go.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
These Are a Few of My Favorite Penalties
The game: Pittsburgh vs. Montreal.
This is why I'm all in for the Penguins: Shut out for Marc-Andre Fleury, another game-winning goal for Pascal Dupuis. And on their personal hometown turf. Vous allez, garcons.
I may not win this one, but I'm still in: My friend Mike and I have laid down our bets for the semi-finals. We agree on all fronts except the San Jose vs. Detroit series. I'm in for the Sharks, and he's down for the Red Wings. The Red Wings have enough Stanley Cups, thank you. It's San Jose's turn.
Somebody whose name starts with an M owes me a beer: Rookie Logan Couture just tied it for San Jose up to 3-3 with 6:43 to go. Oh wait...the Sharks just won 4-3 OT. They now lead the series 3-0. Two words: Wings. Toast.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 500, Penalties, Definitions and Procedures.
Some things never change: Minor and bench minor penalites are two minutes, major is five, and misconduct is 10.
But some things are different: Game misconduct is 20 minutes, match penalty is 25 minutes. In the NHL Rulebook, for a match penalty the player is suspended for the balance of the game and substitution is allowed after five minutes. For game misconduct, it's still suspension for balance of the game, but substitution is allowed immediately.
Hey look, there's almost as much red tape and bullshit in this rule as there is in corporate America: 500.3. When the Minor or Major penalties of two players of the same team terminate at the same time, the Captain of that team shall designate to the Referee which player shall return to the ice first. The Referee shall then instruct the Scorekeeper accordingly.
Morals of the story:
The game: I see now why there are so many "failsafes" in these rules, like substitution and telling the Ref who gets to return to the ice first. Because if you didn't, players would just run around willy nilly ignoring the rules. Like bad drivers without a mark on their records. And, as I've said before, the rules don't tell you not to do something, they just define the punishment if you do defy the rules.
Life: Here are a few of my favorite life offenses, and their matching penalties:
-- Minor: Taking more than one minute to order breakfast in a grab-n-go establishment. My fellow Americans, I can prove that it does not take five minutes to order an extra hot, sugar free, fat free, no whip Vanilla latte and a multigrain scone. Witness our friends to the North at Tim Horton's, where I once stood behind someone who ordered a fat-free cappucino and a whole breakfast sandwich in less than a minute. Penalty for said offense shall be relegation to a small training camp in Northern Canada, where you will be reprogrammed in a special brainwashing program on how to order fast food so that your order is in fact, fast.
- Major: Complaining because Twitter melted down for 10 minutes yesterday while you were tweeting your friend about what you ate for lunch. Penalty is mandatory community service at an organization that serves the generation who remembers life when a Princess rotary phone was a big deal. If you don't know what a Princess phone is, this rule is for you.
-- Match: Wearing pajama bottoms as clothing in public (mostly reserved for teenagers, who seem to find this attractive). Not holding the door for honored citizens or children, unless of course they are the obvious spoiled brats whose parents haven't taught them about personal space and not crowding people or cutting them off, because said parents were committing the offenses listed below. Punishment assessed will fit the crime in the form of being forced to wear the top and bottom of your pajamas to your prom, so you will understand once and for all it's not fashionable to wear PJs in public. Ever. And, for the other, being locked in a small room, while little whippersnappers run around you playing "Ring Around the Rosie" for twelve straight hours.
-- Misconduct: Answering the call phone while on the toilet. Talking on the cell phone at all in a library. Talking on the cell, iPhone, texting, etc. while driving. Gone. Poof. In the wind. Automatic extradition to a deserted island with a manual typewriter, a rotary phone and a television with three network stations that stop broadcasting at midnight.
Next up on 5/5: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 501, Minor Penalty. Rule 502, Bench Minor Penalty, Rule 503, Major Penalty.
This is why I'm all in for the Penguins: Shut out for Marc-Andre Fleury, another game-winning goal for Pascal Dupuis. And on their personal hometown turf. Vous allez, garcons.
I may not win this one, but I'm still in: My friend Mike and I have laid down our bets for the semi-finals. We agree on all fronts except the San Jose vs. Detroit series. I'm in for the Sharks, and he's down for the Red Wings. The Red Wings have enough Stanley Cups, thank you. It's San Jose's turn.
Somebody whose name starts with an M owes me a beer: Rookie Logan Couture just tied it for San Jose up to 3-3 with 6:43 to go. Oh wait...the Sharks just won 4-3 OT. They now lead the series 3-0. Two words: Wings. Toast.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 500, Penalties, Definitions and Procedures.
Some things never change: Minor and bench minor penalites are two minutes, major is five, and misconduct is 10.
But some things are different: Game misconduct is 20 minutes, match penalty is 25 minutes. In the NHL Rulebook, for a match penalty the player is suspended for the balance of the game and substitution is allowed after five minutes. For game misconduct, it's still suspension for balance of the game, but substitution is allowed immediately.
Hey look, there's almost as much red tape and bullshit in this rule as there is in corporate America: 500.3. When the Minor or Major penalties of two players of the same team terminate at the same time, the Captain of that team shall designate to the Referee which player shall return to the ice first. The Referee shall then instruct the Scorekeeper accordingly.
Morals of the story:
The game: I see now why there are so many "failsafes" in these rules, like substitution and telling the Ref who gets to return to the ice first. Because if you didn't, players would just run around willy nilly ignoring the rules. Like bad drivers without a mark on their records. And, as I've said before, the rules don't tell you not to do something, they just define the punishment if you do defy the rules.
Life: Here are a few of my favorite life offenses, and their matching penalties:
-- Minor: Taking more than one minute to order breakfast in a grab-n-go establishment. My fellow Americans, I can prove that it does not take five minutes to order an extra hot, sugar free, fat free, no whip Vanilla latte and a multigrain scone. Witness our friends to the North at Tim Horton's, where I once stood behind someone who ordered a fat-free cappucino and a whole breakfast sandwich in less than a minute. Penalty for said offense shall be relegation to a small training camp in Northern Canada, where you will be reprogrammed in a special brainwashing program on how to order fast food so that your order is in fact, fast.
- Major: Complaining because Twitter melted down for 10 minutes yesterday while you were tweeting your friend about what you ate for lunch. Penalty is mandatory community service at an organization that serves the generation who remembers life when a Princess rotary phone was a big deal. If you don't know what a Princess phone is, this rule is for you.
-- Match: Wearing pajama bottoms as clothing in public (mostly reserved for teenagers, who seem to find this attractive). Not holding the door for honored citizens or children, unless of course they are the obvious spoiled brats whose parents haven't taught them about personal space and not crowding people or cutting them off, because said parents were committing the offenses listed below. Punishment assessed will fit the crime in the form of being forced to wear the top and bottom of your pajamas to your prom, so you will understand once and for all it's not fashionable to wear PJs in public. Ever. And, for the other, being locked in a small room, while little whippersnappers run around you playing "Ring Around the Rosie" for twelve straight hours.
-- Misconduct: Answering the call phone while on the toilet. Talking on the cell phone at all in a library. Talking on the cell, iPhone, texting, etc. while driving. Gone. Poof. In the wind. Automatic extradition to a deserted island with a manual typewriter, a rotary phone and a television with three network stations that stop broadcasting at midnight.
Next up on 5/5: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 501, Minor Penalty. Rule 502, Bench Minor Penalty, Rule 503, Major Penalty.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Vancouver Should Stop Interfering With Chicago Getting to the Stanley Cup Final
The game: Chicago vs. Vancouver.
Why I chose it: One word...revenge. Game on. This Philly vs. Boston game tied at 2-2 with 6 minutes to go in the third isn't bad either. Way to go Bruins with the third goal.
The weather must know hockey is still on: It's May and it's like freakin' winter outside. My geraniums are definitely done for the moment. Much like the Winterhawks, who like I said are still beautiful. And still worth the season tickets I just bought.
Speaking of junior hockey: Among the boys taken in last week's Bantam Draft, one is from Arizona. Amen. Of course, the majority are from Alberta, but still. Who cares? He's like a one-man Jamaican bobsledding team.
The rule: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 493, Interference by Spectators.
To refresh, hockey is not for pussies: Once again, unless somebody is bleeding out their eyeballs, there's no need to interrupt a perfectly good scoring opportunity. 493.b. In the event of a player being held or interfered with by a spectator, the Referee or the Linesman shall stop the play. If the team of the player interfered with is in possession of the puck, the play shall be allowed to be completed.
Morals of the story:
The game: Explain to me how a player is supposed to continue playing if he's being held by a spectator. Speaking of which, how exactly do spectators even get on the ice? And if the player defends himself, does he get a penalty for knocking the fan into the boards?
Life: We get spectators interfering with our lives all the time: busybody relatives who want to set you up with the cute guy in their office not that bad boy you're wasting time on; friends who give you bad advice about that outfit that really, you shouldn't wear in public; and micromanaging bosses. And like hockey, play carries on whether you are in posssession of the puck or not. For life, I think there should be more than a stoppage of play and a face-off. For offenses of the aforementioned nature, there will be a minimum of a minor penalty in the form of a "Life Ref" who will pull the offending individual aside, give the friendly reminder to bugger off, sit them down in a small box and take away their mobile devices so they can sit and think instead of calling other friends and relatives to validate their bad advice.
Next up on 5/4: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 500, Penalties: Definitions and Procedures.
Why I chose it: One word...revenge. Game on. This Philly vs. Boston game tied at 2-2 with 6 minutes to go in the third isn't bad either. Way to go Bruins with the third goal.
The weather must know hockey is still on: It's May and it's like freakin' winter outside. My geraniums are definitely done for the moment. Much like the Winterhawks, who like I said are still beautiful. And still worth the season tickets I just bought.
Speaking of junior hockey: Among the boys taken in last week's Bantam Draft, one is from Arizona. Amen. Of course, the majority are from Alberta, but still. Who cares? He's like a one-man Jamaican bobsledding team.
The rule: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 493, Interference by Spectators.
To refresh, hockey is not for pussies: Once again, unless somebody is bleeding out their eyeballs, there's no need to interrupt a perfectly good scoring opportunity. 493.b. In the event of a player being held or interfered with by a spectator, the Referee or the Linesman shall stop the play. If the team of the player interfered with is in possession of the puck, the play shall be allowed to be completed.
Morals of the story:
The game: Explain to me how a player is supposed to continue playing if he's being held by a spectator. Speaking of which, how exactly do spectators even get on the ice? And if the player defends himself, does he get a penalty for knocking the fan into the boards?
Life: We get spectators interfering with our lives all the time: busybody relatives who want to set you up with the cute guy in their office not that bad boy you're wasting time on; friends who give you bad advice about that outfit that really, you shouldn't wear in public; and micromanaging bosses. And like hockey, play carries on whether you are in posssession of the puck or not. For life, I think there should be more than a stoppage of play and a face-off. For offenses of the aforementioned nature, there will be a minimum of a minor penalty in the form of a "Life Ref" who will pull the offending individual aside, give the friendly reminder to bugger off, sit them down in a small box and take away their mobile devices so they can sit and think instead of calling other friends and relatives to validate their bad advice.
Next up on 5/4: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 500, Penalties: Definitions and Procedures.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thankfully, This Is Hockey, Not Baseball
The game: Pittsburgh vs. Montreal.
Why I chose it: Mais oui. Now, I love the Habs, but I'm still all in for Pittsburgh vs. Chicago in the final. Yes I know Vancouver ate Chicago for a snack last night. It's only Game 1, be patient.
The rule: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 491, Kicking the Puck. Rule 492, High Sticking the Puck.
Yes, you can apparently do this: Kicking the puck shall be permitted in all zones, but a goal may not be scored by the kick of an attacking player, unless deflected off the stick of an attacking player. So when it really matters, you can't kick the puck. But hey, if you want to move it down the ice a little so someone else can score legitimately, carry on.
I always wondered about this one: Now I know. 492.a. Stopping or batting the puck with the stick above the height of the shoulders is prohibited, and play shall be stopped, unless:
1. Puck is batted to an opponent in which case the play shall continue and the Referee shall give the "Wash Out" signal.
2. A player of the defending team bats the puck in his own goal, in which case the goal is allowed. So like life, you can't do this, but if you're stupid enough to do it into your own goal, the resulting goal is punishment in itself.
Hey look, at least this is simple: 492.d. No goal shall be scored when the stick of an attacking player above the height of the crossbar of the goal net contacts the puck.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, don't kick the puck, don't bat the puck, don't touch the puck, don't hold the puck. Might as well put the puck down and walk away. My friends and colleagues are what I like to politely call non-appreciators. Perhaps because they do not appreciate all the ways you can't score a goal, which makes it all the more beautiful when you do. Either that, or they just don't like it. Why not, I'll never know.
Life: I think I finally get this rule. High sticking a puck is an excellent and all too easy way to get around a goaltender in a vulnerable position. So, in hockey, if it's easy, it's banned. This is sort of the ultimate life rule. Nothing in life is easy anymore. That being said, why don't we get a high sticking rule? I'm thinking we need something like this:
1. Getting to the parking lot at just the right moment when someone is pulling out of a spot and trying to take it when in fact someone else has been waiting patiently for it. Said parking infraction will be punishable by having your car broken into or otherwise robbed by professional thieves who will steal something from your vehicle that can't be replaced: like the out of print CD from your favorite band that you left on the floor of the passenger side. Or the Stanley Cup playoff coffee cup from the early nineties that is no longer available, even on ebay.
2. If you're standing in line by yourself and someone tries to cut ahead of you by pretending that you are in fact not there, the clerk at the Starbucks or bank or whatever will promptly grab the offender you by the back of her designer cashmere sweater, walk her to the end of the line, stick a number on said sweater and make her wait there until she is called, which will take a minimum of 10 minutes. Security will be assigned to the exits to ensure that said offender must stand there and take the punishment instead of leaving in protest.
Next up on 5/3: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 493, Interference by Spectators.
Why I chose it: Mais oui. Now, I love the Habs, but I'm still all in for Pittsburgh vs. Chicago in the final. Yes I know Vancouver ate Chicago for a snack last night. It's only Game 1, be patient.
The rule: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 491, Kicking the Puck. Rule 492, High Sticking the Puck.
Yes, you can apparently do this: Kicking the puck shall be permitted in all zones, but a goal may not be scored by the kick of an attacking player, unless deflected off the stick of an attacking player. So when it really matters, you can't kick the puck. But hey, if you want to move it down the ice a little so someone else can score legitimately, carry on.
I always wondered about this one: Now I know. 492.a. Stopping or batting the puck with the stick above the height of the shoulders is prohibited, and play shall be stopped, unless:
1. Puck is batted to an opponent in which case the play shall continue and the Referee shall give the "Wash Out" signal.
2. A player of the defending team bats the puck in his own goal, in which case the goal is allowed. So like life, you can't do this, but if you're stupid enough to do it into your own goal, the resulting goal is punishment in itself.
Hey look, at least this is simple: 492.d. No goal shall be scored when the stick of an attacking player above the height of the crossbar of the goal net contacts the puck.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, don't kick the puck, don't bat the puck, don't touch the puck, don't hold the puck. Might as well put the puck down and walk away. My friends and colleagues are what I like to politely call non-appreciators. Perhaps because they do not appreciate all the ways you can't score a goal, which makes it all the more beautiful when you do. Either that, or they just don't like it. Why not, I'll never know.
Life: I think I finally get this rule. High sticking a puck is an excellent and all too easy way to get around a goaltender in a vulnerable position. So, in hockey, if it's easy, it's banned. This is sort of the ultimate life rule. Nothing in life is easy anymore. That being said, why don't we get a high sticking rule? I'm thinking we need something like this:
1. Getting to the parking lot at just the right moment when someone is pulling out of a spot and trying to take it when in fact someone else has been waiting patiently for it. Said parking infraction will be punishable by having your car broken into or otherwise robbed by professional thieves who will steal something from your vehicle that can't be replaced: like the out of print CD from your favorite band that you left on the floor of the passenger side. Or the Stanley Cup playoff coffee cup from the early nineties that is no longer available, even on ebay.
2. If you're standing in line by yourself and someone tries to cut ahead of you by pretending that you are in fact not there, the clerk at the Starbucks or bank or whatever will promptly grab the offender you by the back of her designer cashmere sweater, walk her to the end of the line, stick a number on said sweater and make her wait there until she is called, which will take a minimum of 10 minutes. Security will be assigned to the exits to ensure that said offender must stand there and take the punishment instead of leaving in protest.
Next up on 5/3: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 493, Interference by Spectators.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
This Year, I Will Hand Pass My Best Wishes to Chicago
The game: Chicago vs. Vancouver, Game 1, Western Conference Semi-Finals.
Why I chose it: Duh. It's a rematch of last year's semi-finals. Somebody's going home really happy and somebody's going home really pissed.
But next year's a whole different story: I will automatically be pro-Vancouver, as Portland Winterhawk Stefan Schneider has signed with them.
This is why Chicago should replace Niemi with cutie pie Frenchman Cristobal Huet: Vancouver just scored for the second time with 10 seconds to go in the 1st. Perhaps I will get a jump on being pro-Vancouver now.
Major bummer alert: While playing in his 358th consecutive game on Friday, Jordan Staal suffered a torn tendon in his foot, which required a surgical procedure. Depending on which news flash you read, he's out indefinitely. But I wouldn't get too comfortable Habs fans, because the Penguins are known for stepping up when one of their own goes down. And Max Talbot, the penultimate playoff/big game player, is back with a capital B.
The rule: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 484, Puck Striking an Official. Rule 490, Stopping/Passing the Puck with Hands. No clue what happend to Rules 485 to 489.
It sounds simple enough, but: In late January, a Swedish referee died after being struck in the back of the head with a puck. Hopefully they ignored this rule: Rule 484, Puck Striking an Official. Play shall not be stopped because the puck touches an official except when the puck has entered the goal.
It's hockey, not baseball...sort of: Rule 490, Stopping/Passing the Puck with Hands. A player shall be permitted to stop or bat the puck in the air with the open hand or push it along the ice with his hand, unless in the opinion of the Referee, the player has deliberately directed the puck to a team-mate.
Just when I thought I understood the face-off rules: 490.c. If the team-mate of such a player obtains possession of the puck in his Defending Zone, the Referee shall not stop the play provided the hand pass is completed before the player and puck leave the zone. However when the puck is passed with the hand from a player in the Neutral Zone to a team-mate in the Defending Zone, the Referee shall stop the play with the face-off at the point of stoppage. But, I think at last I understand that the face-off location is all about which zone the offense occurred in.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, basically don't bat or pass the puck with your hands to a team-mate deliberately...in any zone. Now I understand why hockey players like things like bowling and golf. At least they can touch the golf ball or bowling ball and not get busted.
Life: So, if I understand this rule correctly, this basically bans players from giving their team-mates a little boost with a hand pass. Which I understand. But I'm really glad life looks upon helping our fellow man as a good thing. I'd be most distressed if we were punished for the life version of hand passing, like making financial donations to charity, or holding the door for senior citizens and children.
Next up on 5/2: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 491, Kicking the Puck. Rule 492, High Sticking the Puck.
Why I chose it: Duh. It's a rematch of last year's semi-finals. Somebody's going home really happy and somebody's going home really pissed.
But next year's a whole different story: I will automatically be pro-Vancouver, as Portland Winterhawk Stefan Schneider has signed with them.
This is why Chicago should replace Niemi with cutie pie Frenchman Cristobal Huet: Vancouver just scored for the second time with 10 seconds to go in the 1st. Perhaps I will get a jump on being pro-Vancouver now.
Major bummer alert: While playing in his 358th consecutive game on Friday, Jordan Staal suffered a torn tendon in his foot, which required a surgical procedure. Depending on which news flash you read, he's out indefinitely. But I wouldn't get too comfortable Habs fans, because the Penguins are known for stepping up when one of their own goes down. And Max Talbot, the penultimate playoff/big game player, is back with a capital B.
The rule: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 484, Puck Striking an Official. Rule 490, Stopping/Passing the Puck with Hands. No clue what happend to Rules 485 to 489.
It sounds simple enough, but: In late January, a Swedish referee died after being struck in the back of the head with a puck. Hopefully they ignored this rule: Rule 484, Puck Striking an Official. Play shall not be stopped because the puck touches an official except when the puck has entered the goal.
It's hockey, not baseball...sort of: Rule 490, Stopping/Passing the Puck with Hands. A player shall be permitted to stop or bat the puck in the air with the open hand or push it along the ice with his hand, unless in the opinion of the Referee, the player has deliberately directed the puck to a team-mate.
Just when I thought I understood the face-off rules: 490.c. If the team-mate of such a player obtains possession of the puck in his Defending Zone, the Referee shall not stop the play provided the hand pass is completed before the player and puck leave the zone. However when the puck is passed with the hand from a player in the Neutral Zone to a team-mate in the Defending Zone, the Referee shall stop the play with the face-off at the point of stoppage. But, I think at last I understand that the face-off location is all about which zone the offense occurred in.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, basically don't bat or pass the puck with your hands to a team-mate deliberately...in any zone. Now I understand why hockey players like things like bowling and golf. At least they can touch the golf ball or bowling ball and not get busted.
Life: So, if I understand this rule correctly, this basically bans players from giving their team-mates a little boost with a hand pass. Which I understand. But I'm really glad life looks upon helping our fellow man as a good thing. I'd be most distressed if we were punished for the life version of hand passing, like making financial donations to charity, or holding the door for senior citizens and children.
Next up on 5/2: Section 4, Playing Rules. Rule 491, Kicking the Puck. Rule 492, High Sticking the Puck.
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