Here Honey, Hold My Latte... I Have To Go Start Some Excessive Roughness

The game: Because I know how to partay, I'm using my precious day off to sit around in my PJ's watching the all-day, pre-Stanley Cup final NHL Network hype-o-rama. Woohoo! But at least it beats the day I had yesterday. With a stick. It started with this:

Regular readers know I hate twits who take three hours to order coffee in Starbucks, but this takes it: Yesterday, some Class A with a cherry on top asshole actually walked right in front of me and stole my breakfast sandwich. He had also ordered one, but was in line behind me, and when they put mine out first, he walked right in front of me, swiped it and kept walking. Mind, the clerks and I both realized it and they made me another one, and it's not like I'm starving. But it's the principle of the matter.

Penalty for this one: Match penalty consisting of no re-entry into a Starbucks for the rest of the day, followed by a season-long suspension from Starbucks or any other establishment that makes breakfast nibbles. But maybe this is enough: What goes around comes around. He ordered an artisan sandwich that cost more, so he got something he didn't want, and very likely didn't realize it until it was too late.

But at least it ended with this: I did manage to see the new Robin Hood movie, complete with Alan Doyle in the cast. Doyle is a founding member of Great Big Sea, one of my favorite bands. They're from Newfoundland and you should put them on the iPod if you've not already done so. And in what had to be part of the reason he was cast, or at least a very funny coincidence, he played Alan A' Dale.

Ok, enough with my bad day, on with the rules: Section 5, Penalties. Fouls Against Players. Rule 527, Excessive Roughness. Rule 528, Fisticuffs or Roughing.

527, Excessive Roughness: Any player who commits an action not permitted by the rules that may cause or causes injury to an opponent, to a team or game official shall be assessed a match penalty. The circumstances shall be reported the proper authorities. Both parties can be assessed an appropriate penalty according to this rule.

528, Fisticuffs or Roughing:

Go ahead, drop the mitts, they dare you: 528.a. A player who intentionally takes off his gloves in a fight or altercation shall be assessed a misconduct penalty. 528. b. A player who starts fisticuffs shall be assessed a match penalty.

But if you attempt to fight back, think again: 528.c. A player who, having been struck, retaliates with a blow or attempted blow, shall be assessed a minor penalty.

And on the rare occasion a goalie loses his shit and decides to join the fray: 528.d. Any player or goalkeeper who is the first to intervene in an altercation already in progress, shall be assessed in addition to any other penalties incurred in the incident, a game misconduct penalty.

If you started it, why not carry on, you're going down anyway: 528.e. If a player, after he has been ordered by the Referee to stop, continues the altercation, attempts to continue, or resists a Linesman in the discharge of his duties, he shall be assessed, at the discretion of the Referee, a double minor penalty or major penalty + automatic game misconduct or match penalty.

And why stop at the action on the ice, when you can do this?: 528. f. A player or team official who is on or off the ice and is involved in an altercation or fisticuffs with a player or team official off the playing surface, he shall be assessed, at the discretion of the Referee, a misconduct penalty or game misconduct or match penalty.

How it's different from the NHL Rulebook: It's essentially the same as the fighting rules, but with less verbiage and the same penalties. Fighting on the ice, off the ice, starting a fight, joining a fight, defending yourself against another player...the wording may be different, but you're still screwed.

The game: So, basically, if you get hit with an unacceptable wonk to the head or other body part and you defend yourself, you're screwed. But what are you supposed to do, be a wussie and do nothing? Please. This is hockey, for pity's sake, not golf.

Life: I should have read this rule before I got coffee yesterday morning. Any ordinary citizen who intentially drops her handbag for the purpose of retaliating against another customer for stealing her breakfast shall be assessed, at the discretion of the barista, a minor penalty consisting of nothing more than waiting a few minutes for her sandwich to be remade, because after all she wasn't really the one at fault.

Next up on 5/30: Game 2 of the Chicago vs. Philadelphia game and Section 5, Penalties, Fouls Against Players. Rule 529, Head-Butting. Rule 530, High Sticking.