The Penalty For Life's Blunders... Five Minutes. No Substitution.

The game: Chicago vs. Vancouver.

Why I chose it: Can you say comeback? I wouldn't get too comfortable in Vancouver if I were you, Canucks fans.

Final score: Chicago 5, Vancouver 2. Chicago now leads the series 2-1.

Gotta love Wikipedia: I was looking up useless hockey trivia when I came across the delayed penalty rule. At last, I get it. A delayed penalty is when the team not in possession of the puck commits an offense. Play is not stopped until a goal is scored, the opposing team gets the puck or the team in possession of the puck commits a penalty. What it also means is that the team against whom the penalty was called can't score without stopping play, so the team in possesion of the puck can pull the goalie and substitute an extra player without the fear of being scored upon.

By the way: Wikipedia also defines a penalty as punishment for inappropriate behavior. Which is fine, if you work in an office all day. But let us hope that the NHL never sanctions a game in which there is a full 60 minutes of appropriate behavior. I mean really, why bother watching hockey?

But some things I will just never understand: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 501, Minor Penalty. Rule 502, Bench Minor Penalty. Rule 503, Major Penalty.

I'm still trying to figure out the difference between a Minor and a Bench Minor penalty. No, I'm not going back on Wikipedia, that's cheating. This is more fun.

Minor penalty: For a minor penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for two minutes and no substitution shall be allowed.

Bench minor penalty: For a bench minor penalty, any player, other than the goalkeeper of the penalized team, designated by the Manager or Coach through the Captain, shall be ruled off the ice for two minutes and no subsitution shall be permitted.

So, no five for fighting, then?: Rule 503, Major Penalty. For a major penalty, any player, including the goalkeeper, shall be ruled off the ice for the balance of the game (Game Misconduct penalty) and substitution shall be permitted after five minutes.

Morals of the story:

The game: Screw it. I'm making up my own rule. Five minutes, no substitution for everything except injury-causing penalties like boarding, open ice hits and checking from behind. And for these, you will simply be removed from the game, emasculated by a Bridezilla so that you will realize you are in fact a pussy who needs to release pent up passive-agressive energy with a bullshit penalty and forced to rethink some of your macho bullshit during a mandatory one-game suspension.

Life: In this installment, I continue my recommendation for the life equivalent of minor penalties, as follows:

-- Offenses for which a minor penalty may be imposed:

1) Texting or calling other people from the cell phone in the bathroom to update them on information that is way past "TMI." If you feel the need to order spicy dishes in an exotic restaurant whose name you can't pronounce, and you pay for it later, it is not fodder for text, Twitters or Facebook pages.

2) People who waste their time hating Sidney Crosby or anyone else who they are in fact envious of, because said individual has the life and genius talent you always wanted but will never have. Oh right, like you don't want your own mansion by a lake, an Olympic medal and a Stanley Cup or two. Sure you don't. Get over it. Get a hobby. Better yet, make the most of your own talent...start a blog, write a book, join a master's swim team...whatever. Not everyone can be Sidney Crosby. But everyone can lift their own version of the Stanley Cup if they set their mind to it.

Next up on 5/6: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 504, Misconduct Penalty. Rule 505, Game Misconduct Penalty. I still won't understand them, but onward we go.