Now, Back to our Regularly Scheduled Hockey Lesson

The distraction: The NHLPA's collective bargaining agreement.

Why I chose it: Because I want to know exactly how someone like Lou Lamoriello thought he could route around it. And for that matter, why all the other long-term deals out there were allowed to go down virtually undetected by the NHL's radar.

Perhaps I'll just read the CliffsNotes: This one might take a while: It's 475 pages and 50 sections long.

So let's start at the beginning. A very good place to start: Yes, I love "The Sound of Music." Get over it. Now, to the agreement: Article 1, Definitions.

If the "League Year" Starts in July, why can't hockey just keep going after June?: The "League Year" means the period of July 1 of one calendar year and including June 30 of the following calendar year or such other one year period to which the NHL and NHLPA may agree.

For all those players living in sin with models, actresses and country singers: "Living Companion" the criteria for Living Companion status is as follows: a) the persons are not related by blood, b) neither person is married, c) the persons share a primary residence, d) the persons have been living together for at least six months, and e) the persons are at least 18 years of age.

A little kibble for all of us living in junior hockey towns: "Major Juniors" or "Juniors" means the Canadian Hockey League, including the Western Hockey League, Ontario Hockey League, and the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League.

Go and be free. Sort of:

"Free agent" means a Restricted Free Agent and/or an Unrestricted Free Agent.

"Restricted free agent" means a player whose standard player contract (SPC) has expired, but who is still subject to a Right of First Refusal and/or Draft Choice Compensation in favor of his prior club as described in Article 10 of this Agreement.

"Unrestricted Free Agent" means a player who a) has either never signed an SPC or whose SPC has expired, or has been terminated or bought out by a Club; and b) who otherwise is not subject to any exclusive negotiating rights, Right of First Refusal, or Draft Choice Compensation in favor of any Club (including, without limitation, Players who referred to in Section 10.1 or 10.2(a)(iv) of this Agreement or a Player who becomes an Unrestricted Free Agent as a result of the Club exercising its walkaway rights under Article 12 of this agreement.)

Morals of the story:

The game: I think I see now why players need an entourage just to get to the rink. No wonder the "League Year" goes all year instead of just the regular and playoff season. The well-oiled machine that is the collective bargaining agreement never sleeps and I'm guessing, neither do its enforcers.

Life: In corporate America, unrestricted free agents are pretty much CEOs who just get to run a company into the ground until it spills oil into the world's oceans for the next 5 decades or leaves miners in a small hole for six months at a time. And the rest of us restricted free agents sort of have freedom in terms of when we go to lunch, and getting vacation now and again. But like this agreement, none of us are really free, are we?

I want to be an unrestricted free agent, and not be subject to negotiating rights over my salary, the size of my office or termination if I don't follow company rules. And under my leadership, we'd all leave at 3 every day to make it home in time to watch the East Coast games that start at 4 Pacific on Center Ice, and have offices big enough to accomodate our fatheads and bobblehead collections and a small mini-bar to keep the beer chilled. Anyone who decides they want to work until 5 and sit in gridlock for two hours will be subject to penalties as outlined in the company manual, including but not limited to termination for being a hockey non-appreciator and suspension without pay so you can go home and get properly acquainted with the sport before returning to paid, active duty.

Next up on 9/1: Article 2, Recognition. Article 3, Duration of Agreement.

Even if You're Not From Portland, You Might Want to Check Us Out

The distractions: Covering the Neely Cup from Portland Winterhawks' training camp this weekend. The results can be found here if you're looking for some kibbles to tide you over until this blog returns to its regularly scheduled programming: www.oregonlive.com/hawks.

And this: On Monday, I'll be posting an introductory sampling on my new home at Kukla's Korner. That takes place in about another 2 - 3 weeks, so there will be more details on that later.

And, of course, they're connected: It is me after all. I'll find a way to put two separate things about hockey together. To qualify as part of Paul Kukla's umbrella of bloggers, he asked all of us to post on his members' blog. For mine, I chose as my subject a little mini-draftee watch and a tribute to Ryan and Nino and all our Portland Winterhawks' draftees. You can check it out here:
http://tinyurl.com/29ejvay

And if you found this blog through oregonlive: Put Portland Winterhawks into the search bar for plenty of archival Hawks material to tide you over until I post something new here on Tuesday.

Next up: Back to our regularly scheduled programming on Tuesday with the collective bargaining agreement.

What's the Signal for We're Finished?

All good things must end: Like the IIHF Rulebook, which I conclude tonight with Referee's and Linesman's signals.

Ok, so now what?: A new home for this blog on Kukla's Korner this fall. And of course, my new all-Winterhawks, all the time blog on oregonlive.com/hawks. Plenty to keep me out of trouble.

But for now: It's on to the NHL's collective bargaining agreement. After we tackle this:

The rule: Annex 4, Duties of the Officials. Referee's Signals. Linesman's Signals.

Some of these make sense: Like elbowing (tapping either elbow with the opposite hand), holding (grasping either wrist with the other hand in front of the chest) and kneeing (tapping either knee with the palm of the hand, while keeping both skates on the ice).

But I want to know how much wine the proper authorities were drinking when they came up with this one: Match Penalty - Rule 507. Patting the palm of the hand on top of the head. Do they have to to rub their stomach at the same time?

And of course, since we all know how much I love and hate the icing rule, there's this: Icing the Puck - Rule 460. The back Linesman (or Referee in the Two Official System) signals a possible icing, by fully extending either arm over his head. The arm shall remain raised until the front Linesman or Referee, either blows the whistle to indicate an icing, or until the icing is washed out. Once the icing has been completed, the back Linesman or Referee shall first cross his arms in front of the chest and then shall point to the appropriate face-off spot and skate to it.

Morals of the story:

The game: Like the job itself, the Linesman's signals are way more complicated, and dependent on one of the other officials. Somebody give these guys a break. Either the player iced the puck or he didn't. Why wait for someone else to tell you they did?

Life: Linesmen are like the vice presidents of companies. They get a lot of power, but it means working way harder than the prez and they are beholden to the big cheese to make the final decisions on things. There should be signals for VPs that they could use in meetings or other events where they've had enough of playing second banana to the bigger monkeys. Such as:

-- Hold left palm down towards ground and push fingertips of other hand upwards into palm repeatedly to indicate "you are an ass and nobody is listening to what you are saying."

-- Hold index finger to head in motion that mimics a gun being held up to your head to indicate that the death by powerpoint is really killing people and must be stopped to avoid any further harm to employees.

-- Run hand across neck repeatedly to indicate that the idea the president is about to present is a bad one that will cost the company millions of dollars, result in a PR nightmare and prompt the board to vote him off the corporate island.

Next up: The NHL's collective bargaining agreement.

All Parents Shall Automatically Qualify for a Job as a Penalty Bench Attendant.

The distraction: Off to the Portland Winterhawks' press conference we go to meet the team's 2010 NHL Draftees, coach Mike Johnston and mingle with fans. On tap: where Nino came up with "I just want to be drafted higher than 14," what Nino and Luke Walker think of the talk that they will go into the NHL early this season and a chat with defenseman Taylor Aronson. Check out www.oregonlive.com/hawks on Wednesday morning for the results.

And at last, let there be light: This weekend as part of training camp, the Portland Winterhawks will be participating in the Neely Cup. Yes, my friends, for four days straight there will be some form of hockey played in Portland by future NHL stars. And it's free. Hallelujah, praise whatever and let the games begin.

But first, the rule: Annex 5, Duties of the Officials. Rule A4.25, Announcer's Duties. Rule A4.26, Penalty Bench Attendant's Duties.

A4.25: The announcer shall announce by means of a public address system the: awarding of goals and assists, penalties, end of penalties, when one minute remains in the first and second periods, when two minutes remain in the third period.

A4.26: The Penalty Bench Attendant is responsible for
1) Providing a penalized player, upon request, with the correct information as to the unexpired time of the penalty.
2) Allowing the penalized player to return to the ice at the appropriate time upon the completion of the penalty.
3) Notifying the Scorekeeper if a player leaves the penalty bench before the end of the penalty.

Morals of the story:

The game: Why only minute in the first and second, and two in the third? A last ditch effort to say, hey, if you didn't get it together by now, these two minutes are your last chance? Discuss. Also, notify the Scorekeeper? What's he going to do about it, other than record it on the official score sheet that a penalty wasn't served in its entirety? That's like the police in England, who back in the day didn't carry weapons and Robin Williams made fun of it, saying "what are they going to do...stop! Or I'll say stop again!

Life: If you are a parent, you qualify for the job of Penalty Bench Attendant. If your little whippersnapper asks if they can come out of their time out, you simply tell them no, 5 more minutes, junior. And when they do, it's at your mercy that they can return to their regularly scheduled misbehaving and ignoring everything you tell them. And finally, you can also notify the other "Scorekeeper" if one of the little buggers tries to escape the time out, so he or she can corral them and return them to their little corner. If you are a parent and looking to make a career change, then this is the job for you.

Next up on 8/25: Annex 5, Illustration of Goal Frame. And Referee's Signals. And with that boys and girls, we will be officially done with the IIHF Rulebook.

Hybrid Icing = Don't Even Think About Chasing The Puck.

The distraction: The new hybrid icing rule under debate at the NHL's research and development camp.

Why I'm distracted by it: I think I might finally understand icing. And why this rule is so important. Normally, icing is called when a team shoots the puck from beyond the red line into the attacking zone and it crosses the goal line untouched. But this also triggers a an injury-inducing, frenetic scramble to get to the puck first. Hybrid icing is a mix of touch and no-touch icing.

It's kind of like probable cause in the law books: The linesman could blow his whistle if he believes a defending player will reach the puck first. If he thinks the attacking player will get there first, he holds the whistle and lets the play continue. The linesman will always side with the defending player if he thinks there will be a tie when both players get there.

In other words: Safety first for the defensemen, who become a target when trying to chase down the puck.

Personally, I like it: But then again, I'm still trying to understand it.

Speaking of rules: Annex 4, Duties of the Officials. A4.24, Timekeeper's Duties.

A4.24.a: The Timekeeper shall record:
1. Game countdown before the game.
2. Time of starting and finishing of each period and game.
3. 15 minute intermission between each period.
4. All actual playing time during the game.
5. Time of the start and finish of all penalties.
6. Start and finish of time-outs.

And of course: Let's say it all together now...In the event of any dispute regarding time, the Referee's decision shall be final.

Morals of the story:

The game: Timekeepers are like the accountants of hockey. They track every last minute of every last play, penalty and break. We all know that companies live and die by their bottom line and just the way number crunchers keep corporate America running, timekeepers keep a game running. Unless, of course, the Referee decides otherwise.

Life: We all know life is far too short and every minute is too valuable to waste it, but we do. But what if every minute of everything we did in life was recorded and provided to the proper authorities on an official Game Sheet? Would we spend whole days sitting on the couch watching reality reruns? Would we say "Maybe someday" or "I'll do that tomorrow?" I'm guessing not. If someone kept track of my every minute, for example, I guarantee I'd spend a lot more time in the gym, a lot less time making paper clip forts during boring conference calls and a lot less time driving through the Sonic burger window at midnight.

Next up: Annex 4, Duties of the Officials. A4.25, Announcer's Duties. A4.26, Penalty Bench Attendant's Duties.

The Rulebook End Is Nigh...Now What?

The distraction/shameless self-promotion: My new all-Portland Winterhawks blog at oregonlive.com. You can check it out here: http://www.oregonlive.com/hawks.

All good things must come to an end: Like the IIHF Rulebook. I should be done with it this weekend. Have no fear, it's on to the NHL's Collective Bargaining Agreement. And this fall, a new home for this blog on Kukla's Korner. More on that in coming weeks.

The rule: Annex 5, Duties of the Officials. Rule A4.21, Scorekeeper's Duties Before the Game. A 4.22, Scorekeeper's Duties During the Game. A4.23, Scorekeeper's Duties After the Game.

A4.21: The scorekeeper must obtain from the Manager or Coach of both teams a list of all eligible players, including their name, position and number, as well as all data concerning the game.

A4.22: The scorekeeper records on the official game sheet the following: goals, number of scorers and players to whom assists are awarded, players on the ice when a goal is scored, penalties, penalty shot, name of player who took the penalty shot and result of the penalty shot and time of entry into the game of a substitute goalkeeper. He is also responsible for correct posting of goals and penalties on the scoreboard, ensuring that time served for penalties is correct, advising the Referee when the same player has received his second misconduct penalty in the same game, and notifying the Referee if a player not on the Official Game Sheet is participating in the game.

A4.23: The scorekeeper prepares the Official Game Sheet for signature by the Referee and forward it to the Proper Authorities.

Morals of the story:

The game: Is there anything the scorekeeper doesn't do? Maybe if you pay him a bonus he'll make coffee and hot chocolate for everybody before the game too.

Life: Scorekeepers in hockey are a lot like accountants and project managers and administrative assistants in Corporate America. They keep track of everything and run the company, while the boss gets his name on the scoreboard. And the reward is the same too: zero, except for maybe a thanks from the boss for keeping everybody in line. There should be a reward-based rule for life's scorekeepers, in which they get a small treat in the form of their favorite snack or beverage every time they properly record and report life's details, followed by a large meal (with wine, of course) when they turn in the scoresheet to the proper authorities. Of course, I've never advanced past middle management either, so perhaps my theories shouldn't be trusted. But still, if I were queen, the work day would be 6 hours long, we'd all eat chocolate around 3 everyday and all employees who live to work and never enjoy a treat would be immediately fired.

Next up: Annex 5, Duties of the Officials. A4.25, Timekeeper's Duties.

Referee Shall Report and Impose Penalties, Unless I Have a Crush on Him.

The distraction: Watching reruns of "Haven" on SyFy and wondering what it would be like to live in the idyllic Nova Scotia town where it's filmed. And Sidney Crosby is from there, so perhaps I will uproot my life and move to the other side of the world....you get the idea. This is why the hockey off-season should end, like, right now.

But not to fear: Next week commences the opening of the Portland Winterhawks' training camp and my own little "30 in 30" counting down to our opening night on Sept. 27. What 30 in 30 will be about, no clue. But I'll figure it out. And I'm pretty sure it will involve player profiles, playoff predictions and whether or not Nino will be present and accounted for on his bobblehead night.

The rule: Annex 4, Duties of the Officials.

The quirk: The book lists as a title A4.20, Off-Ice Officials, but there's nothing underneath it. Like say, a list of who qualifies as an off-ice official.

But really, here's the most important rule of any game: A4.10, Two Official System - Referees' Duties During the Game. Among their tasks:

The Referees shall impose and report to the Scorekeeper such penalties as described by the playing rules for infractions thereof.
They shall stop play for any other infractions to the rules.
They shall allow the goals scored.
They shall cause to be announced over the public address system the reason for not allowing a goal.
They shall face-off the puck at any stoppage of play.

Morals of the story:

The game: So basically, the Ref does everything except play, announce things and keep score of the game. We sit there in our stadium seats with our beer and our food that isn't in that little food pyramid you learn about in school and we judge whether a Ref has done his job. Me personally, the next time I see a bad call I'm letting it go. The Refs have a lot of power, but they also have a lot of responsibility and if they're wrong, nobody lets them forget it. Of course, if the Ref making the bad call is cutie pie WHL Ref/corporate lawyer Matt Kirk, then I might have to re-think a few things. Because there's no excuse for cute Canadian boys with law degrees making bad calls.

Life: Being a Ref or a linesman is a lot like being a parent. Not that I'd know, because I don't have any. But still, I see the family units out and about and I have come to the conclusion that parenting and Reffing are basically the same thing. You have to render discipline when maybe you don't want to because that dude on the other team deserved that hit after all, but it's not ok to let it go and sanction violence. You have to punish repeat offenders like Daniel Carcillo and it still doesn't do any good because they still don't listen to you. You have to make sure everybody's in their places at opening face-off and all equipment is within regulation standards, not unlike dressing little whippersnappers and making sure they are in their appointed car safety seat for transport to the school. And really, parents don't get any more reward than Refs, except for a handmade card on some fabricated Hallmark holiday, and an occasional thanks if you're lucky.

I'm not a parent, but if I were in charge, I'd make recognition and understanding of the sacrifices parents make for us mandatory for all children by age 10 and if they haven't figured it out by then, then parents should feel no guilt about leaving the little buggers to fend for themselves until they do. Nothing extreme mind you, like leaving them on the street and what not. Just something minor, like no texting friends on the Hello Kitty phone and no Netflix and no computer time. In today's day and age, guaranteed they'll cave and learn to appreciate in about...oh.....three minutes.

Next up on 8/17: Annex 4, Duties of the Officials. Scorekeeper's duties.