Friday, June 18, 2010

Reason #101 to Love Hockey: The Players Are Men and Not Wussies.

So I'm watching the FIFA World Cup to fill the void until the next hockey news tidbit surfaces, and here's what I think: Man up, wussies. Soccer players are a bunch of little divers! Now mind, they are totally hot, but's the deal:

I've never been to Slovenia, but I am automatically rooting for them because Anze and Gasper Kopitar come from there, and that's enough reason for me. But their national soccer team needs to get it together. One of the players went down because a US player dinged him in the eye. Now, the eye wasn't bleeding, it didn't fall out or swell shut. He just got hit. And he started writhing around like it was a major deal, in apparent agony. Dude, there's an NHL player who lost one of his testicles because he got clocked by a puck going nearly 100 miles an hour. Hockey players get cut in the eye all the time and they get stitched up, get jacked on painkillers, and go right back to scoring in the next period. And the Slovenian player's like "ow, my eye." Please. Unless these little soccer players man up in a hurry, I'll have to find another off-season hobby.

WOOHOO! Alert/NHL here we come: I thought I was excited about the NHL Draft, but this, I must say, is even more thrilling. Portland Winterhawk Chris Francis has signed an AHL contract with the Springfield Falcons, the affiliate of the Columbus Blue Jackets. Note to self: Add to monthly cable bill by signing up for online video access to the AHL. Soooooooo totally excited about this one. For those of you in Columbus, I sincerely hope Chris gets called up for NHL duty. You're in for a real treat. Personally, I'm all in for Chris making it to the NHL. It might be a winding and perhaps longer road, but he'll get there. He stayed in Portland through some nasty years, and he ended on high note by winning the Winterhawks' MVP award this year, and finally making it to the playoffs. I have every confidence this story will have a happy ending. Plus, to refresh, he also grew up in a desert where there was exactly one hockey rink to be found. I have to like's a moral imperative. There is no one more deserving of success as a professional hockey player than Chris. You go, boy.

Well, you won't see this in the NHL Rulebook: Section 5, Penalties. Fouls Against Players. Rule 541, Women Body-Checking.

Rule 541: In women's ice hockey, if a player makes a direct body-check, she shall be assessed, at the discretion of the Referee, a minor penalty or major + automatic game misconduct penalty. The rule is a lot like a girlfight - straight up, no bullshit.

But you will definitely see this: Rule 550, Abuse of Official and Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Players.

And this you'll see for sure: 550.c. If a player on the ice who uses obscene, profane or abusive language on the ice or anywhere in the rink before, during or after the game except in the vicinity of the bench shall be assessed a misconduct penalty. And why, may you ask, is the "vicinity of the bench" excepted? Ah, yes. Because if it happens on the bench it's only a bench minor. I love "anywhere in the rink." Who cares if you swear at yourself on the way off the ice when you're team's down by 2 at the start of the second period? The IIHF does, apparently.

But this is the best: 550.f. Any player who makes a travesty of or interferes with or is detrimental to the conducting of the game shall be assessed a match penalty. I want to see and hear the Ref who cites said player and out loud, in full earshot of fans, says to the player "that's it, you've made a travesty of us all. Off with you I say!"

Morals of the story:

The game: Refresh me, why exactly would I want to watch a game where there's no swearing, spitting or the players don't incite another into an altercation? And there must be, at a minimum, one travesty per game or I'm simply changing the station. To something like say, "The Hangover," which is on cable yet again. Yes, I was a guy in another life. Why doesn't anyone believe me?

Life: Oh please. If I was penalized for every foul thing that comes out of my mouth, I'd never make it into work in the morning. And if I was further dinged for sticking my foot in my mouth at every possible opportunity, you'd never see another entry in this blog because I'd be on life's penalty bench about oh... let's see now.....every three seconds.

Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Fouls Against Players. Rule 551, Abuse of Official and Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Team Officials.

1 comment:

  1. I'd say hockey players are wussies. They wear more padding than any other sport. They're cry babies too because they have to fight over everything and cant just man up and play the game. I understand why they have to wear pads but for christ sake they are way more protected than they need to be.