Saturday, August 7, 2010

It Is Recommended That All Players Wear Their Complete Advertisement.

The distraction: The NHL Network's replay of the Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa playoff series.

Which is perfect, because: It's Sidney Crosby's birthday. The NHL's boy wonder is all of 23 today. True, this year he's not literally parading around Nova Scotia with the Cup, but how many 23-year-olds have? And how many of us at that age had, within the same year, carried the Olympic torch and scored the goal that won our country a gold medal? I'm guessing...oh, let's see one, carry the three....add a Zilch. Nada. I cannot even believe there are people out there who write entire blogs about hating Crosby. Get a hobby. Join a knitting club. Learn to bowl. Do something with yourself that involves improving yourself, others or the world. And for the record, it's the Captain's job to talk with Referees about calls. So, he's not whining, he's working. There. I said it. Now I feel better. End of rant. End of birthday greetings to someone who's way more mature at 23 than I ever have been. And I'm nearly 20 years older. Back to topic...

The rule: Annexes. Annex 1, Advertising Regulations.

But first, betcha didn't know this: During the warm up:

a. Each team shall confine their activities to their own half of the rink, so as to leave clear an area nine metres wide across the center of the Neutral Zone.

b. It is recommended that all players wear their complete equipment.

Annex 1: Advertising and venue identification may be placed on the ice, the boards, the protective glass, nets, goals, or any other surface in and around the players' benches, penalty benches, goal judge areas and off-ice official's area, on the players' uniforms and/or equipment and the referees' and linesmans' uniforms and/or equipment, provided the specifications are provided to and written permission is given by:

1. The International Ice Hockey Federation.

2. The National Associations with regards to all games, both national and international, played within their territory.

Morals of the story:

The game: So basically, there's nowhere you can't advertise in an international hockey rink. And of course you have to wear your full equipment, seeing as how it does have ads on it and all. And I thought the United States was bad. At least in the NHL, the glass, uniforms, equipment and goal are off limits. But whatever you do, stay away from the other team at all costs when not playing. Love it.

Life: Advertising is truly evil genius. It's taught us to equate material worth with self-worth. It has convinced us we need things that either a) we want but don't need or b) that we don't need or want. I've long since given up on my dream of a world without advertising, but what if there really was truth in advertising? And companies that sell you have to tell you everything, not just the good stuff:

-- For pharmaceutical manufacturers would have to tell you up front, and in much bigger font sizes, all the side effects before they tell you how great their drug is. Imagine the lives you could save.

-- For car dealerships like Toyota, they'd have to post in their ads a copy of safety inspectors' notes with things like "gas pedal shows signs of sticking on some models. Recommend reworking before releasing for sale."

-- All those beauty products would have to admit that their products do nothing to stop the aging process, slow down wrinkles or vanquish cellulite. In its place would be copy telling you to enjoy your youth while you can and age gracefully, which by the way does not include botox, surgery or expensive eye cream. My father used to call it "25 going on 100." He would say that whenever he saw women his age tying to look young in a miniskirt and fake blonde hair. In other words, the more she tried to look young, the older she looked. It's hard to admit as we age, but in the end our parents were right about everything.

Next up: Annex 2, Game Countdown and Warm-Up Procedures.

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