The games: Anaheim vs. Dallas (12/8) and New York Rangers vs. Chicago (12/9).
Why I chose them: I still believe in Anaheim, even if they don't believe in themselves. And the other - it's an original six matchup, it's below freezing outside, it's Wednesday. I have heat, Center Ice, large foofoo blanket and red wine. Enough said.
My favorite play: Dan Sexton -- playing in only his third NHL game -- getting the game tying goal in the third period, which propelled Anaheim to an overtime victory over Dallas.
The rules: Section 5, Officials. Rule 31, Appointment of Officials. Rule 32, Referees.
Number of sections in the rules: Rule 31: 2. Rule 32: 11.
Definition: Rule 31 is two sections long and just basically gives the Commissioner the right to appoint the refs, linesmen, on-ice officials, and video goal judge for each game. Rule 32 is more lengthy and provides a complete guide to the rights and duties of the referees, including: attire and equipment, disputes, face-offs, general duties, goals, off-ice officials, penalties, players' uniforms, reports, start and end of game periods and unable to continue. It also outlines how the goal/assist and penalties will be announced over the public address system.
Things I didn't know but should have because I sit around thinking about, watching or reading about hockey for at least 6 hours every day:
32.7, Penalties: Where players of both teams are penalized on the same play, the penalty to the visiting player shall be announced first. When a penalty is imposed by the Referee, which calls for a mandatory or automatic fine, only the time portion of the penalty will be reported by the Referee to the Official Scorer and announced over the public address system, and the fine will be collected through the League office.
32.10, Start and End of Game Periods: The Referees shall remain on the ice at the conclusion of each period until all players have proceeded to their dressing rooms.
But this is the best: 32.11, Unable to continue. If, through misadventure or sickness, the Referees and Linesman appointed are prevented from appearing, the League shall make every attempt to find suitable replacement officials, otherwise the Managers or Coaches of the two Clubs shall agree on Referees and Linesman. Misadventure? So, in case the refs and/or linesmen go on a weeklong extravaganza to South America and get lost or kidnapped while kayaking in the Amazon Rain forest (what's left of it), the League will sort it out in their absence? I love it. If it's NHL season, and you're a ref, forget that little weekend trip to Costa Rica to go scuba diving and get out of freezing rinks. You might have a misadventure and miss a game.
The final score: Anaheim 4, Dallas 3 in OT after the Ducks rallied from a 3-0 deficit in the second period. Chicago 2, New York 1 (in OT).
Morals of the story:
The game: As fans, we assume the referees' and linesmen's jobs start when they enter the ice and we start booing them. But it starts well before that and continues after the game. Plus, they have to break up fights, calm down angry players and captains, put up with fans' crap and get verbally and physically abused. In the WHL, most of the refs have day jobs. One of the most respected is a corporate lawyer in Vancouver. Some are cops. It's perfect. Men who are used to people hating them and who are accustomed to enforcing the law in some way. Who better to watch the lines and keep the peace? Game on, boys.
And fellow fans/armchair refs (myself included), let's face it: We're in the stands eating food where 100 percent of the calories come from fat, drinking beer and wishing we could trade places with the players. We're above the glass, we're not responsible for calls that could change a game and some of us haven't seen the inside of a gym since the temperature outside was above 70 degrees. Players come and go in short shifts so as to give them a rest now and again. Refs and linesmen don't get replaced by the third or fourth line - they skate the full two to three hours (or more in OT or shootouts). They don't get a break to go have misadventures. And something tells me they're not making player-sized million dollar salaries. The next time they levy an unfair call, give 'em a break with a small b. What referees have to deal with before, during and after a game isn't fair either.
Life: In hockey, officials are responsible for everything from uniforms to making sure the off-ice officials are in their place and teams have reported for duty. Their work starts before they set foot on the ice and they have to hangout until the players have exited. Corporate America needs a referee and linesman system. A company should have a miminum of one ref and two linesman to monitor the coming and going of all employees and their daily activities (including executives). Duties would include:
Arriving at the office before the official opening and monitoring the nearby coffee shops and restaurants to ensure that no employees (especially those whose title is director or above) are taking a three-hour coffee break at Starbucks or building paper clip forts while ignoring important company news during conference calls.
Circling the office at five-minute intervals to break up fights over corporate takeovers, media consolidation and the like (also referred to as discussions in which both parties agree to "touch base to see where we are with this in a few days"), listen in on phone calls and read over people's shoulders to prevent insider trading, and break a vital part on the paper shredder to prevent the destruction of potentially incriminating evidence.
Remaining at the office until all employees have left the building to ensure that no one stays behind to move a few numbers around on a spreadsheet, delete a few suspicious emails, backdate some stock options, get their freak on with the executive assistant or call their girlfriend in Ireland on the company's dime.
Next up on 12/11: Section 5, Officials. Rule 33, Linesmen.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Day 30, Rule 30
The games: Tampa Bay vs. Washington and Pittsburgh vs. Carolina Hurricanes.
Why I chose them: Tampa vs. Washington (or vs. any other team, for that matter) - Duh. New readers - welcome and see previous entries for a full explanation. Pittsburgh vs. Carolina - the brothers Staal face off against each other. Mais, oui.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 30, Signals.
Number of sections in the rule: 33 Signals.
Definition: This is a complete written and graphic description of the hand and arm signals that the refs use to indicate calls. They are listed in alphabetical order and include the following: butt-ending, boarding, clipping, cross-checking, goal scored, high sticking, holding, hooking, icing, misconduct, roughing, slashing, tripping, unsportsmanlike conduct and wash out.
My favorite highlights: Fittingly, the signal for misconduct (30.23) is hands on hips. Logical signals include: 30.11, goal scored (single point directed at the goal in which the puck legally entered); 30.10 elbowing (tapping either elbow with the opposite hand) and 30.17, hooking (a tugging motion with both arms as if as if pulling something from in front of the stomach). One of the more complicated is 30.18, icing: (a) The back Linesman signals a possible icing by fully extending either arm over his head. The arm should remain raised until the front Linesman either blows the whistle to indicate an icing or until the icing is washed out. (b) Once the icing has been completed, the back Linesman will then point to the appropriate face-off spot and skate to it, turning backwards somewhere near the blue line and crossing his arms across his chest to indicate icing.
The final scores: Carolina 3, Pittsburgh 2. Washington 3, Tampa Bay 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: Referees not only have to know all 87 rules, they have to know their own version of sign language to indicate calls. Let's face it -- if most of us had to retain that much information for our jobs, we'd be fired because we couldn't do it. Sure, we have an employee handbook from our company, but how many of us actually memorize it, let alone read the damn thing? And we probably went to college to learn how to do our job, but how many textbooks do we recall from memory? Exactly. Give 'em a kibble now and again, fellow nerds. They're doing their jobs and they're doing it better than most of us ever could.
Life: How cool would it be if we could use hand signals instead of words to signal other people's ordinary offenses? Examples include:
Signal for end of "overtime" meetings that have no agenda, a minimum of 150 PowerPoint slides and have already put two high-ranking executives into a coma: Point at presenter with one hand and use the other to point at the door.
Signal for get off your cell phone in yoga class or I will kill you: Stand behind offender and wrap both hands around neck, without actually touching skin. With hands approximately two inches from skin, simulate throttling motion by moving hands back and forth rapidly.
Signal that the bank teller at the far end is open don't just stand there you idiot I'm already cutting into my lunch hour with this errand run: Simulate a kicking motion by kicking the right leg out to the side in several swift motions. Alternate signal choice: push both hands straight out from your chest towards the offender, as if pushing him or her forward.
Next up on 12/9: Section 5, Officials. Rule 31, Appointment of Officials and Rule 32, Referees.
Why I chose them: Tampa vs. Washington (or vs. any other team, for that matter) - Duh. New readers - welcome and see previous entries for a full explanation. Pittsburgh vs. Carolina - the brothers Staal face off against each other. Mais, oui.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 30, Signals.
Number of sections in the rule: 33 Signals.
Definition: This is a complete written and graphic description of the hand and arm signals that the refs use to indicate calls. They are listed in alphabetical order and include the following: butt-ending, boarding, clipping, cross-checking, goal scored, high sticking, holding, hooking, icing, misconduct, roughing, slashing, tripping, unsportsmanlike conduct and wash out.
My favorite highlights: Fittingly, the signal for misconduct (30.23) is hands on hips. Logical signals include: 30.11, goal scored (single point directed at the goal in which the puck legally entered); 30.10 elbowing (tapping either elbow with the opposite hand) and 30.17, hooking (a tugging motion with both arms as if as if pulling something from in front of the stomach). One of the more complicated is 30.18, icing: (a) The back Linesman signals a possible icing by fully extending either arm over his head. The arm should remain raised until the front Linesman either blows the whistle to indicate an icing or until the icing is washed out. (b) Once the icing has been completed, the back Linesman will then point to the appropriate face-off spot and skate to it, turning backwards somewhere near the blue line and crossing his arms across his chest to indicate icing.
The final scores: Carolina 3, Pittsburgh 2. Washington 3, Tampa Bay 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: Referees not only have to know all 87 rules, they have to know their own version of sign language to indicate calls. Let's face it -- if most of us had to retain that much information for our jobs, we'd be fired because we couldn't do it. Sure, we have an employee handbook from our company, but how many of us actually memorize it, let alone read the damn thing? And we probably went to college to learn how to do our job, but how many textbooks do we recall from memory? Exactly. Give 'em a kibble now and again, fellow nerds. They're doing their jobs and they're doing it better than most of us ever could.
Life: How cool would it be if we could use hand signals instead of words to signal other people's ordinary offenses? Examples include:
Signal for end of "overtime" meetings that have no agenda, a minimum of 150 PowerPoint slides and have already put two high-ranking executives into a coma: Point at presenter with one hand and use the other to point at the door.
Signal for get off your cell phone in yoga class or I will kill you: Stand behind offender and wrap both hands around neck, without actually touching skin. With hands approximately two inches from skin, simulate throttling motion by moving hands back and forth rapidly.
Signal that the bank teller at the far end is open don't just stand there you idiot I'm already cutting into my lunch hour with this errand run: Simulate a kicking motion by kicking the right leg out to the side in several swift motions. Alternate signal choice: push both hands straight out from your chest towards the offender, as if pushing him or her forward.
Next up on 12/9: Section 5, Officials. Rule 31, Appointment of Officials and Rule 32, Referees.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Day 29, Rule 29
The game: Ottawa vs. Anaheim and Detroit vs. New York Rangers.
Why I chose it: Alas, my favorite underappreciated Swiss goalie isn't starting in net for Anaheim. Not to worry - my personal #2 backup Henrik Lundqvist is starting for New York. Game on.
The Rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 29, Supplementary Discipline.
Numer of sections in the rule: 2.
Definition: This rule gives the Commissioner the right to investigate and impose additional discipline (fines, suspensions) on top of automatic fines and suspensions and applies not only to players, but also to goalkeepers, managers, trainers, coaches, non-playing club personnel or club executives. It applies to pre-season, exhibition, league or playoff games and includes offenses committed during or in the aftermath of a game. The catch is that the discipline has to be undertaken within 24 hours of the game in which the offense occurred.
My favorite highlight: 29.2, Pre-Season and Exhibition Games. Whenever suspensions are imposed as a result of infractions occurring during pre-season and exhibition games, the Comissioner shall exercise his discretion in scheduling the suspensions to ensure that no team shall be short more players in any regular League game than it would have been had the infractions occurred in regular League games.
The current score: Detroit vs. Rangers - tied at 1 at end of second period. Ottawa vs. Anaheim tied at 2 at end of first period.
Morals of the story:
The game: Ok, let me get this straight. This rule at first appears to be the "just in case you thought you were getting away with something, think again" rule. But then it contradicts itself by not punishing the team with a man disadvantage once the regular season starts. How like life hockey is. We have all these rules and laws to keep us in line, but all of them have a loophole that can be exploited. In this case, the loophole is make sure you commit your offenses in pre-season, so the team doesn't have to be a man (or two) down in regular season.
Life: We need supplementary discipline for a number of egregious offenses that are committed in life, such as:
--Offense: Bailout plan paying for golden parachutes and CEO bonuses for Wall Street Executives. Supplementary Discipline: Since the taxpayers ended up paying for these, an independent representative of the people should have the right to investigate and add further punishment, like, say, automatic sale of their trophy houses (all of them), and forced house arrest in a trailer park with minimum wage (after taxes) and a bus pass, thereby forcing said CEOs to ride among the people whose taxes saved them from the unemployment line.
--Offense: Parents who let their children run around a 4-star restaurant with their very loud toys, stopping here and there to show total strangers the booger on their designer label sweater, instead of making them sit up straight in their chair, napkin folded, talking in "indoor voices." Supplementary Discipline: Forced removal from their reserved window-view table to the kitchen, where the kids can run around all they want and pick up little things off the floor and go "what's this?" and then eat it anyway before you can stop them, while you wait to be served a plate full of whatever scraps the polite, well-behaved customers didn't want.
--Offense: Addendum to a previous entry. Anyone who talks on a cell phone in inappropriate locations, including but not limited to libraries, quiet romantic restaurants, trains, planes and automobiles and bank lines. Supplementary Discipline: Permanent house arrest in a single room apartment with a rotary phone (no answering machine), a manual typewriter with the one key that doesn't type and a black and white TV with three channels. Your name will be placed on a technology "most wanted" list so if you even THINK about buying an iPhone, it will result in your immediate arrest, and will be punishable by an automatic fine of more money than you make in a year and a minimum of one year in prison.
Next up on 12/7: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 30, Signals.
Why I chose it: Alas, my favorite underappreciated Swiss goalie isn't starting in net for Anaheim. Not to worry - my personal #2 backup Henrik Lundqvist is starting for New York. Game on.
The Rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 29, Supplementary Discipline.
Numer of sections in the rule: 2.
Definition: This rule gives the Commissioner the right to investigate and impose additional discipline (fines, suspensions) on top of automatic fines and suspensions and applies not only to players, but also to goalkeepers, managers, trainers, coaches, non-playing club personnel or club executives. It applies to pre-season, exhibition, league or playoff games and includes offenses committed during or in the aftermath of a game. The catch is that the discipline has to be undertaken within 24 hours of the game in which the offense occurred.
My favorite highlight: 29.2, Pre-Season and Exhibition Games. Whenever suspensions are imposed as a result of infractions occurring during pre-season and exhibition games, the Comissioner shall exercise his discretion in scheduling the suspensions to ensure that no team shall be short more players in any regular League game than it would have been had the infractions occurred in regular League games.
The current score: Detroit vs. Rangers - tied at 1 at end of second period. Ottawa vs. Anaheim tied at 2 at end of first period.
Morals of the story:
The game: Ok, let me get this straight. This rule at first appears to be the "just in case you thought you were getting away with something, think again" rule. But then it contradicts itself by not punishing the team with a man disadvantage once the regular season starts. How like life hockey is. We have all these rules and laws to keep us in line, but all of them have a loophole that can be exploited. In this case, the loophole is make sure you commit your offenses in pre-season, so the team doesn't have to be a man (or two) down in regular season.
Life: We need supplementary discipline for a number of egregious offenses that are committed in life, such as:
--Offense: Bailout plan paying for golden parachutes and CEO bonuses for Wall Street Executives. Supplementary Discipline: Since the taxpayers ended up paying for these, an independent representative of the people should have the right to investigate and add further punishment, like, say, automatic sale of their trophy houses (all of them), and forced house arrest in a trailer park with minimum wage (after taxes) and a bus pass, thereby forcing said CEOs to ride among the people whose taxes saved them from the unemployment line.
--Offense: Parents who let their children run around a 4-star restaurant with their very loud toys, stopping here and there to show total strangers the booger on their designer label sweater, instead of making them sit up straight in their chair, napkin folded, talking in "indoor voices." Supplementary Discipline: Forced removal from their reserved window-view table to the kitchen, where the kids can run around all they want and pick up little things off the floor and go "what's this?" and then eat it anyway before you can stop them, while you wait to be served a plate full of whatever scraps the polite, well-behaved customers didn't want.
--Offense: Addendum to a previous entry. Anyone who talks on a cell phone in inappropriate locations, including but not limited to libraries, quiet romantic restaurants, trains, planes and automobiles and bank lines. Supplementary Discipline: Permanent house arrest in a single room apartment with a rotary phone (no answering machine), a manual typewriter with the one key that doesn't type and a black and white TV with three channels. Your name will be placed on a technology "most wanted" list so if you even THINK about buying an iPhone, it will result in your immediate arrest, and will be punishable by an automatic fine of more money than you make in a year and a minimum of one year in prison.
Next up on 12/7: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 30, Signals.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Day 28, Rule 28
The games: Pittsburgh vs. Chicago and Tampa Bay vs. Islanders.
Why I chose them: Marion Hossa returns to the scene of the crime. Pittsburgh v. Chicago is my early season prediction for the teams who will face off in this year's Stanley Cup final. As for the other - see previous entries.
My favorite play: Jordan Staal lurking around Chicago's bench for no apparent reason at the face off in the third period, with less than 2 minutes to go...until he scored the game-tying goal moments later. The scoreboard may have ended at Chicago 2, Pittsburgh 1 in OT, but that goal was a thing of truly staggering beauty.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 28, Goalkeeper's Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 9.
Definition: Instead of including the goaltender in the individual rules for minor, major, match, misconduct and game misconduct penalties, they've lumped them all together in this rule. If a goalkeeper incurs a minor or major penalty, his penalty will be served by another member of his team. In the case of a match, misconduct or game misconduct penalty, he will be replaced by another member of his team. For misconduct, it has to be a player who was on the ice at the time the offense occurred. Offenses for which a minor penalty is imposed include leaving the crease during an altercation, participating in play over the red line, and playing the puck outside the goalkeeper's restricted area. Infractions for which a goalkeeper may be penalized include: throwing the puck towards the opponents goal, piling snow or other obstacles, using blocking glove to punch an opponent in the head or face, and deliberately falling on the puck inside or outside the crease.
My favorite highlight: 28.6, Leaving the Goal Crease. A minor penalty shall be imposed on a goalkeeper who leaves the immediate vicinity of his crease during an altercation. In addition, he shall be subject to a fine of two hundred dollars ($200) and this incident shall be reported to the Commissioner for such further disciplinary action as may be required. However, should the altercation occur in or near the goalkeeper's crease, the Referee should direct the goalkeeper to a neutral location and not assess a penalty for leaving the immediate vicinity of the goal crease. Equally, if the goalkeeper is legitimately outside the immediate vicinity of the goal crease for the purpose of proceeding to the players' bench to be substituted for an extra attacker, and he subsequently becomes involved in an altercation, the minor penalty for leaving the crease would not be assessed.
The final scores: Chicago 2, Pittsburgh 1 (in OT). Tampa 4, Islanders 0.
Number of offenses by goalkeepers: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: So, let me get this straight. A goalkeeper gets dinged for getting into a fight, shoving match, whatever if he's outside the crease, but if he stays in it, no penalty? Sweet. On the other hand, try getting into a serious fight with a six-foot-six forward inside a space that is all of four feet by six feet. It's like a really small version of Vegas: what happens inside the goaltender's crease stays in the crease. Works for me.
Life: It's probably a good thing we don't have this rule in life. All the offenses in this rule relate to stepping outside the restricted areas where the goaltender is permitted to play. Imagine life if you couldn't step outside your world into another country, or even another neighborhood while everyone else got to do so and their lives moved at lightning speed while yours stayed in the crease. What if you couldn't leave your cube or office all day at work, and everytime you did they garnished your paycheck? We weren't meant to stay inside life's crease. But just like this rule, life tries like hell to keep us there. Want my advice? Cross the red line, get into an altercation outside the crease, play the puck outside the restricted zone. Take the penalty, pay the fine. Live outside your world.
Next up on 12/6: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 29, Supplementary Discipline.
Why I chose them: Marion Hossa returns to the scene of the crime. Pittsburgh v. Chicago is my early season prediction for the teams who will face off in this year's Stanley Cup final. As for the other - see previous entries.
My favorite play: Jordan Staal lurking around Chicago's bench for no apparent reason at the face off in the third period, with less than 2 minutes to go...until he scored the game-tying goal moments later. The scoreboard may have ended at Chicago 2, Pittsburgh 1 in OT, but that goal was a thing of truly staggering beauty.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 28, Goalkeeper's Penalties.
Number of sections in the rule: 9.
Definition: Instead of including the goaltender in the individual rules for minor, major, match, misconduct and game misconduct penalties, they've lumped them all together in this rule. If a goalkeeper incurs a minor or major penalty, his penalty will be served by another member of his team. In the case of a match, misconduct or game misconduct penalty, he will be replaced by another member of his team. For misconduct, it has to be a player who was on the ice at the time the offense occurred. Offenses for which a minor penalty is imposed include leaving the crease during an altercation, participating in play over the red line, and playing the puck outside the goalkeeper's restricted area. Infractions for which a goalkeeper may be penalized include: throwing the puck towards the opponents goal, piling snow or other obstacles, using blocking glove to punch an opponent in the head or face, and deliberately falling on the puck inside or outside the crease.
My favorite highlight: 28.6, Leaving the Goal Crease. A minor penalty shall be imposed on a goalkeeper who leaves the immediate vicinity of his crease during an altercation. In addition, he shall be subject to a fine of two hundred dollars ($200) and this incident shall be reported to the Commissioner for such further disciplinary action as may be required. However, should the altercation occur in or near the goalkeeper's crease, the Referee should direct the goalkeeper to a neutral location and not assess a penalty for leaving the immediate vicinity of the goal crease. Equally, if the goalkeeper is legitimately outside the immediate vicinity of the goal crease for the purpose of proceeding to the players' bench to be substituted for an extra attacker, and he subsequently becomes involved in an altercation, the minor penalty for leaving the crease would not be assessed.
The final scores: Chicago 2, Pittsburgh 1 (in OT). Tampa 4, Islanders 0.
Number of offenses by goalkeepers: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: So, let me get this straight. A goalkeeper gets dinged for getting into a fight, shoving match, whatever if he's outside the crease, but if he stays in it, no penalty? Sweet. On the other hand, try getting into a serious fight with a six-foot-six forward inside a space that is all of four feet by six feet. It's like a really small version of Vegas: what happens inside the goaltender's crease stays in the crease. Works for me.
Life: It's probably a good thing we don't have this rule in life. All the offenses in this rule relate to stepping outside the restricted areas where the goaltender is permitted to play. Imagine life if you couldn't step outside your world into another country, or even another neighborhood while everyone else got to do so and their lives moved at lightning speed while yours stayed in the crease. What if you couldn't leave your cube or office all day at work, and everytime you did they garnished your paycheck? We weren't meant to stay inside life's crease. But just like this rule, life tries like hell to keep us there. Want my advice? Cross the red line, get into an altercation outside the crease, play the puck outside the restricted zone. Take the penalty, pay the fine. Live outside your world.
Next up on 12/6: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 29, Supplementary Discipline.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Day 27, Rule 27
The game: Tampa Bay vs. New Jersey.
Why I chose it: It's Friday, it's French-Canadian captain facing off against French-Canadian goalie. I need to do little else but watch, consume little orange-chocolate snacks and refill my wine glass.
Response to recent comments: I don't watch the scoreboard during Tampa games, silly. It distracts from my ability to reluquer the honkin' tall French captain.
My favorite new hockey expression: One of the broadcasters noting that a player "dropped the mitts" for a fight.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 27, Delayed Penalty.
Number of sections in the rule: 3.
Definition: Oh, so this isn't what happens when a penalty is called after it happens? Yes, that's what I thought. Wait until you find out what I thought icing was. Here's how it really works: 27.1, Delayed Penalty. If a third player of any team shall be penalized while two players of the same team are serving penalties, the penalty time of the third player shall not commence until the penalty time of one of the two players already penalized has elapsed. Nevertheless, the third penalized player must at once proceed to the penalty bench. He may be substituted for on the ice so as to keep the on-ice strength at no less than three skaters for his team.
My favorite highlight: 27.2, Penalty Expiration. When any team shall have three players penalized at the same time and because of the delayed penalty rule, a substitute for the third offender is on the ice, none of the three penalized players on the penalty bench may return to the ice until play has stopped. When play has been stopped, the player whose full penalty has expired may return to the ice.
The final score: Tampa Bay 1, New Jersey 0 (at 17:00 in the second period).
Number of delayed penalties: Two that I know of - missed part of the replay due to sleeping in and Center Ice not broadcasting replays later in the day for the benefit of late risers.
The morals of the story:
The game: Hey look, an example of fairness in hockey...unless you're the third penalty dude. Then it sucks to be you. If you're the team's designated ding-dong for today and you pull the third penalty, you bookend it with extra bench time. I get it. It's so you can relearn how to count, thus ensuring that you won't do it again.
Life: I would love to apply this rule to one of my ex-boyfriends in New York, who turned out to have been dating his ex-girlfriend in the last weeks of our relationship, a fact about which I was informed in a breakup email. In my rule, he would get assigned to the penalty bench while I tell her the truth and she packs up to leave him. If the penalty expires and he's still on the penalty bench and she still hasn't split, he has to sit there until she does. If she's one of those "stand by her man" even though he cheated on me and will do it again idiots, then I hope he likes the view from the box.
Next up on 12/5: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 28, Goalkeeper's Penalties.
Why I chose it: It's Friday, it's French-Canadian captain facing off against French-Canadian goalie. I need to do little else but watch, consume little orange-chocolate snacks and refill my wine glass.
Response to recent comments: I don't watch the scoreboard during Tampa games, silly. It distracts from my ability to reluquer the honkin' tall French captain.
My favorite new hockey expression: One of the broadcasters noting that a player "dropped the mitts" for a fight.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 27, Delayed Penalty.
Number of sections in the rule: 3.
Definition: Oh, so this isn't what happens when a penalty is called after it happens? Yes, that's what I thought. Wait until you find out what I thought icing was. Here's how it really works: 27.1, Delayed Penalty. If a third player of any team shall be penalized while two players of the same team are serving penalties, the penalty time of the third player shall not commence until the penalty time of one of the two players already penalized has elapsed. Nevertheless, the third penalized player must at once proceed to the penalty bench. He may be substituted for on the ice so as to keep the on-ice strength at no less than three skaters for his team.
My favorite highlight: 27.2, Penalty Expiration. When any team shall have three players penalized at the same time and because of the delayed penalty rule, a substitute for the third offender is on the ice, none of the three penalized players on the penalty bench may return to the ice until play has stopped. When play has been stopped, the player whose full penalty has expired may return to the ice.
The final score: Tampa Bay 1, New Jersey 0 (at 17:00 in the second period).
Number of delayed penalties: Two that I know of - missed part of the replay due to sleeping in and Center Ice not broadcasting replays later in the day for the benefit of late risers.
The morals of the story:
The game: Hey look, an example of fairness in hockey...unless you're the third penalty dude. Then it sucks to be you. If you're the team's designated ding-dong for today and you pull the third penalty, you bookend it with extra bench time. I get it. It's so you can relearn how to count, thus ensuring that you won't do it again.
Life: I would love to apply this rule to one of my ex-boyfriends in New York, who turned out to have been dating his ex-girlfriend in the last weeks of our relationship, a fact about which I was informed in a breakup email. In my rule, he would get assigned to the penalty bench while I tell her the truth and she packs up to leave him. If the penalty expires and he's still on the penalty bench and she still hasn't split, he has to sit there until she does. If she's one of those "stand by her man" even though he cheated on me and will do it again idiots, then I hope he likes the view from the box.
Next up on 12/5: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 28, Goalkeeper's Penalties.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Day 26, Rule 26
The game: Tampa Bay vs. Boston.
Why I chose it: Duh. Honkin' tall French captain and even taller and equally easy on the eyes D-man Zdeno Chara in one game. It's picnic time for grown up teddy bears.
My peeve: In the wake of suspensions, injuries and fines, players are busting the cliches again. The latest is "we just have to play our game." What, exactly, is your game? Is it scoring goals and avoiding penalties? Or perhaps racking up penalties in pursuit of keeping the other guys from scoring? Do tell. Because if it's what's going on out there right now (check out Florida Panthers' d-man Keith Ballard slashing his own goalie in the ear in an act of anger), I'd suggest playing someone else's game.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 26, Awarded Goals.
Number of sections in the rule: 4.
Definition: This is really just an extension of Rule 25. Awarded Goals are those that are awarded to teams who have an infraction committed against them while taking a penalty shot. 26.1 Awarded Goal states that "a goal will be awarded to the attacking team when the opposing team has taken their goalkeeper off the ice and an attacking player has possession and control of the puck in the neutral zone or attacking zone, without a defending player between himself and the opposing goal and he is prevented from scoring as a result of an infraction committed by the defending team. Infractions that result in an awarded goal being awarded when the goalkeeper has been removed for an extra attacker include: delaying the game, handling the puck, illegal substitution, interference, throwing stick and leaving the players or penalty bench.
My favorite highlight: 26.4, Infractions - During the Course of a Penalty Shot. A goal will be awarded when a goalkeeper attempts to stop a penalty shot by throwing his stick or any other object at the player taking the shot or by deliberately dislodging the goal.
The final score: Boston 4, Tampa Bay 1.
Number of goals awarded for infractions: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: Most of the infractions for which goals are awarded are obvious, especially the one about throwing objects at the player or dislodging the goal. It's like robbing a bank without a gun or a ski mask. Get it over with and just turn yourself in already. Better yet, don't do it at all.
Life: If only life were as fair as this rule. If you cheat in an obvious way to prevent a goal, the team taking a shot gets it anyway to punish you for being a twit. I'm sure we'd all like to get a few awarded goals for the people who interfered with our attempt to score a goal. Here's my short list:
Infraction: My parents moving in my senior year of high school, just as I finally found a competitive sport I was good at and started dating one of the star players on the basketball team in the makings of a cool summer romance. Awarded goal: free trip in a top-secret NASA time machine to stop my father's employer from transferring him.
Infraction: One of my friends inviting the boy I liked to the prom, the same day she knew I was going to ask him. Awarded goal: Either instantaneous empowerment with telekinesis a la Brian De Palma's horror classic "Carrie" so I could extract my revenge at said event OR guaranteed date of my choosing from the water polo team that he played on, who would have made ample substitutes.
Infraction: Dating a rocket scientist for a whole summer when I was 30 and actually thinking he might actually like me until he announced that he wanted a serious relationship with someone but not me and went back to living with his ex-girlfriend. Awarded goal: Already happened. The next summer I ran into him in Union Square and he was totally bald, bored at his job and unhappy in the relationship. What goes around comes around and sometimes it comes around the corner at lunch, carrying a Duane Reade bag full of Rogaine and Advil.
Next up on 12/4: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 27, Delayed Penalties.
Why I chose it: Duh. Honkin' tall French captain and even taller and equally easy on the eyes D-man Zdeno Chara in one game. It's picnic time for grown up teddy bears.
My peeve: In the wake of suspensions, injuries and fines, players are busting the cliches again. The latest is "we just have to play our game." What, exactly, is your game? Is it scoring goals and avoiding penalties? Or perhaps racking up penalties in pursuit of keeping the other guys from scoring? Do tell. Because if it's what's going on out there right now (check out Florida Panthers' d-man Keith Ballard slashing his own goalie in the ear in an act of anger), I'd suggest playing someone else's game.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 26, Awarded Goals.
Number of sections in the rule: 4.
Definition: This is really just an extension of Rule 25. Awarded Goals are those that are awarded to teams who have an infraction committed against them while taking a penalty shot. 26.1 Awarded Goal states that "a goal will be awarded to the attacking team when the opposing team has taken their goalkeeper off the ice and an attacking player has possession and control of the puck in the neutral zone or attacking zone, without a defending player between himself and the opposing goal and he is prevented from scoring as a result of an infraction committed by the defending team. Infractions that result in an awarded goal being awarded when the goalkeeper has been removed for an extra attacker include: delaying the game, handling the puck, illegal substitution, interference, throwing stick and leaving the players or penalty bench.
My favorite highlight: 26.4, Infractions - During the Course of a Penalty Shot. A goal will be awarded when a goalkeeper attempts to stop a penalty shot by throwing his stick or any other object at the player taking the shot or by deliberately dislodging the goal.
The final score: Boston 4, Tampa Bay 1.
Number of goals awarded for infractions: 0.
The morals of the story:
The game: Most of the infractions for which goals are awarded are obvious, especially the one about throwing objects at the player or dislodging the goal. It's like robbing a bank without a gun or a ski mask. Get it over with and just turn yourself in already. Better yet, don't do it at all.
Life: If only life were as fair as this rule. If you cheat in an obvious way to prevent a goal, the team taking a shot gets it anyway to punish you for being a twit. I'm sure we'd all like to get a few awarded goals for the people who interfered with our attempt to score a goal. Here's my short list:
Infraction: My parents moving in my senior year of high school, just as I finally found a competitive sport I was good at and started dating one of the star players on the basketball team in the makings of a cool summer romance. Awarded goal: free trip in a top-secret NASA time machine to stop my father's employer from transferring him.
Infraction: One of my friends inviting the boy I liked to the prom, the same day she knew I was going to ask him. Awarded goal: Either instantaneous empowerment with telekinesis a la Brian De Palma's horror classic "Carrie" so I could extract my revenge at said event OR guaranteed date of my choosing from the water polo team that he played on, who would have made ample substitutes.
Infraction: Dating a rocket scientist for a whole summer when I was 30 and actually thinking he might actually like me until he announced that he wanted a serious relationship with someone but not me and went back to living with his ex-girlfriend. Awarded goal: Already happened. The next summer I ran into him in Union Square and he was totally bald, bored at his job and unhappy in the relationship. What goes around comes around and sometimes it comes around the corner at lunch, carrying a Duane Reade bag full of Rogaine and Advil.
Next up on 12/4: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 27, Delayed Penalties.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Day 25, Rule 25
The game: Columbus vs. Chicago.
Why I chose it: Tampa Bay's not playing tonight, so I need a different tall, French-speaking player to reluquer. The subsitute: Cristobal Huet. Height: Six feet. Place of birth: Saint-Martin d'Heres, France. Vive la France, especially if they have a save percentage of .911.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 25, Penalty Shot.
Number of sections in the rule: 8 sections and 3 1/2 pages.
The quirk: Rule 24 is not in use. Gross misconduct penalties have been reclassified as game misconduct penalties (23.7).
Definition: This rule defines a penalty shot and covers procedure, designated player, violations during the shot, face off locations, results, timing and infractions. A penalty shot is designed to restore a scoring opportunity which was lost as the result of a foul being comitted by the offending team, based on the parameters set out in these rules. The foul/infraction has to be committed in the neutral zone or attacking zone and must have happened from behind.
Check this out from violations (25.4): Should the goalkeeper leave his crease prior to the player taking the penalty shot has touched the puck and in the event of violation of this rule or any foul committed by a goalkeeper, the Referee shall allow the shot to be taken and if the shot fails, he shall permit the penalty shot to be taken over again. When an infraction worthy of a minor penalty is committed by the goalkeeper during the penalty shot that causes the shot to fail, no penalty is to be assessed but the Referee shall permit the shot to be taken over again. Should a goalkeeper commit a second violation during the penalty shot and the shot fails, he shall be assessed a misconduct penalty and the Referee shall permit the penalty shot to be taken over again. A third such violation shall result in the goalkeeper being assessed a game misconduct penalty.
So... no cheating for the goalkeepers, then?
My favorite highlight: 25.2, Procedure. The puck must be kept in motion towards the opponent's goal line and once it is shot, the play shall be considered complete. No goals may be scored on rebounds and any time the puck crosses the goal line or comes to a complete stop, the shot is considered complete. The lacross-like move in whereby the puck is picked up on the blade of the stick and "whipped" into the net shall be permitted provided the puck is not raised above the height of the shoulders at any time and when released, is not carried higher than the crossbar. The spin-o-rama move where the player completes a 360 degree turn as he approaches the goal shall be permitted as this involves continuous motion. No, I didn't make up spin-o-rama. It's in the book.
The final score: Chicago 4, Columbus 3 (in a record-breaking 11-round shootout)
The morals of the story:
The game: Another example of how much harsher the rules are for goaltenders compared to players. Netminders so much as come out of the crease and they are toast. But players can bust a show-off move stolen from figure skating and named for a theme park ride? If players can spin around in a complete circle, shouldn't goalies at least be able to do that thing where dogs walk around in a circle three times before they go to sleep? Oh right, this is hockey. What was I thinking?
Life: Penalty shots restore the balance to an unfair play, and if players try to disrupt the attempt at fairness, they're penalized. Life doesn't let you take a penalty shot if somebody gets in your way. We need to take our cue from the NHL rulebook and lobby legislators for a new law that would award the life equivalent of a penalty shot for the offenses that people commit in order to interrupt others' scoring opportunities. Here are just a few examples:
Offense: cutting someone off in traffic so you can hurry up and get through the green light and cut three other people off en route to the freeway, where you will sit for an hour drinking lukewarm overpriced coffee and being distracted by little electronic devices and wishing you were somewhere else, the same as everyone else. Penalty shot: Switches built into cars so the people who got cut off can automatically engage the offender's emergency brake and keep it locked until at least a mile's worth of traffic has passed him or her.
Offense: increasingly encroaching on people's personal space (also known as "the bubble") so you can get a better spot to stand on the train platform, luggage carousel at the airport or anywhere else you need a tactical space advantage. Penalty shot: All handbags and computer bags will be installed with air bags that inflate instantly when someone gets inside the bubble, thereby knocking them unconscious and preventing others from trying to take their spot.
Offense: Taking credit for another person's work and giving them a bad job review in order to keep them down and promote yourself. Penalty shot: Individual against whom the offense was committed shall be able to hire a private investigator at the company's expense to investigate every dirty little thing the offender ever did (including present crime) and present it in a PowerPoint to company executives, followed by public demotion and/or firing of offender while their underlings feast on Krispy Kreme donuts and plan how they're going to redecorate the offender's office when they move into it.
Next up on 12/2: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 26, Awarded Goals.
Why I chose it: Tampa Bay's not playing tonight, so I need a different tall, French-speaking player to reluquer. The subsitute: Cristobal Huet. Height: Six feet. Place of birth: Saint-Martin d'Heres, France. Vive la France, especially if they have a save percentage of .911.
The rule: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 25, Penalty Shot.
Number of sections in the rule: 8 sections and 3 1/2 pages.
The quirk: Rule 24 is not in use. Gross misconduct penalties have been reclassified as game misconduct penalties (23.7).
Definition: This rule defines a penalty shot and covers procedure, designated player, violations during the shot, face off locations, results, timing and infractions. A penalty shot is designed to restore a scoring opportunity which was lost as the result of a foul being comitted by the offending team, based on the parameters set out in these rules. The foul/infraction has to be committed in the neutral zone or attacking zone and must have happened from behind.
Check this out from violations (25.4): Should the goalkeeper leave his crease prior to the player taking the penalty shot has touched the puck and in the event of violation of this rule or any foul committed by a goalkeeper, the Referee shall allow the shot to be taken and if the shot fails, he shall permit the penalty shot to be taken over again. When an infraction worthy of a minor penalty is committed by the goalkeeper during the penalty shot that causes the shot to fail, no penalty is to be assessed but the Referee shall permit the shot to be taken over again. Should a goalkeeper commit a second violation during the penalty shot and the shot fails, he shall be assessed a misconduct penalty and the Referee shall permit the penalty shot to be taken over again. A third such violation shall result in the goalkeeper being assessed a game misconduct penalty.
So... no cheating for the goalkeepers, then?
My favorite highlight: 25.2, Procedure. The puck must be kept in motion towards the opponent's goal line and once it is shot, the play shall be considered complete. No goals may be scored on rebounds and any time the puck crosses the goal line or comes to a complete stop, the shot is considered complete. The lacross-like move in whereby the puck is picked up on the blade of the stick and "whipped" into the net shall be permitted provided the puck is not raised above the height of the shoulders at any time and when released, is not carried higher than the crossbar. The spin-o-rama move where the player completes a 360 degree turn as he approaches the goal shall be permitted as this involves continuous motion. No, I didn't make up spin-o-rama. It's in the book.
The final score: Chicago 4, Columbus 3 (in a record-breaking 11-round shootout)
The morals of the story:
The game: Another example of how much harsher the rules are for goaltenders compared to players. Netminders so much as come out of the crease and they are toast. But players can bust a show-off move stolen from figure skating and named for a theme park ride? If players can spin around in a complete circle, shouldn't goalies at least be able to do that thing where dogs walk around in a circle three times before they go to sleep? Oh right, this is hockey. What was I thinking?
Life: Penalty shots restore the balance to an unfair play, and if players try to disrupt the attempt at fairness, they're penalized. Life doesn't let you take a penalty shot if somebody gets in your way. We need to take our cue from the NHL rulebook and lobby legislators for a new law that would award the life equivalent of a penalty shot for the offenses that people commit in order to interrupt others' scoring opportunities. Here are just a few examples:
Offense: cutting someone off in traffic so you can hurry up and get through the green light and cut three other people off en route to the freeway, where you will sit for an hour drinking lukewarm overpriced coffee and being distracted by little electronic devices and wishing you were somewhere else, the same as everyone else. Penalty shot: Switches built into cars so the people who got cut off can automatically engage the offender's emergency brake and keep it locked until at least a mile's worth of traffic has passed him or her.
Offense: increasingly encroaching on people's personal space (also known as "the bubble") so you can get a better spot to stand on the train platform, luggage carousel at the airport or anywhere else you need a tactical space advantage. Penalty shot: All handbags and computer bags will be installed with air bags that inflate instantly when someone gets inside the bubble, thereby knocking them unconscious and preventing others from trying to take their spot.
Offense: Taking credit for another person's work and giving them a bad job review in order to keep them down and promote yourself. Penalty shot: Individual against whom the offense was committed shall be able to hire a private investigator at the company's expense to investigate every dirty little thing the offender ever did (including present crime) and present it in a PowerPoint to company executives, followed by public demotion and/or firing of offender while their underlings feast on Krispy Kreme donuts and plan how they're going to redecorate the offender's office when they move into it.
Next up on 12/2: Section 4, Types of Penalties. Rule 26, Awarded Goals.
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