The distraction: Trying to figure out why playoff heroes like Jaroslav Halak and Antti Niemi are either getting traded or in salary arbitration. Yes, little armchair experts, I KNOW why, but that doesn't mean I like it.
And this is how I know I REALLY need the regular hockey season to start like, right now: I've been occupying my free time playing Six Degrees of Separation to see how hockey players' lives are related to mine. So far, I've only come up with two: I have the same birthday as Wayne Gretzky and Sidney Crosby's dog is named Samantha. And Sidney Crosby has long been touted as the "next Wayne Gretzky." Let me just say this... if you happen to play on a beer league in Portland that's by chance playing this summer, do let me know. Because clearly going without live hockey for longer than 30 days just isn't good for some people.
What goes best with watching Nino play for the Islanders?: A cupcake of course. NHL.com reports that Nassau Coliseum has officially inked a deal that will add cupcakes to their menu. Beer + cupcakes + hockey + Nino = heaven.
Distraction, Part 2: Twitter. To Tweet or not to Tweet, that is the question. Mind, I had to consult the handbook to figure out how to use the space bar on my cell phone for text messages, and I don't even know how to use the camera feature except for the one time I accidentally pushed the wrong button, so don't look for me on Twitville anytime soon. Back to topic...
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 557, Falling on the Puck by a Player. Rule 558, Falling on the Puck by a Goalkeeper.
557.a: If a player, other than the goalkeeper, deliberately falls on, holds or gathers the puck into his body, he shall be assessed a minor penalty. And forget it if you're trying to defend the zone. If a defensive player does this when the puck is in the goal crease of his team, the non-offending team gets a penalty shot. If the opposing goalie has been removed and a player does this in the goal crease of his team, the Referee awards a goal to the non-offending team.
Ok, now I'm officially confused: These come with color-coded specifications about where the goalkeeper can be on the ice when he is (or isn't) allowed to purposefully fall on the puck. Either let him hold the puck or don't. It's not complicated. How are hockey players supposed to mean it when they bust out the "we just gotta keep it simple" cliche when rules like this are running amok?
1) Goalkeeper is allowed to hold the puck only when the goalkeeper's body remains at least partially in the goal crease. This looks to be the equivalent of the trapezoid behind the goal in NHL rinks, which of course don't exist on international ice.
2) Goalkeeper is allowed to hold the puck only when he is pressured. This area is between the goal line and just past the hash marks in the face off circle.
3) Goalkeeper is not allowed to hold the puck. Everywhere else not listed above.
Morals of the story:
The game: This is the puck-protecting version of diving. Don't do it, don't try it, don't think about doing it or trying it. Period. End of rule. There is a better way than this, and surely a less obvious one.
Life: Let's face it. Falling on the puck in life is equally lame. We all know what the right thing is, but nobody ever said the right way was the easy way. We've all done it, but that doesn't make it ok. Good thing life doesn't penalize us for the life equivalent of falling on the puck, but maybe it should. For example,
-- Dinging a car in the parking lot but not enough so the owner would think it was anything more than a door ding, so you don't leave a note and figure no harm no foul. The penalty: All new cars built after 2010 come with small video cameras built into the windshield. If someon tailgates you, dings you, bumps you from behind, sideswipes you, whatever, you can record it and turn it into the proper authorities for immediate compensatory action.
-- Stealing other people's breakfast sandwiches in Starbucks without checking to see if hey, it might actually be for someone who was in line ahead of you and has been waiting longer, and walking away like you didn't do anything wrong. Yes, this happened to me. No I wasn't the one who stole it. In this case the penalty was assessed in the form of the dingdong opening his sandwich and finding he had overpaid for a sandwich he didn't order. And I still got mine all the same. Ok, sometimes life does punish us for falling on the puck. But still, don't steal the sandwich, stupid.
-- Cheating on your taxes because you came out behind the financial 8-ball this year, an offense for which we all pay, because, guess what, the states and the Feds come up short on many occasions too. Only in their case, they just charge all of us more. Penalty: Full scale audit by the IRS and your state of every dollar you've ever earned since you got a social security number, including babysitting money, tips from waiting tables in college and the "consulting fees" you charge to clients for telling them how to cheat on their own taxes, complete with late fees, assessments and interest that will equal about 10 times what you "saved" by cheating.
Next up on 7/16: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 559, Handling the Puck with Hands by a Player. Rule 560, Handling the Puck with Hands by a Goalkeeper.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
For the Record: Please Don't Pet My Nino Bobblehead.
The distraction: Keeping track of all the Portland Winterhawks who have been drafted or signed by the NHL. And counting the days until the home opener on October 2nd. Which is officially 80, if you must know. And, it's Nino bobblehead night for season ticket holders.
Yay for him, boo for us: The irony of bobblehead night is that Nino may still be with the Islanders when the Winterhawks' season opens. Good for him, major bummer alert for us. On the other hand, how cool will it be to see he and Ryan on NHL ice for the first time, geared up for their first major league games?
Speaking of which: I really must start a spreadsheet. Here's where we are so far:
2010 NHL Draft:
4 - Ryan Johansen to Columbus Blue Jackets
5 - Nino Niederreiter to New York Islanders
43 - Brad Ross to Toronto Maple Leafs
78 - Taylor Aronson to Nashville Predators
137 - Troy Rutkowski to Colorado Avalanche
139 - Luke Walker to Colorado Avalanche
191 - Mac Carruth to Chicago Blackhawks
208 - Riley Boychuk to Buffalo Sabres
2009 NHL Draft:
Brett Ponich to St. Louis Blues - signed this past spring
Spencer Bennett to Calgary Flames
Other Signings of note:
Stefan Schneider signed with Vancouver Canucks this spring
Chris Francis signed with AHL's Springfield Falcons, the affiliate of the Columbus Blue Jackets
En route to training camps:
Tayler Jordan to Vancouver Canucks. Tayler, by the way, played most of last season on a line with Stefan and Riley.
Oliver Gabriel to Columbus Blue Jackets. Yes, that's three Hawks in the Blue Jackets' system.
Taylor Peters to Pittsburgh Penguins.
There goes the salary cap neighborhood: The Kovalchuk talks with LA. Question: How much salary cap will the Kings have to unload to afford him? Not even Sidney Crosby does the "Give me $100 million or else" crap. Because he was obviously raised properly, first of all. And of course he makes more money from Reebok than he probably does from the Penguins. But still, nobody is worth that much salary, especially if they get injured. Which brings me to my second point...nobody is invincible. One hit to the head, one knee-on-knee collision and today's superstar can become tomorrow's deadweight. And finally, if they agree to the deal, it sets a dangerous precedent for future salary demands. There. End of rant. Now I feel better. Back to topic...
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 556, Broken Stick.
To refresh on something I forgot last time: Rule 555, Illegal or Dangeous Equipment. 555.b. The Referee can request that a player or goalkeeper remove any personal accessories shall, at the discretion of the Referee, the personal accessories worn during the game be regarded as dangerous for the player and other participants.
If the accessories are difficult to remove, then the player has to tape them or put them under the jersey so as to render them no longer dangerous. So, no wearing your Stanley Cup ring for the purpose of throwing a way meaner and more injurious punch, even with tape? Can you see a player doing this and trying to convince the Ref he can't get it off because it's just too big and shiny? Well, now that I think about it, a player like Kovalchuk just might do this.
Ok, now on with the rule: 556, Broken Stick. Ever wonder why players just leave a stick on the ice and play continues? This rule explains it. A "broken stick" is one which, in the opinion of the Referee, is unfit for normal play. A player without a stick may participate in the game. 556.a: If a player whose stick is broken does not immediately drop the broken portions and continues to play, he shall be assessed a minor penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: Ok, I get the rule itself. Simple enough. But why would you continue to play with a broken stick anyway? And why not allow a player to proceed to the bench for a new one instead of dropping it and putting other players at risk for injury? Perhaps because it means they could swap out a legal stick for an illegal one, after breaking it on purpose? Inquiring hockey minds want to know. Sure I could Google it, but where's the fun in that?
Life: How cool would it be if we could just drop the broken portions of our lives and continue playing the game of life without penalty? For example:
-- For driving offenses, instead of getting ticketed or appearing in court, you could just pull your car over, get out, put a few quarters in a machine and that night, just like the street sweepers, a truck comes along and tows your car off to be recycled and you get to buy a new one, complete with an unblemished record and a new driver's license.
-- Instead of a lifetime of guilt about letting the one who got away get away, we could get one chance to do it over. And either you get it right or you find out you realize you were right to leave.
-- All those national reforms for banks could require that they build a special tool into online banking accounts that lets you delete the debit that put you into overdraft mode, and record a deposit now that you won't make until Friday to restore your account balance.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 557, Falling on the Puck by a Player. Rule 558, Falling on the Puck by a Goalkeeper.
Yay for him, boo for us: The irony of bobblehead night is that Nino may still be with the Islanders when the Winterhawks' season opens. Good for him, major bummer alert for us. On the other hand, how cool will it be to see he and Ryan on NHL ice for the first time, geared up for their first major league games?
Speaking of which: I really must start a spreadsheet. Here's where we are so far:
2010 NHL Draft:
4 - Ryan Johansen to Columbus Blue Jackets
5 - Nino Niederreiter to New York Islanders
43 - Brad Ross to Toronto Maple Leafs
78 - Taylor Aronson to Nashville Predators
137 - Troy Rutkowski to Colorado Avalanche
139 - Luke Walker to Colorado Avalanche
191 - Mac Carruth to Chicago Blackhawks
208 - Riley Boychuk to Buffalo Sabres
2009 NHL Draft:
Brett Ponich to St. Louis Blues - signed this past spring
Spencer Bennett to Calgary Flames
Other Signings of note:
Stefan Schneider signed with Vancouver Canucks this spring
Chris Francis signed with AHL's Springfield Falcons, the affiliate of the Columbus Blue Jackets
En route to training camps:
Tayler Jordan to Vancouver Canucks. Tayler, by the way, played most of last season on a line with Stefan and Riley.
Oliver Gabriel to Columbus Blue Jackets. Yes, that's three Hawks in the Blue Jackets' system.
Taylor Peters to Pittsburgh Penguins.
There goes the salary cap neighborhood: The Kovalchuk talks with LA. Question: How much salary cap will the Kings have to unload to afford him? Not even Sidney Crosby does the "Give me $100 million or else" crap. Because he was obviously raised properly, first of all. And of course he makes more money from Reebok than he probably does from the Penguins. But still, nobody is worth that much salary, especially if they get injured. Which brings me to my second point...nobody is invincible. One hit to the head, one knee-on-knee collision and today's superstar can become tomorrow's deadweight. And finally, if they agree to the deal, it sets a dangerous precedent for future salary demands. There. End of rant. Now I feel better. Back to topic...
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 556, Broken Stick.
To refresh on something I forgot last time: Rule 555, Illegal or Dangeous Equipment. 555.b. The Referee can request that a player or goalkeeper remove any personal accessories shall, at the discretion of the Referee, the personal accessories worn during the game be regarded as dangerous for the player and other participants.
If the accessories are difficult to remove, then the player has to tape them or put them under the jersey so as to render them no longer dangerous. So, no wearing your Stanley Cup ring for the purpose of throwing a way meaner and more injurious punch, even with tape? Can you see a player doing this and trying to convince the Ref he can't get it off because it's just too big and shiny? Well, now that I think about it, a player like Kovalchuk just might do this.
Ok, now on with the rule: 556, Broken Stick. Ever wonder why players just leave a stick on the ice and play continues? This rule explains it. A "broken stick" is one which, in the opinion of the Referee, is unfit for normal play. A player without a stick may participate in the game. 556.a: If a player whose stick is broken does not immediately drop the broken portions and continues to play, he shall be assessed a minor penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: Ok, I get the rule itself. Simple enough. But why would you continue to play with a broken stick anyway? And why not allow a player to proceed to the bench for a new one instead of dropping it and putting other players at risk for injury? Perhaps because it means they could swap out a legal stick for an illegal one, after breaking it on purpose? Inquiring hockey minds want to know. Sure I could Google it, but where's the fun in that?
Life: How cool would it be if we could just drop the broken portions of our lives and continue playing the game of life without penalty? For example:
-- For driving offenses, instead of getting ticketed or appearing in court, you could just pull your car over, get out, put a few quarters in a machine and that night, just like the street sweepers, a truck comes along and tows your car off to be recycled and you get to buy a new one, complete with an unblemished record and a new driver's license.
-- Instead of a lifetime of guilt about letting the one who got away get away, we could get one chance to do it over. And either you get it right or you find out you realize you were right to leave.
-- All those national reforms for banks could require that they build a special tool into online banking accounts that lets you delete the debit that put you into overdraft mode, and record a deposit now that you won't make until Friday to restore your account balance.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 557, Falling on the Puck by a Player. Rule 558, Falling on the Puck by a Goalkeeper.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Minor Penalty If You Don't Know What Underwear Means.
The distraction: Replay of the San Jose vs. Anaheim playoff series on NHL Network.
Why I chose it: Because it's better than no hockey at all. Because I never saw it the first time. Because it was the game where Jonas Hiller became something like the 10th goalie in NHL history to get a shutout on his first playoff game.
Cliche of the week: Mike Fisher married Carrie Underwood on Saturday. A hockey player marries an actress/model/singer. Is it news? Not if you're a diehard hockey fan and you follow the headlines. I'm convinced somwhere there is a secret NHL Rulebook and it states that all players must marry blonde women with no body fat who have graced the cover of Vogue at least once.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.
555: Any player who wears his equipment or visor in any way that may cause injury to an opponent, or wears any non-approved equipment, shall be ruled off the ice and a warning shall be issued to his team. If a player or goalkeeper does not wear his equipment, except gloves, health protection and goalkeepers leg guards, entirely under his uniform, he shall be assessed a minor penalty. It's also a minor for cutting the palm out of the glove to expose the bare hand, wearing dangerous or illegal skates or equipment and destroying or refusing to surrender for measurement any suspected illegal equipment.
Morals of the story:
The game: I want to see the player who tries to get away with the visor violation. I mean, it's not like you can't see it if the player's got it popped up or poking out in some way so as to stab other players in the head. And boys, how hard it is to keep the equipment under your jersey and pants? I tried a regulation size jersey on in a sports store in Canada, and it came down very nearly around my ankles. Of course, I'm 5'9", but still, that's plenty of room to keep it all under your equipment.
Life: I also want to see this in the professional world. It's the equivalent of telling business professionals not to wear their underwear on the outside of their business suits. Just once I want to see somebody do it. Not just anybody either. I want to see what the resident office prudes have on underneath it all. Because it never matches the outside. Because I want to see the look on everyone else's face. Because let's face it, even if it was just plain old white jockey briefs, corporate America needs a good underwear incident now and again, just to keep everyone from falling asleep at meetings.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 556, Broken Stick.
Why I chose it: Because it's better than no hockey at all. Because I never saw it the first time. Because it was the game where Jonas Hiller became something like the 10th goalie in NHL history to get a shutout on his first playoff game.
Cliche of the week: Mike Fisher married Carrie Underwood on Saturday. A hockey player marries an actress/model/singer. Is it news? Not if you're a diehard hockey fan and you follow the headlines. I'm convinced somwhere there is a secret NHL Rulebook and it states that all players must marry blonde women with no body fat who have graced the cover of Vogue at least once.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.
555: Any player who wears his equipment or visor in any way that may cause injury to an opponent, or wears any non-approved equipment, shall be ruled off the ice and a warning shall be issued to his team. If a player or goalkeeper does not wear his equipment, except gloves, health protection and goalkeepers leg guards, entirely under his uniform, he shall be assessed a minor penalty. It's also a minor for cutting the palm out of the glove to expose the bare hand, wearing dangerous or illegal skates or equipment and destroying or refusing to surrender for measurement any suspected illegal equipment.
Morals of the story:
The game: I want to see the player who tries to get away with the visor violation. I mean, it's not like you can't see it if the player's got it popped up or poking out in some way so as to stab other players in the head. And boys, how hard it is to keep the equipment under your jersey and pants? I tried a regulation size jersey on in a sports store in Canada, and it came down very nearly around my ankles. Of course, I'm 5'9", but still, that's plenty of room to keep it all under your equipment.
Life: I also want to see this in the professional world. It's the equivalent of telling business professionals not to wear their underwear on the outside of their business suits. Just once I want to see somebody do it. Not just anybody either. I want to see what the resident office prudes have on underneath it all. Because it never matches the outside. Because I want to see the look on everyone else's face. Because let's face it, even if it was just plain old white jockey briefs, corporate America needs a good underwear incident now and again, just to keep everyone from falling asleep at meetings.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 556, Broken Stick.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I'm So Hoppy for the Portland Winterhawks I Could Cry.
The distraction: The "gone camping" feature on NHL.com with Portland's own "El Nino" mic'd up.
Why I chose it: Because I was waiting for another "I shoot the puck, the puck go in" vintage soundbite. Alas, the best was "I'm so happy here. The ice is really soft." Although with his very lovely Swiss accent, it sounded like "I'm so hoppy here." Love it. One of the many reasons we love Nino and wish him all the best.
I thought Brett playing golf on draft day was insane: Portland Winterhawk Luke Walker found out he'd been drafted by Colorado via text message in an airport. Welcome to the 21st Century.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554h, Late Line Up.
554h: If a team, after the end of an intermission, does not line up on the ice surface the required number of players to start a period (overtime) the team shall be assessed a bench minor penalty.
First: I need a late line up rule for my life. If I lay in bed until I'm too far past my allotted extra snooze alarm minutes to get ready in time for the bus and therefore end up driving in gridlock, being late for work and spending extra money on parking...a bench minor in the form of decaf coffee, being in line behind the person who buys the last chocolate croissant in Kobos and getting a day old croissant instead shall be applied.
And more importantly:
A word (or two) on the free agent frenzy: If you took all the money, ego, Stanley Cups, the trade deadline, free agency day, no-trade clauses, etc. away, NHL wheeling and dealing really comes down to one thing: what is a player worth? Ten million and three years? 8 million and two years? Three players from another team? $100 million? Two conditional draft picks and $25 million?
We all sit here on our high horses deciding who we think should be traded where, and what they should be paid. But what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if, every two to three years your employer, instead of giving you a small raise and a pat on the back, they put you out to bid to other employers, who would then decide, what, if anything, you were worth? Are you too old to be worth anything at all? Are you too young and inexperienced to consider taking seriously? Do you really have what they want or just what they need? Are you worth the asking price? That's what happens to players when contracts are up, trade deadlines loom and general managers are hunkered down in backrooms of four-star hotels in Toronto.
Before we go judging NHL players at this critical time of year, perhaps we should stop and think, what if the rest of the world decided what we're worth? What would they think? Would it be the same as what we think of ourselves? The painful truth for most of us is no. Either it would be way better than we give ourselves credit for or far worse than we can even imagine. Next time you find yourself growling at the latest trade deal, think about what it must do to a player just past his prime who's already been traded two or three times. Fear can do dangerous things to people, even the NHL's best.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.
Why I chose it: Because I was waiting for another "I shoot the puck, the puck go in" vintage soundbite. Alas, the best was "I'm so happy here. The ice is really soft." Although with his very lovely Swiss accent, it sounded like "I'm so hoppy here." Love it. One of the many reasons we love Nino and wish him all the best.
I thought Brett playing golf on draft day was insane: Portland Winterhawk Luke Walker found out he'd been drafted by Colorado via text message in an airport. Welcome to the 21st Century.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554h, Late Line Up.
554h: If a team, after the end of an intermission, does not line up on the ice surface the required number of players to start a period (overtime) the team shall be assessed a bench minor penalty.
First: I need a late line up rule for my life. If I lay in bed until I'm too far past my allotted extra snooze alarm minutes to get ready in time for the bus and therefore end up driving in gridlock, being late for work and spending extra money on parking...a bench minor in the form of decaf coffee, being in line behind the person who buys the last chocolate croissant in Kobos and getting a day old croissant instead shall be applied.
And more importantly:
A word (or two) on the free agent frenzy: If you took all the money, ego, Stanley Cups, the trade deadline, free agency day, no-trade clauses, etc. away, NHL wheeling and dealing really comes down to one thing: what is a player worth? Ten million and three years? 8 million and two years? Three players from another team? $100 million? Two conditional draft picks and $25 million?
We all sit here on our high horses deciding who we think should be traded where, and what they should be paid. But what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if, every two to three years your employer, instead of giving you a small raise and a pat on the back, they put you out to bid to other employers, who would then decide, what, if anything, you were worth? Are you too old to be worth anything at all? Are you too young and inexperienced to consider taking seriously? Do you really have what they want or just what they need? Are you worth the asking price? That's what happens to players when contracts are up, trade deadlines loom and general managers are hunkered down in backrooms of four-star hotels in Toronto.
Before we go judging NHL players at this critical time of year, perhaps we should stop and think, what if the rest of the world decided what we're worth? What would they think? Would it be the same as what we think of ourselves? The painful truth for most of us is no. Either it would be way better than we give ourselves credit for or far worse than we can even imagine. Next time you find yourself growling at the latest trade deal, think about what it must do to a player just past his prime who's already been traded two or three times. Fear can do dangerous things to people, even the NHL's best.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Summer's Here and the Free Trading's Fine. Unless You're a Chicago Blackhawk.
The distraction: NHL Free agent feeding frenzy.
Best trade: Colby Armstrong to Toronto. He got a raw deal when he was a victim of the Hossa trade that sent him away from Pittsburgh and playing on a line with Sidney Crosby. Plus, Portland's own Brad Ross may be playing alongside Armstrong in a few years. Most excellent all around.
Worst: The unloading of newly crowned Stanley Cup winners Dustin Byfuglien, Andrew Ladd and Chris Versteeg mere weeks after their victory. Yes, little experts, I know it had to be done, but could you at least let them enjoy the moment first?
Good and bad news: NHL.com has a feature about Nino Niederreiter visiting the New York Islanders, which indicates he may join them right away next year. Soooo happy for him if he does, but bummed for Portland Winterhawks fans because it would mean his time here was far too short to really be appreciated.
Yes, it's all about the money: The Kovalchuk "we're in, no we're out" wheeling and dealing. Maybe it's just me because I work for a living, but asking for more than $100 million in salary is always about the money. Get over it.
Holy crap! When did this happen?: San Jose signed Antero Niittymaki to a two-year deal. I really must keep up on current affairs while on vacay.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554e. Injured Player Refusing to Leave the Ice, 554f. More Than One Change After Goal Scored, 554g. Violation of Face-Off Procedures.
Oh, the irony: In a tough guy sports where you are expected to keep playing while bleeding out of your eyeballs, I find it ironic that for refusing to leave the ice while injured it's a minor penalty.
554f: It's a bench minor if the team that scored has more than one change of players on the ice after scoring the goal.
554g: These are also bench minor: a) when a player has been removed from the ice by an official and another player of the same team delays taking his proper position after a "Warning" his team shall be assessed a bench minor. b) when a player not taking the face-off enters the face-off circle before the puck is dropped, the player of his team taking the face-off shall be removed and replaced. For the second violation during the same face-off, the offending team shall be assessed a bench minor.
Morals of the story:
The game: On the other hand, now that I think about it...refusing the leave when ordered is also a way to delay the game and defy the Referee, so perhaps it's not so ironic after all. And I think I finally get another thing that distinguishes bench minors from minors. Bench minors appear to be for penalties that are not physical, like profanity, spitting or defying an order to leave to fix an injury. My life is complete. Sort of. Because I doubt I'll ever memorize all the face-off rules. So I'll just say this. I would not want to be the first class, Grade A twit who moves into the face-off circle before the puck is dropped when Sidney Crosby's taking it and it's tied in the third with 5 seconds to go. Now, mind, he's very lovely in interviews and all, but if you watch him when he's playing, forget about it. Good luck to you. Because all that polite small town boy from the Maritimes nice guy crap goes out the window. Poof, bye-bye, in the wind. As well it should. This is hockey, after all.
Life: I want the face-off rule for those twits in a super-sized SUV, who, when you are at a side street in your little Mini waiting to turn right onto the main street, pull up alongside you for the purpose of turning left, but they pull up just far enough past you that you can no longer see to turn right because their hood is in their way. But I wouldn't give a warning. I'd just require that all cars be built with a special Transformers-like device in which they could turn into a giant vehicle that would pick up said SUV and plunk it down in the bushes, where it will take three large men who might happen to drive by, if you're lucky, to push it out of there.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. 554h, Late Line Up. 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.
Best trade: Colby Armstrong to Toronto. He got a raw deal when he was a victim of the Hossa trade that sent him away from Pittsburgh and playing on a line with Sidney Crosby. Plus, Portland's own Brad Ross may be playing alongside Armstrong in a few years. Most excellent all around.
Worst: The unloading of newly crowned Stanley Cup winners Dustin Byfuglien, Andrew Ladd and Chris Versteeg mere weeks after their victory. Yes, little experts, I know it had to be done, but could you at least let them enjoy the moment first?
Good and bad news: NHL.com has a feature about Nino Niederreiter visiting the New York Islanders, which indicates he may join them right away next year. Soooo happy for him if he does, but bummed for Portland Winterhawks fans because it would mean his time here was far too short to really be appreciated.
Yes, it's all about the money: The Kovalchuk "we're in, no we're out" wheeling and dealing. Maybe it's just me because I work for a living, but asking for more than $100 million in salary is always about the money. Get over it.
Holy crap! When did this happen?: San Jose signed Antero Niittymaki to a two-year deal. I really must keep up on current affairs while on vacay.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554e. Injured Player Refusing to Leave the Ice, 554f. More Than One Change After Goal Scored, 554g. Violation of Face-Off Procedures.
Oh, the irony: In a tough guy sports where you are expected to keep playing while bleeding out of your eyeballs, I find it ironic that for refusing to leave the ice while injured it's a minor penalty.
554f: It's a bench minor if the team that scored has more than one change of players on the ice after scoring the goal.
554g: These are also bench minor: a) when a player has been removed from the ice by an official and another player of the same team delays taking his proper position after a "Warning" his team shall be assessed a bench minor. b) when a player not taking the face-off enters the face-off circle before the puck is dropped, the player of his team taking the face-off shall be removed and replaced. For the second violation during the same face-off, the offending team shall be assessed a bench minor.
Morals of the story:
The game: On the other hand, now that I think about it...refusing the leave when ordered is also a way to delay the game and defy the Referee, so perhaps it's not so ironic after all. And I think I finally get another thing that distinguishes bench minors from minors. Bench minors appear to be for penalties that are not physical, like profanity, spitting or defying an order to leave to fix an injury. My life is complete. Sort of. Because I doubt I'll ever memorize all the face-off rules. So I'll just say this. I would not want to be the first class, Grade A twit who moves into the face-off circle before the puck is dropped when Sidney Crosby's taking it and it's tied in the third with 5 seconds to go. Now, mind, he's very lovely in interviews and all, but if you watch him when he's playing, forget about it. Good luck to you. Because all that polite small town boy from the Maritimes nice guy crap goes out the window. Poof, bye-bye, in the wind. As well it should. This is hockey, after all.
Life: I want the face-off rule for those twits in a super-sized SUV, who, when you are at a side street in your little Mini waiting to turn right onto the main street, pull up alongside you for the purpose of turning left, but they pull up just far enough past you that you can no longer see to turn right because their hood is in their way. But I wouldn't give a warning. I'd just require that all cars be built with a special Transformers-like device in which they could turn into a giant vehicle that would pick up said SUV and plunk it down in the bushes, where it will take three large men who might happen to drive by, if you're lucky, to push it out of there.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. 554h, Late Line Up. 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Reason #2 to Love Canada: They Make Really Good Wine and Chocolate.
And wine and chocolate make a perfectly acceptable meal anytime of day: Like say, sunset on a Monday.
So, refresh me: Why don't I live in Canada? They're polite, they're patriotic on national holidays, they gave the world hockey and they make good wine. All good reasons for me to move there, but I have to come up with a good excuse for immigration, like I would contribute meaningfully to Canadian society and pay taxes and such. Do you think if I buy Canucks season tickets in advance to show my sincerity and my loyalty, it would be enough to convince them? Discuss.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.c, Shooting or Throwing the Puck Outside the Playing Area. 554.d, Adjustment of Equipment.
554.c: A player or goalkeeper who directly shoots, throws or bats the puck with his hand or stick outside the playing area, shall be assessed a minor penalty.
554.d: It's the same as the NHL. If your gear's outta whack, you leave the ice and fix it. The end. It's the same for players and goalkeepers. a. Play shall not be stopped nor the game delayed by reason of repair or adjustments to player's equipment and uniform, and the player requiring such adjustments shall retire from the ice. Infraction of this rule is punished by a minor penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, the first is another one of those "don't touch the puck, don't look at the puck, don't talk to the puck, don't feed the puck snacks" rules. And if you have been playing hockey since birth and are now in the NHL and you still haven't figured out how to get your uniform and equipment crap together, why are you here?
Life: What if there was a law that required that those of us who try to be fashionable -- we really do -- but who alas, are not, retire from life to fix our attempt at dressing ourselves? It would be a great way to get out of work. Or blind dates. Or perhaps that business mixer where you have to suck up to the boss while he waxes rhapsodic about his last fishing trip. But then again, it also means there would have to be some sort of "three strikes you're out" caveat where you are fired or banned from social interaction if you cannot find it in yourself to put together the simplest of all outfits, a color-coordinated sweater set from Ann Taylor, a black skirt and black patent leather heels. Like the game, the moral is the same. Get it together or get out.
Up next: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. 554.e, Injured Player Refusing to Leave the Ice. 554.f, More Than One Change After Goal Scored. 554.g, Violation of Face-Off Procedures.
So, refresh me: Why don't I live in Canada? They're polite, they're patriotic on national holidays, they gave the world hockey and they make good wine. All good reasons for me to move there, but I have to come up with a good excuse for immigration, like I would contribute meaningfully to Canadian society and pay taxes and such. Do you think if I buy Canucks season tickets in advance to show my sincerity and my loyalty, it would be enough to convince them? Discuss.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.c, Shooting or Throwing the Puck Outside the Playing Area. 554.d, Adjustment of Equipment.
554.c: A player or goalkeeper who directly shoots, throws or bats the puck with his hand or stick outside the playing area, shall be assessed a minor penalty.
554.d: It's the same as the NHL. If your gear's outta whack, you leave the ice and fix it. The end. It's the same for players and goalkeepers. a. Play shall not be stopped nor the game delayed by reason of repair or adjustments to player's equipment and uniform, and the player requiring such adjustments shall retire from the ice. Infraction of this rule is punished by a minor penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, the first is another one of those "don't touch the puck, don't look at the puck, don't talk to the puck, don't feed the puck snacks" rules. And if you have been playing hockey since birth and are now in the NHL and you still haven't figured out how to get your uniform and equipment crap together, why are you here?
Life: What if there was a law that required that those of us who try to be fashionable -- we really do -- but who alas, are not, retire from life to fix our attempt at dressing ourselves? It would be a great way to get out of work. Or blind dates. Or perhaps that business mixer where you have to suck up to the boss while he waxes rhapsodic about his last fishing trip. But then again, it also means there would have to be some sort of "three strikes you're out" caveat where you are fired or banned from social interaction if you cannot find it in yourself to put together the simplest of all outfits, a color-coordinated sweater set from Ann Taylor, a black skirt and black patent leather heels. Like the game, the moral is the same. Get it together or get out.
Up next: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. 554.e, Injured Player Refusing to Leave the Ice. 554.f, More Than One Change After Goal Scored. 554.g, Violation of Face-Off Procedures.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Reason #1 to Love Canada: Hockey is Everywhere.
I'm back from my vacay, but where is summer?: I know it's summer somewhere, but here in Portland I am debating which fleece to wear while watching the fireworks. It's just wrong. At this rate, it means summer will show up around these parts about...oh, say...Thanksgiving.
Whilst I was buying tacky hockey souvenirs in Canada: Three more Portland Winterhawks have attracted the attention of NHL teams. Oliver Gabriel (Columbus Blue Jackets), Tayler Jordan (Vancouver Canucks) and Taylor Peters (Pittsburgh Penguins) have all been invited to training camp this fall. And, as for the tacky souvenirs, I'm now the proud owner of a Penguins' coffee mug, a Stanley Cup keychain, a Toronto Maple Leafs holiday stocking and a Vancouver Canucks' t-shirt. But it's all for a good cause. I bought them in support of the Hawks who are en route to the NHL. Well, that, and I just decided that I needed them. I said no to the Montreal Canadiens' piggy bank and winter hat, but only because they took out Pittsburgh and I couldn't purchase said items in good conscience.
Three is the magic number: In his third and final year of draft eligibility, Portland Winterhawk Luke Walker finally hit the NHL Draft jackpot by getting snatched up by the Colorado Avalanche. Third time's a charm for him all around: I counted once and any time Luke goes for two goals and they don't go in, he gets it on the third try. If he does come back for his overage year, check it out. And, with Oliver's training camp stint, that makes three Winterhawks in the Blue Jackets' system: fourth overall pick Ryan Johansen, Oliver and Chris Francis, who just signed with their AHL Affiliate the Springfield Falcons.
Trivial pursuit, part 2: How many Portland Winterhawks were drafted or signed the same year by the same team? Luke Walker (139th) and Troy Rutkowski (137) by the Colorado Avalanche. Stefan Schneider signed with Vancouver in spring 2010 and Tayler Jordan is going to training camp with the Canucks in the fall of 2010.
Mini bummer alert: All of the Winterhawks pre-season games are on the road. We won't have our home opener until Oct. 2. Looks like it's road trips for me, because I'm not sitting around here when there's quality hockey to be had before Labor Day.
On the other hand: The home opener is Nino Niederreiter bobblehead night. Get your own. I'm hiding mine in a closet for safekeeping.
Now, where was I? Oh right: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.b. Displacing the Goal Frame.
a. A player or goalkeeper who deliberately displaces the goal frame from its normal position shall be assessed a minor penalty.
So displacing the goal frame is no Hail Mary pass, then?: b. If it happens in the last two minutes of the game, or at any time during overtime, by a defending player or goalkeeper in his Defending Zone the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty shot.
And if you think the goalkeeper being pulled for an extra attacker makes it ok: Forget it. d. If, when a goalkeeper has been removed from the ice, a player of his team displaces the goal frame from its normal position the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a goal.
Morals of the story:
The game: Easy. Don't displace the goal frame on purpose, ding dongs. Enough said.
Life: This rule should be used to penalize people who cheat in plain sight with stupid shit. Like those guys who switch name plates at a wedding so they can sit next to the hot single chick and get her drunk on free champagne. Or the colleague who presents your death by powerpoint as their own in a meeting where they know you won't or can't speak up. In my world, such penalties will be punished by the following:
If a weak-minded individual who would in another galaxy be an easy target for Jedi mind tricks feels compelled to cheat or take the high road to personal success because they feel too inferior to do it the fair and right way... I shall award to the non-offending individual one week's worth of paid vacation time, a free stay at a four-star hotel to be paid for by the offending player and one complimentary spa treatment to help them forget about said offense.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554c, Shooting or Throwing the Puck Outside the Playing Area. Rule 554d, Adjustment of Equipment.
Whilst I was buying tacky hockey souvenirs in Canada: Three more Portland Winterhawks have attracted the attention of NHL teams. Oliver Gabriel (Columbus Blue Jackets), Tayler Jordan (Vancouver Canucks) and Taylor Peters (Pittsburgh Penguins) have all been invited to training camp this fall. And, as for the tacky souvenirs, I'm now the proud owner of a Penguins' coffee mug, a Stanley Cup keychain, a Toronto Maple Leafs holiday stocking and a Vancouver Canucks' t-shirt. But it's all for a good cause. I bought them in support of the Hawks who are en route to the NHL. Well, that, and I just decided that I needed them. I said no to the Montreal Canadiens' piggy bank and winter hat, but only because they took out Pittsburgh and I couldn't purchase said items in good conscience.
Three is the magic number: In his third and final year of draft eligibility, Portland Winterhawk Luke Walker finally hit the NHL Draft jackpot by getting snatched up by the Colorado Avalanche. Third time's a charm for him all around: I counted once and any time Luke goes for two goals and they don't go in, he gets it on the third try. If he does come back for his overage year, check it out. And, with Oliver's training camp stint, that makes three Winterhawks in the Blue Jackets' system: fourth overall pick Ryan Johansen, Oliver and Chris Francis, who just signed with their AHL Affiliate the Springfield Falcons.
Trivial pursuit, part 2: How many Portland Winterhawks were drafted or signed the same year by the same team? Luke Walker (139th) and Troy Rutkowski (137) by the Colorado Avalanche. Stefan Schneider signed with Vancouver in spring 2010 and Tayler Jordan is going to training camp with the Canucks in the fall of 2010.
Mini bummer alert: All of the Winterhawks pre-season games are on the road. We won't have our home opener until Oct. 2. Looks like it's road trips for me, because I'm not sitting around here when there's quality hockey to be had before Labor Day.
On the other hand: The home opener is Nino Niederreiter bobblehead night. Get your own. I'm hiding mine in a closet for safekeeping.
Now, where was I? Oh right: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.b. Displacing the Goal Frame.
a. A player or goalkeeper who deliberately displaces the goal frame from its normal position shall be assessed a minor penalty.
So displacing the goal frame is no Hail Mary pass, then?: b. If it happens in the last two minutes of the game, or at any time during overtime, by a defending player or goalkeeper in his Defending Zone the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty shot.
And if you think the goalkeeper being pulled for an extra attacker makes it ok: Forget it. d. If, when a goalkeeper has been removed from the ice, a player of his team displaces the goal frame from its normal position the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a goal.
Morals of the story:
The game: Easy. Don't displace the goal frame on purpose, ding dongs. Enough said.
Life: This rule should be used to penalize people who cheat in plain sight with stupid shit. Like those guys who switch name plates at a wedding so they can sit next to the hot single chick and get her drunk on free champagne. Or the colleague who presents your death by powerpoint as their own in a meeting where they know you won't or can't speak up. In my world, such penalties will be punished by the following:
If a weak-minded individual who would in another galaxy be an easy target for Jedi mind tricks feels compelled to cheat or take the high road to personal success because they feel too inferior to do it the fair and right way... I shall award to the non-offending individual one week's worth of paid vacation time, a free stay at a four-star hotel to be paid for by the offending player and one complimentary spa treatment to help them forget about said offense.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554c, Shooting or Throwing the Puck Outside the Playing Area. Rule 554d, Adjustment of Equipment.
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