Sunday, July 11, 2010

Minor Penalty If You Don't Know What Underwear Means.

The distraction: Replay of the San Jose vs. Anaheim playoff series on NHL Network.

Why I chose it: Because it's better than no hockey at all. Because I never saw it the first time. Because it was the game where Jonas Hiller became something like the 10th goalie in NHL history to get a shutout on his first playoff game.

Cliche of the week: Mike Fisher married Carrie Underwood on Saturday. A hockey player marries an actress/model/singer. Is it news? Not if you're a diehard hockey fan and you follow the headlines. I'm convinced somwhere there is a secret NHL Rulebook and it states that all players must marry blonde women with no body fat who have graced the cover of Vogue at least once.

The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 555, Illegal or Dangerous Equipment.

555: Any player who wears his equipment or visor in any way that may cause injury to an opponent, or wears any non-approved equipment, shall be ruled off the ice and a warning shall be issued to his team. If a player or goalkeeper does not wear his equipment, except gloves, health protection and goalkeepers leg guards, entirely under his uniform, he shall be assessed a minor penalty. It's also a minor for cutting the palm out of the glove to expose the bare hand, wearing dangerous or illegal skates or equipment and destroying or refusing to surrender for measurement any suspected illegal equipment.

Morals of the story:

The game: I want to see the player who tries to get away with the visor violation. I mean, it's not like you can't see it if the player's got it popped up or poking out in some way so as to stab other players in the head. And boys, how hard it is to keep the equipment under your jersey and pants? I tried a regulation size jersey on in a sports store in Canada, and it came down very nearly around my ankles. Of course, I'm 5'9", but still, that's plenty of room to keep it all under your equipment.

Life: I also want to see this in the professional world. It's the equivalent of telling business professionals not to wear their underwear on the outside of their business suits. Just once I want to see somebody do it. Not just anybody either. I want to see what the resident office prudes have on underneath it all. Because it never matches the outside. Because I want to see the look on everyone else's face. Because let's face it, even if it was just plain old white jockey briefs, corporate America needs a good underwear incident now and again, just to keep everyone from falling asleep at meetings.

Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 556, Broken Stick.

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