Saturday, July 31, 2010

Happy Birthday, Ryan Johansen!

Proof that I will make up ANY excuse to think about, write about or watch hockey: Check it out: Today is Ryan Johansen's 18th birthday. On the other side of the world, it's also Evgeni Malkin's 24th birthday. So, as of today, I'm 24 years older than Ryan and 18 years older than Geno Malkin.

But sadly, that means that at last I am old enough -- more than old enough - to be the mother of 18 and 24 year olds. But under no circumstances will you ever hear me use either of the following expressions: "When I was your age" or "You kids today."

And if I do: I will have to move to a cave until I can embrace middle age gracefully and understand that there is one unmitigated super-cool thing about turning 40 or more. Well, ok 2 unmitigated super-cool things. One: At 40, there's really nothing you can't handle and all fear of life kinda goes just go "bring it on life, what else ya' got for me?" Two: Your ass falls off and takes on the consistency of Playdoh, so at last, you can live life and eat the cupcake, drink the extra glass of wine, eat the cheeseburger and leave the botox and butt crunches to the 20-somethings.

And for those not in the know: Ryan is a center for the Portland Winterhawks and he was the number 4 overall pick in the 2010 NHL Entry Draft, going to the Columbus Blue Jackets.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 572, Captain and Alternate Captain Complaint. Rule 573, Too Many Players on the Ice.

572: If the Captain or an Alternate Captain comes to complain about a penalty, whether he was on the ice or he comes from the player's bench, he shall be assessed a misconduct penalty.

573.a: If, at any time during play a team has more than the number of players on the ice to which they are entitled, the team shall be assessed a bench minor penalty.

Don't even think about this: 573.b: If, in the last two minutes of the game and at any time in overtime a deliberate illegal substitution (too many players on the ice) is made, the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty shot.

Morals of the story:

The game: This gives new meaning to "we gotta keep it simple." When it comes to numbers, hockey is a simple game. Six players go out at the start; a few sit on the penalty bench for a few minutes here and there; one guy comes off the ice, another from the bench goes on. Simple. Why then, would you make a deliberate substitution? Because you think the referees can't count to seven? Were I a coach, I wouldn't make such assumptions in the WHL, where referees -- like say my favorite cutie pie Matt Kirk -- have law degrees and can, in fact, count way higher than 7.

Life: Holy crap! It's the hockey version of cutting in front of someone in line at a Starbucks, cutting someone off in traffic so you can get to the stop sign first and cheating on your taxes by leaving out a zero and in its place is a salary of $40,000 instead of $400,000. Why don't we have this rule? For the above offenses, a minor or bench minor penalty shall be assessed as follows:

-- For cutting ahead in line by taking advantage of just a little too much personal space ahead of you....the clerks, recognizing that said crime has transpired, will use decaf, full-fat and whip in your venti no-whip fat free latte.

-- For said traffic offense, all cars will be built with a special button that allows other drivers to change all the subsequent lights so not only do you sit at one red light ahead of them, you sit at all red lights, thereby making you so crazy you abandon all hope of getting anywhere and pull over, get out of your car and walk.

-- For tax offenses, automatic garnishing of all future salaries equal to the difference between your actual salary and what you claimed on the tax form.

Next up on 8/1: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 575, Infringement of Change of Players Procedure. Rule 576, Diving.

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