Monday, July 26, 2010

How to Earn a Degree in Stupid: Throw a Stick on a Breakaway.

The distraction: Replay of Vancouver vs. LA Kings, Game 1, Stanley Cup quarterfinal.

Yes, it's a repeat, and I know how it It's hockey in the off-season. Be glad the NHL Network has the balls to keep programming on the air 365 days a year. Besides, what am I supposed to do, watch baseball? On the other hand, I do need help falling asleep at night, so perhaps I should cut on over to the MLB Channel.

The Rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 570, Throwing a Stick or Any Object on a Breakaway Situation.

570.a: When a player in control of the puck outside his own defending zone, and having no opponent to pass other than the other goalkeeper, and any member of the opposing team, including team officials, throws or shoots a stick, any part of it, or any object or who directs (with any part of the body) a stick or any part of it, or any object in the direction of the puck or puck carrier, the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty.

Morals of the story:

The game: If it were possible to major in stupid in higher academia, this would be a required course. Trying to interfere with a player on a breakaway is so obvious it's like trying to rob a bank without a ski mask and stopping first to pose for the surveillance cameras.

Life: Oh please. How many times have we been on breakaways in life and someone or something gets in the way? Do we get a penalty shot or a goal? No, but we should. For example:

-- For would-be spouses who leave the fiance at the altar, punishment will be as follows, no exception: Government agents will come to your house in the middle of the night and kidnap the other man or woman and place them in a homewrecker witness protection program never to be seen again, while you try unsuccessfully to crawl back to the fiance who by now has gone on your honeymoon with friends and who has cleaned out that joint checking account you started thinking you'd use it to buy that cute little starter house.

-- For scam artists like Madoff or others who steal the life savings of people and non-profit organizations, right when they were needing it the most to retire or pursue other endeavors: Forget jail and lawsuits and all that crap. Just take the little sociopaths to the Nevada desert, and leave them there with a double wide, one bottle of water, an application for the minimum wage job pumping gas down the highway about three miles, no car and a month's worth of food stamps. No need to spend upwards of $30,000 a year of our tax money feeding and housing the little buggers.

Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 571, Prevention of Infections by Blood.

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