The NHL Draft Hits Keep Coming...From Portland.

The big day, Rounds 2 - 7: The NHL 2010 Entry Draft.

Maybe I should think about that second career as a psychic: Even though it meant they wouldn't go to the actual team I wanted, I had pegged Ryan Johansen for 4 or 5, and Nino to follow, maybe 6 or 7. Am I good or what? Of course no one will believe me now that it's after the fact. But I promise, it's a true story.

And the hits keep coming: Portland Winterhawk penalty minute leader Brad Ross just got snagged at 43rd by the Toronto Maple Leafs. There is, at last, hope for the Leafs.

But I guess they're not hooked on phonics: Or interested in getting the news right. When KOIN mentioned Nino and Ryan last night, they pronounced Nino's name as NiederrITer. Dudes, Google. Wikipedia. The proper pronunciation is out there.

Trivial pursuit: Ryan and Nino going 4 and 5 is the first time in franchise history the Portland Winterhawks have two picks in the top 5 of the same draft. Oh, and don't forget Nino was the highest drafted Swiss player ever.

So I lost a bet: Taylor Aronson didn't get picked in the 35 to 50 range. But Brad did, so at least I had the team right. I still have hope...just wait...Taylor's moment is coming.

And indeed it just did: He went 78th to the Nashville Predators. Nicely done. Two down, two to go: Still pending are Troy Rutkowski and Mac Carruth.

And don't forget: Already drafted or signed are Spencer Bennett (Calgary), Brett Ponich (St. Louis), and Stefan Schneider (Vancouver). May I suggest you non-Portlanders schedule a trip out here while you can. Because come this season, it's off the NHL with most of our lineup.

Ok, so he didn't get drafted as high as predicted, but still: It's not where you're drafted, it's what you do afterwards that counts. And I have no doubt that defenseman Troy Rutkowski, who was taken 137th by Colorado, will make it count. Speaking of Colorado, my prediction for a sleeper hit is now a reality...

Proof that the path of most resistance is the best way to reach your desired destination: Two spots behind Troy, Portland Winterhawk Luke Walker was taken 139th by the same team. That's right, there are, as of today, two Winterhawks drafted by the same team. Plus, Luke's story is Cinderella with a capital C. He was never taken in the Bantam Draft, but found his way to the Winterhawks. He scrapped his way onto the US World Junior team in the wake of a devastating face injury and barely saw ice time but still won a gold medal with the team. He was never drafted by the NHL when he became eligible two years ago. But he re-entered the draft and here he is. It's like the NHL Stanley Cup ad campaign: there are no words. In this case, Luke's story tells itself.

Lucky number 7: Mac Carruth, whose star came out to shine during Portland's first playoff run in four years, just got picked 191st by Chicago. That's right, not only did we snag four and five in the first round, our goalie just got picked by the current Stanley Cup champions. So what's his middle name?: Mac's full given name is Macmillian. Love it. That wins hands down for best and most distinguished sounding name in the WHL.

Talk about 11th hour: Portland Winterhawk Riley Boychuk was just drafted 208th by Buffalo. There were 210 draft picks selected this year, in seven rounds. Riley had been eligible in 2009, but had not played much that season due to surgery and so had been overlooked. He rebounded and re-entered this year's draft. Good things come to those who wait.

I hope the Winterhawks chose well in this year's Bantam Draft: Because between this draft and the signing of Stefan, Brett and Spencer's drafting by Calgary, the NHL has officially eviscerated our lineup.

Moral of the story: At the beginning of the 2009 -2010 season, Portland had finished somewhere near dead last in the prior WHL season, had not seen the playoffs since the last ice age and were on the verge of being sold out of Portland. Enter new owner Bill Gallacher, coaches Mike Johnston and Travis Green, and a little thing called the Euro draft, with a not-so-little player named Nino. And so began the dawn of our own Cinderella season, which ended with the NHL drafting of eight Winterhawks over the course of two days.

There's no official word on this as yet, so don't quote me, but I'm guessing that the eight Portland Winterhawks drafted this weekend have set some new franchise record for most players taken in a single draft.

This draft puts the cherry and extra sprinkles on top of the sundae, and we couldn't be more excited or proud of our team and our town. But it also means that this team, the storybook team, will not be seen on our ice again. I was proud to say I was there, and that I met a few of them along the way. For those of you who weren't, you missed out. Two words: season tickets. If you buy them now, you get a Nino bobblehead. No, you can't have mine. I'm keeping it under lock and key.

Like I said, the path of most resistance is the best and most rewarding way to reach your destination. For this year's draft picks, that future started when they forsaked their homes, scholarships to big colleges, friends, family, and everything else to come to Portland and be spotted by NHL scouts. For those who chose to come here they took an even bigger risk than most. Imagine Ryan, who gave up a scholarship to Northeastern, and ditto for Mac who had a sweet deal with Minnesota. Or Nino, who crossed an ocean and two continents to come here. All to play for a team that until this season was pretty much a laughing stock. They gambled on us, and now the NHL has gambled on them. We already know what the NHL will soon learn. I believe the business world calls it return on investment. My prediction? The Winterhawks drafted today are what I call a blue-chip stock with a guaranteed return on investment. Trust me. I know what I'm talking about.

Next up: This blog will go on a short hiatus while I enjoy high tea, spa treatments and wine tasting in the very lovely city of Victoria, BC. In the meantime, may I suggest you Google the above players and get to know them. Because their frequency is about to get very loud.

I Think It's Safe to Say the Portland Winterhawks' Turnaround is Complete.

The distraction: The 2010 NHL Entry Draft.

YOU. GO. BOYS: I don't know diddly about numbers, but I can count to five. The fourth overall pick was Portland Winterhawk Ryan Johansen, who will go to the Columbus Blue Jackets. The fifth was Hawks winger Nino Niederreiter, who is bound for the New York Islanders. It also makes Nino, as expected, the highest drafted Swiss player in the history of the NHL. It also means the the Blue Jackets now have two Winterhawks in their system: 2010 Winterhawk MVP Chris Francis just signed a contract with the Springfield Falcons, the Blue Jackets' AHL Affiliate.

Flame on: The NHL.com blog noted that Ryan's selection sent many a mock draft crashing in flames. That's what you get for picking the obvious choices, little experts. Live and learn.

And I certainly don't need to count to 14: When he was interviewed by the Oregonian on the eve of the draft, Nino declared that if he went higher than 14th, he'd be the happiest guy on earth. I think the only question now is what color Fiat does he want?

When in doubt, take the chance: In Feburary, on a whim, I went to the Booster Club pizza thingy, figuring I'd sit quietly in the back and maybe meet a few of the players casually. Ryan was one of them. Now, I also never win contests, prizes, raffles, etc. Ever. Not even the scratch-it lottery cards. Zip. But on this night, I almost picked one set of tickets, and in an instant said "no. This one looks better." No clue why I suddenly changed my mind, but I did. The winning number belonged to Ryan. He was so eager to meet a fan, he said "ask me anything." And he gushed the same as the rest of us about Nino. So I asked him anything: Why do hockey players love golf? It's outdoors and it's a way to get away and not think about hockey. Why would you ice the puck? Scoring opportunity. Does Troy drive Nino around in a Town Car, since Nino can't drive yet? No. Nino's getting his license tomorrow. I think I might have horrified him, though, when I regaled him with my tale of being at a Rangers game where it got heated between two guys and one of them pulled a knife. It all ended with New York's finest hauling them outta there, but note to self: don't tell teenage boys from little towns in Canada about your big city adventures. And I forgot my camera, so I really have no proof except Ryan's autograph. But still, from a split second came the chance of a lifetime.

And it's even more exciting when you think about this: A year ago, Ryan risked everything by giving up a lucrative college scholarship to Northeastern to come to our city with only a promise from Mike Johnston and no proof that it would pay off. And Nino took an even bigger chance: when he came here last fall, he didn't speak English, he couldn't drive and he hadn't finished high school.

Like I said: The biggest risk is not taking one at all. Sometimes the hardest choice you'll make in life turns out to be the right one. And the choice you make in an instant can change your life. Or at least score the autograph of the fourth round draft pick in the NHL 2010 Entry Draft.

And it's a little sad: As elated as Portland is, Ryan and Nino's high draft picks mean they go right into the NHL this fall. So, the shooting star that is the Ross-Johansen-Niederreiter line may indeed have been fleeting. But it was beautiful while it lasted. And as happy as I am for them, I do hope the NHL doesn't need them right away. Because these past 8 months weren't nearly long enough to enjoy it. We're not quite done enjoying the pleasure of their company, if you don't mind.

Go ahead, laugh: I will treasure my Nino bobblehead. You can laugh all you want to. It's value just tripled. Get your own, 'cause mine's not for sale. Not ever.
But wait, there's more: On tap tomorrow, four more Winterhawks are in the running for rounds 2 - 7. Possibly more, since word is scouts are also interested in Riley Boychuk and Taylor Peters. Get ready Portland, there's more to come.

Special shout out to the Aronsons: I am proud to say that among the readers of this blog are Portland Winterhawk Taylor Aronson's family. It is my pleasure and my honor to keep all y'all entertained. I have already laid down money with friends that Taylor will go higher than expected. I'm personally in for somewhere between 35 to 50. If I lose, I don't care. And if I win, the beer's on me the next time you blow through town.

Next up: Results of the NHL Draft, rounds 2 - 7.

But The Winners May Be...Closer Than You Think.

The distraction: The 2010 NHL Entry Draft, Los Angeles, CA.

Why: Six Portland Winterhawks are in the running, and at least two (Ryan Johansen and Nino Niederreiter) are expected to be taken high in the first round. Four more will easily hear their names called in the second or third rounds, if predictions are right. And according to an article in today's Oregonian, two more may join them.

How excited is Portland?: So excited that loyal fans who can escape from work tomorrow will convene downtown for a party to watch the future of the NHL unfold live on Versus.

But I might be even more excited about this: Among the free goodies that season ticket holders receive this year is a Nino bobblehead. Yes, I love bobbleheads. No, I don't have any shame about it. And since it's Nino, it will be worth more one day than that Fiat he has his eye on. So there. Laugh all you want to. I don't care. I'll be too busy watching the UPS truck for my special delivery.

Weather report: The temperature's rising all around. Here in Portland, at long last, we are celebrating the start of summer with 80 degree weather and cool breezes. The barbecues are fired up and the beer is chilling. And tonight I'll go to sleep, and wake up pretty much the same person with the same job. But somewhere in Los Angeles, a gaggle of teenage boys will go to sleep as junior hockey players from a small city and wake up as NHL athletes. No matter where they land, or where they are drafted...in 24 hours their whole world, and their whole future, will be different.

So to those about to rock, we salute you. And look for updates this weekend with the final Portland Winterhawk-related draft results.

And the Winners Are...Never Who You Think They Will Be.

The distraction: The NHL Awards.

Best upset of the night: Henrik Sedin beating the media's favorite archrivals Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin to win the Hart Trophy.

I was in for Duchene, but this was my second choice: Tyler Myers won the Calder. A 6'8" defenseman from the heart of BC wine country takes it. Way to go. I was all in for Matt Duchene, because I like the way he just quietly went about the business of getting it done for Colorado, including my favorite move of the season...a shootout goal that put them in the playoffs. But Myers is doing the same for Buffalo, so I'm good to go with this one. Mini-bummer alert for him, though: He's not yet 21, so no partying for him in Vegas. Well, none that we'll hear about, anyway.

Dude, how did Jordan Staal not win this one?: Pavel Datsyuk took home the Selke. Refresh me, but didn't Staal go back onto the ice about 11 minutes after having foot surgery during the playoffs? Shouldn't that count for something?

But these are my favorites: And they were awarded as they should have been. Turnaround genius Dave Tippett of the Phoenix Coyotes for the coaches award, Sidney Crosby for the Messier Leadership Award and tied for the Richard, and Martin St. Louis for the Lady Byng.

Ok, I was partly right about NHL Prospect Nino Niederreiter being pulled over by the Oregon State Highway Patrol for speeding in a zippy little sports car: NHL.com has a "five questions" feature with the top prospects, and he said his dream car is "A Fiat Punto Evo -- The little one. I love this car." Note to self: If you see a very large teenager driving around Portland in a very small car, distract the nearest police officer so said teenager can get away without a ticket. Of course that would ruin the fun of watching Nino explain himself to the officer ("I step on gas. Car go very fast."). And mind, Nino only learned to drive this past February. But still, I must do my bit for youth hockey in Portland.

And if you think all the kooky superstitious, pre-game rituals you hear about Sidney Crosby are funny: Well, ok, I think they're funny. In a good, charming sort of you're a genius-so-it's-ok-if-you're-a-little-nutty way. Anyway...check this out. Prospect Danny Biega claims to always tape his sticks at the exact same time on game day. In his defense, he also says he's not quite sure why he does this. Neither am I, but it makes a good story.

Now, on with the rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.a. Keeping the Puck in Motion.

554.a: The puck shall be in motion at all times. A team in possession of the puck in its own defending zone shall advance the puck towards the opposing goal except:
1) To carry the puck behind the goal once.
2) If it is prevented from doing so by players of the opposing team.
3) If the team is short-handed.

If you do pass the puck backward, and you are not short-handed, the Ref gives a warning to the Captain the first time, and it's a minor penalty the second time.

Morals of the story:

The game: So, if you score into your own net, not only are you an asshole, you get a minor penalty? Plus, your own Captain has to come kick your ass? Discuss.

And P.S. No dawdling, little hockey players. Time's a wastin'.

Life: We should be penalized in life for not keeping the puck in motion. How may of us go forth at 18, 22, whatever and declare we are going to save the world, live our dreams, not sell out, not give in, give up or give out. And ten years later, the dreams have lost their grandeur coming true, if they happened at all, we sold out and the "just until" day job is our job. Somewhere along the way we stop keeping the puck in motion and we go backwards into the defending zone, where it's easy and it's safe. But what if somebody or something followed us, and the minute we strayed off course, we were penalized for giving up, giving out or giving in? Would we stay on course? Would we give up so easily?

Not keeping the puck in motion is easier than you think when you're 18 and you think you know everything. And little compromises don't seem that bad until they add up to one big one. Here's the deal: The next time you find yourself delaying the game of life, put the puck back in motion. The biggest risk is not taking one at all. I took one. I started this blog. I don't make any money from it, and I have to keep my day job to keep doing this, but I did it. And if you read this entry or any part of this blog after finding me on Google or elsewhere -- and you liked it -- then the chance I took was worth it. If I can, anyone can. And I hope you keep reading, no matter where you are.

Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.b. Displacing the Goal Frame.

The World Cup Goes Diving for Ratings and I Go Channel Surfing.

I said it once, I'll say it again: I'm watching the World Cup with everyone else in the free market economy and I have this to say. Again. Soccer players are a bunch of little diving, embellishing weenies who need to suck it up. Emphasis on little and weenies. And suck it up.

It's only hours now: The NHL Awards are tomorrow night. And then it's only days until the draft. I have now gone exactly 11 days without live hockey or something like it. And that will be quite enough of that.

It's hard to believe that in less than a week, six Portland Winterhawks will be in the NHL: Not counting those already drafted, including Spencer Bennett and Captain Brett Ponich. I haven't been this excited about the draft since, well, ever. And, yes I'm going to the Portland Winterhawks' draft party on June 25 to watch Ryan Johansen and Nino and whomever else get nabbed in the first round. There's beer, other fans, chicken wings and maybe a free bobblehead. What's not to like?

But you really want to know how cool the Winterhawks are?: Check out the feature on NHL.com of Nino Niederreiter's one-handed breakaway goal at the CHL prospects game.

But I still don't understand this: The Halak trade to St. Louis. On the other hand, I'm happy because Portland Winterhawk Brett Ponich was drafted by the Blues last year, and may soon be in the defending zone alongside Halak. So I'm cool with it in the end. But still, if anyone figures out what Montreal was thinking, do let me know.

Since I am forced to watch tiny little weenie-head soccer players running amok on ESPN, I skipped ahead to the diving rule in the IIHF for some hockey perspective on this illicit activity. And here's what it says:

The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 576, Diving. Any player who, at the discretion of the Referee, flagrantly imitates a fall, a reaction, or feigns an injury in an attempt to draw a penalty by his action, shall be assessed a minor penalty. So, basically being a pussy in Europe is ok too. But if you are thinking this particular turd will float in the NHL, you can try it and it's still a minor, but big brother is watching. If you are found guilty of diving upon video review, you get a warning letter and then a suspension pending a phone conversation with the Director of Hockey Operations.

Morals of the story:

The game: FIFA should get its crap together with a diving rule, which if I was in charge would include a video review that the entire stadium and everyone on ESPN can watch, and then FIFA should allow fans to vote whether it was indeed a total fake out with some sort of text message thingy. Guaranteed if the players have to watch themselves 100 feet high in front of the world, and fans are going to call them on their crap, it's a good bet you'll see a whole lot less diving in soccer.

Life: I'm not sure why people dive and embellish in life. It's hard enough. There's no need to make it more dramatic and serious than it is by turning into a bridezilla or being a hypochondriac and such. I wonder, if we had a diving penalty in life, would life's little drama queens carry on like they do? Diving, really, is about attention and what somebody didn't get when they were younger. The biggest punishment of all for life's divers and embellishers?... Ignore them. But if that doesn't work, we can always try this:

-- The action: You call in sick to work because your head is just splitting, when it fact it's just been 16 hours since you had a decent caffeinated beverage. The penalty: two vacation days get taken off your paid time off bank for every one that you fake an illness or injury.

-- The action: Causing a scene in a restaurant because the chef didn't cook your steak just exactly the way you like, medium rare on the inside, well done on the outside. The penalty: Two days' duty at the food bank, handing out food to people who are lucky someone didn't want their year-old baked beans from last year's Fourth of July cookout.

Next up on 6/23: The outcome of the NHL Awards, and Rule 554.a. Keeping the Puck in Motion.

To Market the NHL Goes to Find Its Future.

This is why I want to be a guy again in the next life: Sephora stopped carrying my favorite hair care product, and the company that makes it has discontinuted it anyway. I think there's a beauty product Big Brother out there somewhere that waits until I really like a product and I've bought it at least three times, and then they discontinue it just to piss me off. Ditto for the guy in New Seasons who was in line ahead of me, and took the last of the yummy potato salad that I like.

That's it, I give up: I'm not coming out until it's time for the NHL Draft on Friday.

Speaking of which: Beginning this Friday, the NHL will spend two days wheeling and dealing to choose the next wave of their future. Riding it will be six Portland Winterhawks: Ryan Johansen, Nino Niderreiter, Brad Ross, Troy Rutkowski, Taylor Aronson and Mac Carruth. And don't be surprised if you see Luke Walker in there too. I don't know diddly about numbers and rankings and what not, so I'm going with my heart on this one. Here are my predictions, which because they are based on no factual information whatsoever, will never happen. But just in case:

Ryan: Vancouver Canucks. Backup: LA Kings. Genius playmaker running amok in the closest major city to his hometown. Works for me.
Nino: Chicago Blackhawks. They already have one Winterhawk, why not two?
Brad: Easy. Philadelphia Flyers. Again, they have one Winterhawk, I say go for two. Plus, Brad leads the Hawks in penalty minutes.
Troy: Pittsburgh Penguins. He's used to chaffeuring Portland's own superstar Nino around town, so I think he can handle the team that houses Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby.
Taylor: Anaheim Ducks. Dude, he grew up practically down the street from the Honda Center. How awesome would it be to return to his hometown as the conquering hero?
Mac: Dallas Stars. Again, two Winterhawks on one team works for me: Captain Brenden Morrow played for Portland.

And it's only four more days until the NHL Awards: I'm all in for Matt Duchene on the Calder and Sidney Crosby for whatever he's nominated for. Which is like, what...everything?

The Rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 551, Abuse of Officials and Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Team Officials.

This is basically the same as it is for players, with a few finer points: 551.d. If a team official 1) Holds or strikes an official. 2) Makes a travesty of or is detrimental to the conducting of the game. 3) Makes an obscene gesture to any official or any person. 4) Spits at a game official. He shall be assessed a match penalty.

Might want to make yourself scarce for this one: 551.e. If an identified team official throws a stick or any other object on the ice, it's a game misconduct for him and a bench minor for the team. But if the team official is unidentified, there is only a bench minor for the team.

Morals of the story:

The game: So, if you're a team official and you don't fess up to the crime, your team goes down with a penalty and you don't. Yeah, I'm sure it sits well with 20-something players with a game on the line that their aging, balding coach or assistant throws something down and then lets the Ref think it was "unidentified." It's one thing if you're a player and you don't own up, but if you're the boss...please. You do this, and your team will never respect you again. Ever.

Life: Perhaps if corporate America had a punishment for Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Company Officials, Wall Street wouldn't have melted down, BP wouldn't have flooded the ocean for the next three decades and Toyota's gas pedals wouldn't stick. Too much of life inside sky-high corner offices is allowed to go unpunished, and when it is, it just opens the gate for the competition to steal the market share. But what if we applied a game misconduct directly to the person or people responsible the minute we knew it was happening, instead of saying "oh it's just a bench minor since we couldn't figure out who did it?" And to be truly effective, the punishment would have to be rendered for all to see so no one did it again. Such as:

-- For Toyota's debacle, game misconduct for the CEOs and whoever helped them cover it up in the form of being blacklisted from ever buying another car again, and a free one-month bus pass to get them used to the concept of traveling in something other than a vehicle of their own.

-- For pharma companies or others who back bogus research like the vaccine-autism faux research pas...being forced to participate as a guinea pig in one of their fake trials, which should scare them enough to come clean that it's crap inside of about two weeks, tops.

Next up on 6/22: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 554.a. Keeping the Puck in Motion. 554.b. Displacing the Goal Frame.

Reason #101 to Love Hockey: The Players Are Men and Not Wussies.

So I'm watching the FIFA World Cup to fill the void until the next hockey news tidbit surfaces, and here's what I think: Man up, wussies. Soccer players are a bunch of little divers! Now mind, they are totally hot, but still...here's the deal:

I've never been to Slovenia, but I am automatically rooting for them because Anze and Gasper Kopitar come from there, and that's enough reason for me. But their national soccer team needs to get it together. One of the players went down because a US player dinged him in the eye. Now, the eye wasn't bleeding, it didn't fall out or swell shut. He just got hit. And he started writhing around like it was a major deal, in apparent agony. Dude, there's an NHL player who lost one of his testicles because he got clocked by a puck going nearly 100 miles an hour. Hockey players get cut in the eye all the time and they get stitched up, get jacked on painkillers, and go right back to scoring in the next period. And the Slovenian player's like "ow, my eye." Please. Unless these little soccer players man up in a hurry, I'll have to find another off-season hobby.

WOOHOO! Alert/NHL here we come: I thought I was excited about the NHL Draft, but this, I must say, is even more thrilling. Portland Winterhawk Chris Francis has signed an AHL contract with the Springfield Falcons, the affiliate of the Columbus Blue Jackets. Note to self: Add to monthly cable bill by signing up for online video access to the AHL. Soooooooo totally excited about this one. For those of you in Columbus, I sincerely hope Chris gets called up for NHL duty. You're in for a real treat. Personally, I'm all in for Chris making it to the NHL. It might be a winding and perhaps longer road, but he'll get there. He stayed in Portland through some nasty years, and he ended on high note by winning the Winterhawks' MVP award this year, and finally making it to the playoffs. I have every confidence this story will have a happy ending. Plus, to refresh, he also grew up in a desert where there was exactly one hockey rink to be found. I have to like him...it's a moral imperative. There is no one more deserving of success as a professional hockey player than Chris. You go, boy.

Well, you won't see this in the NHL Rulebook: Section 5, Penalties. Fouls Against Players. Rule 541, Women Body-Checking.

Rule 541: In women's ice hockey, if a player makes a direct body-check, she shall be assessed, at the discretion of the Referee, a minor penalty or major + automatic game misconduct penalty. The rule is a lot like a girlfight - straight up, no bullshit.

But you will definitely see this: Rule 550, Abuse of Official and Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Players.

And this you'll see for sure: 550.c. If a player on the ice who uses obscene, profane or abusive language on the ice or anywhere in the rink before, during or after the game except in the vicinity of the bench shall be assessed a misconduct penalty. And why, may you ask, is the "vicinity of the bench" excepted? Ah, yes. Because if it happens on the bench it's only a bench minor. I love "anywhere in the rink." Who cares if you swear at yourself on the way off the ice when you're team's down by 2 at the start of the second period? The IIHF does, apparently.

But this is the best: 550.f. Any player who makes a travesty of or interferes with or is detrimental to the conducting of the game shall be assessed a match penalty. I want to see and hear the Ref who cites said player and out loud, in full earshot of fans, says to the player "that's it, you've made a travesty of us all. Off with you I say!"

Morals of the story:

The game: Refresh me, why exactly would I want to watch a game where there's no swearing, spitting or the players don't incite another into an altercation? And there must be, at a minimum, one travesty per game or I'm simply changing the station. To something like say, "The Hangover," which is on cable yet again. Yes, I was a guy in another life. Why doesn't anyone believe me?

Life: Oh please. If I was penalized for every foul thing that comes out of my mouth, I'd never make it into work in the morning. And if I was further dinged for sticking my foot in my mouth at every possible opportunity, you'd never see another entry in this blog because I'd be on life's penalty bench about oh... let's see now.....every three seconds.

Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Fouls Against Players. Rule 551, Abuse of Official and Unsportsmanlike Conduct by Team Officials.