Proof that I will make up ANY excuse to think about, write about or watch hockey: Check it out: Today is Ryan Johansen's 18th birthday. On the other side of the world, it's also Evgeni Malkin's 24th birthday. So, as of today, I'm 24 years older than Ryan and 18 years older than Geno Malkin.
But sadly, that means that at last I am old enough -- more than old enough - to be the mother of 18 and 24 year olds. But under no circumstances will you ever hear me use either of the following expressions: "When I was your age" or "You kids today."
And if I do: I will have to move to a cave until I can embrace middle age gracefully and understand that there is one unmitigated super-cool thing about turning 40 or more. Well, ok 2 unmitigated super-cool things. One: At 40, there's really nothing you can't handle and all fear of life kinda goes poof...you just go "bring it on life, what else ya' got for me?" Two: Your ass falls off and takes on the consistency of Playdoh, so at last, you can live life and eat the cupcake, drink the extra glass of wine, eat the cheeseburger and leave the botox and butt crunches to the 20-somethings.
And for those not in the know: Ryan is a center for the Portland Winterhawks and he was the number 4 overall pick in the 2010 NHL Entry Draft, going to the Columbus Blue Jackets.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 572, Captain and Alternate Captain Complaint. Rule 573, Too Many Players on the Ice.
572: If the Captain or an Alternate Captain comes to complain about a penalty, whether he was on the ice or he comes from the player's bench, he shall be assessed a misconduct penalty.
573.a: If, at any time during play a team has more than the number of players on the ice to which they are entitled, the team shall be assessed a bench minor penalty.
Don't even think about this: 573.b: If, in the last two minutes of the game and at any time in overtime a deliberate illegal substitution (too many players on the ice) is made, the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty shot.
Morals of the story:
The game: This gives new meaning to "we gotta keep it simple." When it comes to numbers, hockey is a simple game. Six players go out at the start; a few sit on the penalty bench for a few minutes here and there; one guy comes off the ice, another from the bench goes on. Simple. Why then, would you make a deliberate substitution? Because you think the referees can't count to seven? Were I a coach, I wouldn't make such assumptions in the WHL, where referees -- like say my favorite cutie pie Matt Kirk -- have law degrees and can, in fact, count way higher than 7.
Life: Holy crap! It's the hockey version of cutting in front of someone in line at a Starbucks, cutting someone off in traffic so you can get to the stop sign first and cheating on your taxes by leaving out a zero and in its place is a salary of $40,000 instead of $400,000. Why don't we have this rule? For the above offenses, a minor or bench minor penalty shall be assessed as follows:
-- For cutting ahead in line by taking advantage of just a little too much personal space ahead of you....the clerks, recognizing that said crime has transpired, will use decaf, full-fat and whip in your venti no-whip fat free latte.
-- For said traffic offense, all cars will be built with a special button that allows other drivers to change all the subsequent lights so not only do you sit at one red light ahead of them, you sit at all red lights, thereby making you so crazy you abandon all hope of getting anywhere and pull over, get out of your car and walk.
-- For tax offenses, automatic garnishing of all future salaries equal to the difference between your actual salary and what you claimed on the tax form.
Next up on 8/1: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 575, Infringement of Change of Players Procedure. Rule 576, Diving.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Elephants, Rock Stars, and Multimillion Dollar Hockey Player Salaries, Oh My!
The distraction: Great Big Sea at the Oregon Zoo. Elephants, Celtic rock music from Canada and overcooked hot dogs. Oh, and sizzlin' hot bassist Murray Foster. What's not to like?
It's not the regular season, but I can see it from here: The 2011 Winter Classic venue has been unveiled, cutie pie Danish forward Peter Regin has reached a contractual agreement with the Ottawa Senators, and the Portland Winterhawks' pre-season is a little less than 2 months away. Funny how so many of those arbitration thingies are ending in multi-million dollar deals. Also, tall, blonde cutie pies on the loose in Ottawa + Winter Classic in the Stanley Cup Champions' hometown = note to self: request winter vacation at work NOW.
OOOhhhhhh and there's this: The Portland Winterhawks just announced that Sept. 28 marks the first regular season home game against the Vancouver Giants. Originally we were going to have to wait until Oct. 2nd for a home game. What a difference 4 days makes.
But just in case you'd rather wait four days: Oct. 2 is still bobblehead night. And you still can't pet my Nino bobblehead. It's mine, all mine. Get your own.
Now, where was I? Oh yes: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 571, Prevention of Infections by Blood.
EEEEEWWWWW: Doesn't this rule belong in a medical textbook? 571.a: A player bleeding or covered by the blood of any player shall be considered as an injured player and shall leave the ice for treatment and/or cleaning. If he does not comply with this regulation he shall be assessed a minor penalty. Such player shall be permitted to return to the ice provided that 1) The cut is completely closed and sealed with appropriate bandages. 2) Any blood is removed from the player and his equipment and uniform replaced or properly cleaned. If the ice surface or any objects are stained with blood, the Referee shalle ensure that the bloodstains are removed by rink personnel after the first stoppage of play.
Morals of the story:
The game: I would not want to be the "rink personnel" charged with cleaning up the after-effects of a bench-clearing, covering another player with your blood, game misconduct line brawl. Now, I love a good fight and I personally believe that it's not really a game until somebody bleeds or leaves on a stretcher, but I would not want to be in charge of cleaning duties. It's kind of like throwing out garbage: we want to get rid of it but we don't want to smell it, see it or sanction a landfill full of it anywhere near our neighborhood.
Life: How come we don't have to leave the workplace when we become injured or ill? "Presenteeism" is a huge problem in corporate America, whereby either because they don't want to burn through precious vacation time being sick or some boss insists they show up whilst bleeding out their eyeballs, employees show up for work even if they're carrying the viral plague. But what if we had this rule for work? And you couldn't come back until you went home and purged the cooties, injury, personal issue, whatever? Think of all that swine flu panic that could have been prevented. Or all the millions of dollars companies could save if they just respected that human beings are after all human, and they forced people to stay home while unhealthy. It blows the mind, really.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 572, Captain and Alternate Captain Complaint. Rule 573, Too Many Players on the Ice.
It's not the regular season, but I can see it from here: The 2011 Winter Classic venue has been unveiled, cutie pie Danish forward Peter Regin has reached a contractual agreement with the Ottawa Senators, and the Portland Winterhawks' pre-season is a little less than 2 months away. Funny how so many of those arbitration thingies are ending in multi-million dollar deals. Also, tall, blonde cutie pies on the loose in Ottawa + Winter Classic in the Stanley Cup Champions' hometown = note to self: request winter vacation at work NOW.
OOOhhhhhh and there's this: The Portland Winterhawks just announced that Sept. 28 marks the first regular season home game against the Vancouver Giants. Originally we were going to have to wait until Oct. 2nd for a home game. What a difference 4 days makes.
But just in case you'd rather wait four days: Oct. 2 is still bobblehead night. And you still can't pet my Nino bobblehead. It's mine, all mine. Get your own.
Now, where was I? Oh yes: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 571, Prevention of Infections by Blood.
EEEEEWWWWW: Doesn't this rule belong in a medical textbook? 571.a: A player bleeding or covered by the blood of any player shall be considered as an injured player and shall leave the ice for treatment and/or cleaning. If he does not comply with this regulation he shall be assessed a minor penalty. Such player shall be permitted to return to the ice provided that 1) The cut is completely closed and sealed with appropriate bandages. 2) Any blood is removed from the player and his equipment and uniform replaced or properly cleaned. If the ice surface or any objects are stained with blood, the Referee shalle ensure that the bloodstains are removed by rink personnel after the first stoppage of play.
Morals of the story:
The game: I would not want to be the "rink personnel" charged with cleaning up the after-effects of a bench-clearing, covering another player with your blood, game misconduct line brawl. Now, I love a good fight and I personally believe that it's not really a game until somebody bleeds or leaves on a stretcher, but I would not want to be in charge of cleaning duties. It's kind of like throwing out garbage: we want to get rid of it but we don't want to smell it, see it or sanction a landfill full of it anywhere near our neighborhood.
Life: How come we don't have to leave the workplace when we become injured or ill? "Presenteeism" is a huge problem in corporate America, whereby either because they don't want to burn through precious vacation time being sick or some boss insists they show up whilst bleeding out their eyeballs, employees show up for work even if they're carrying the viral plague. But what if we had this rule for work? And you couldn't come back until you went home and purged the cooties, injury, personal issue, whatever? Think of all that swine flu panic that could have been prevented. Or all the millions of dollars companies could save if they just respected that human beings are after all human, and they forced people to stay home while unhealthy. It blows the mind, really.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 572, Captain and Alternate Captain Complaint. Rule 573, Too Many Players on the Ice.
Monday, July 26, 2010
How to Earn a Degree in Stupid: Throw a Stick on a Breakaway.
The distraction: Replay of Vancouver vs. LA Kings, Game 1, Stanley Cup quarterfinal.
Yes, it's a repeat, and I know how it ends...so?: It's hockey in the off-season. Be glad the NHL Network has the balls to keep programming on the air 365 days a year. Besides, what am I supposed to do, watch baseball? On the other hand, I do need help falling asleep at night, so perhaps I should cut on over to the MLB Channel.
The Rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 570, Throwing a Stick or Any Object on a Breakaway Situation.
570.a: When a player in control of the puck outside his own defending zone, and having no opponent to pass other than the other goalkeeper, and any member of the opposing team, including team officials, throws or shoots a stick, any part of it, or any object or who directs (with any part of the body) a stick or any part of it, or any object in the direction of the puck or puck carrier, the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: If it were possible to major in stupid in higher academia, this would be a required course. Trying to interfere with a player on a breakaway is so obvious it's like trying to rob a bank without a ski mask and stopping first to pose for the surveillance cameras.
Life: Oh please. How many times have we been on breakaways in life and someone or something gets in the way? Do we get a penalty shot or a goal? No, but we should. For example:
-- For would-be spouses who leave the fiance at the altar, punishment will be as follows, no exception: Government agents will come to your house in the middle of the night and kidnap the other man or woman and place them in a homewrecker witness protection program never to be seen again, while you try unsuccessfully to crawl back to the fiance who by now has gone on your honeymoon with friends and who has cleaned out that joint checking account you started thinking you'd use it to buy that cute little starter house.
-- For scam artists like Madoff or others who steal the life savings of people and non-profit organizations, right when they were needing it the most to retire or pursue other endeavors: Forget jail and lawsuits and all that crap. Just take the little sociopaths to the Nevada desert, and leave them there with a double wide, one bottle of water, an application for the minimum wage job pumping gas down the highway about three miles, no car and a month's worth of food stamps. No need to spend upwards of $30,000 a year of our tax money feeding and housing the little buggers.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 571, Prevention of Infections by Blood.
Yes, it's a repeat, and I know how it ends...so?: It's hockey in the off-season. Be glad the NHL Network has the balls to keep programming on the air 365 days a year. Besides, what am I supposed to do, watch baseball? On the other hand, I do need help falling asleep at night, so perhaps I should cut on over to the MLB Channel.
The Rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 570, Throwing a Stick or Any Object on a Breakaway Situation.
570.a: When a player in control of the puck outside his own defending zone, and having no opponent to pass other than the other goalkeeper, and any member of the opposing team, including team officials, throws or shoots a stick, any part of it, or any object or who directs (with any part of the body) a stick or any part of it, or any object in the direction of the puck or puck carrier, the Referee shall award to the non-offending team a penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: If it were possible to major in stupid in higher academia, this would be a required course. Trying to interfere with a player on a breakaway is so obvious it's like trying to rob a bank without a ski mask and stopping first to pose for the surveillance cameras.
Life: Oh please. How many times have we been on breakaways in life and someone or something gets in the way? Do we get a penalty shot or a goal? No, but we should. For example:
-- For would-be spouses who leave the fiance at the altar, punishment will be as follows, no exception: Government agents will come to your house in the middle of the night and kidnap the other man or woman and place them in a homewrecker witness protection program never to be seen again, while you try unsuccessfully to crawl back to the fiance who by now has gone on your honeymoon with friends and who has cleaned out that joint checking account you started thinking you'd use it to buy that cute little starter house.
-- For scam artists like Madoff or others who steal the life savings of people and non-profit organizations, right when they were needing it the most to retire or pursue other endeavors: Forget jail and lawsuits and all that crap. Just take the little sociopaths to the Nevada desert, and leave them there with a double wide, one bottle of water, an application for the minimum wage job pumping gas down the highway about three miles, no car and a month's worth of food stamps. No need to spend upwards of $30,000 a year of our tax money feeding and housing the little buggers.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 571, Prevention of Infections by Blood.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Don't Throw the Stick, Don't Look at the Stick, Don't Feed the Stick Snacks.
The distraction: Getting excited to see the Canadian band Great Big Sea at the Oregon Zoo on Wednesday.
Why: Because they are the best band to see on a warm summer night in a park. And, to refresh, I'll find links to hockey in every part of my life. Don't believe me? Check this out: Bassist Murray Foster is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and he accurately predicted the outcome of the Canada vs. US Olympic Gold Medal Game. Oh, and he's also totally hot.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 569, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Within the Playing Area.
569.a: Any player or goalkeeper on the ice or bench or team official, who shoots or throws a stick or any part of it, or any object, or who directs (with any part of the body) a stick, any part of it, or any object in the direction of the puck or puck carrier in the Attacking Zone of his team, or in the Neutral Zone shall be assessed a minor penalty. Now, if that wasn't confusing enough, here's more:
Note: the position of the puck or puck carrier at the moment when a stick or any part of it, or any object is thrown, shot or directed (with any part of the body) by an opposing player in the direction of the puck or puck carrier is the determining factor whether to assess a Minor penalty or award a Penalty Shot.
Morals of the story:
The game: When assessing penalties for throwing objects within the playing area, it's good to have options. Also, this may be the only rule I've seen so far that is not accompanied by "at the discretion of the Referee" or "in the judgment of the Referee." If only players would man up and not do immature things like throw objects within or out of the playing area, then we wouldn't even need this rule. But alas, as in life, babies will be babies.
Life: My father once literally threw a math book at me and told me I was an idiot. He was so pissed off, he went outside and tried to water a cactus. Mind, my father majored in engineering at Stanford, while I myself had loftier ambitions like writing best selling novels and starving in a third floor walkup. Plus, my mother told him "Samantha will never be good at math" and then called a tutor. I got the life version of a minor penalty and had to spend precious free time under the tutelage of a math tutor the rest of high school and part of college. But like the rules, it didn't necessarily change my ways. I still can't balance my checkbook without the help of an Excel spreadsheet. And so, just like taking a penalty in hockey, sometimes we take the punishment and we go right back to our lives.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 570, Throwing a Stick or Any Object on a Breakaway Situation.
Why: Because they are the best band to see on a warm summer night in a park. And, to refresh, I'll find links to hockey in every part of my life. Don't believe me? Check this out: Bassist Murray Foster is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and he accurately predicted the outcome of the Canada vs. US Olympic Gold Medal Game. Oh, and he's also totally hot.
The rule: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 569, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Within the Playing Area.
569.a: Any player or goalkeeper on the ice or bench or team official, who shoots or throws a stick or any part of it, or any object, or who directs (with any part of the body) a stick, any part of it, or any object in the direction of the puck or puck carrier in the Attacking Zone of his team, or in the Neutral Zone shall be assessed a minor penalty. Now, if that wasn't confusing enough, here's more:
Note: the position of the puck or puck carrier at the moment when a stick or any part of it, or any object is thrown, shot or directed (with any part of the body) by an opposing player in the direction of the puck or puck carrier is the determining factor whether to assess a Minor penalty or award a Penalty Shot.
Morals of the story:
The game: When assessing penalties for throwing objects within the playing area, it's good to have options. Also, this may be the only rule I've seen so far that is not accompanied by "at the discretion of the Referee" or "in the judgment of the Referee." If only players would man up and not do immature things like throw objects within or out of the playing area, then we wouldn't even need this rule. But alas, as in life, babies will be babies.
Life: My father once literally threw a math book at me and told me I was an idiot. He was so pissed off, he went outside and tried to water a cactus. Mind, my father majored in engineering at Stanford, while I myself had loftier ambitions like writing best selling novels and starving in a third floor walkup. Plus, my mother told him "Samantha will never be good at math" and then called a tutor. I got the life version of a minor penalty and had to spend precious free time under the tutelage of a math tutor the rest of high school and part of college. But like the rules, it didn't necessarily change my ways. I still can't balance my checkbook without the help of an Excel spreadsheet. And so, just like taking a penalty in hockey, sometimes we take the punishment and we go right back to our lives.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 570, Throwing a Stick or Any Object on a Breakaway Situation.
Friday, July 23, 2010
So, No Throwing a Puck at Irate Hockey Fans, Then?
The distraction: Watching the off-season remodeling project that is the Tampa Bay Lightning. Now mind, with the honkin' tall French captain at the helm, I'll watch them even when they suck. But still, with Steven Stamkos' meteoric rise and the new addition of Simon Gagne, one must take this opportunity to silently salute Steve Yzerman. Or loudly. Your choice, really.
The other distractions: Sci-Fi geek shows like "Eureka" and "Haven." Don't think there's a hockey connection? Think again. Haven is filmed in Nova Scotia, home province of Sidney Crosby and Eureka is filmed in and around Vancouver and BC, home to the Canucks and an assortment of AHL, WHL and whatever-HL teams. To refresh, going three months without live hockey is simply not healthy for some people.
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 567, Refusing to Start Play - Team Not on the Ice. Rule 568, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Out of the Playing Area.
As if one guy pouting and refusing to come out of his dressing room stall was bad enough, thank god there's this rule: 567.a. If a team, which is not on the ice, fails to go on the ice to start playing when ordered by the Referee through the Captain, Manager or Coach, the Referee shall allow to the refusing team two minutes to resume the game. 567.b. If you are good boys and resume playing, the Referee only awards the offending team a bench minor. But if you insist on sitting on the bench or in the dressing room until you turn blue in the face, you forfeit the game.
Rule 568: Any player or goalkeeper who throws a stick, any part of it, or any other object out of the playing area shall be assessed a game misconduct penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: This rule doesn't specify what qualifies as "any other object." But considering that most of the non-playing area is protected by glass and netting, it's a limited selection: stick, puck, water bottle, maybe a Ref's whistle or possibly a jersey. But I guess they need to cover their bases in case someone gets crafty and decides to dislodge the goal from the frame AND throw it out of the playing area. In the end, these are really just the rules that tell players they can't pout like little boys by refusing to start play or throwing objects into oblivion just because a play didn't go their way.
Life: So, what if all the employees in a company decided not to come in to work, instead of just one? Or all the students paying that six-figure tuition decided not to come to class today? What if everyone who takes the slightest inch of crap from a boss, bagged it and went fishing? In reality we'd get the equivalent of forfeiture...of our jobs, of our education, of our future.
Life has a way of stopping us when we try to break free of its rules. Like this rule, the punishment for standing your ground is too severe, so most of us don't do it. Now mind, sitting on the bench and refusing to start play while millions of dollars, fan favor and the Refs' patience runs out should be punished. But in life, standing your ground isn't always a bad thing. The trick is knowing when it's ok to lose your nice safe life and when it isn't. For example: if you are or are about to turn into one of those people in your office who already looks exhausted on Monday, doesn't care about whether they look or act professional, is just there for the job security and the paycheck, and gets on the elevator every day and says the same thing... "I'll just be glad when this day is over"....that's probably the time when it's ok to break out of the life you're living and damn the rules.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 569, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Within the Playing Area.
The other distractions: Sci-Fi geek shows like "Eureka" and "Haven." Don't think there's a hockey connection? Think again. Haven is filmed in Nova Scotia, home province of Sidney Crosby and Eureka is filmed in and around Vancouver and BC, home to the Canucks and an assortment of AHL, WHL and whatever-HL teams. To refresh, going three months without live hockey is simply not healthy for some people.
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 567, Refusing to Start Play - Team Not on the Ice. Rule 568, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Out of the Playing Area.
As if one guy pouting and refusing to come out of his dressing room stall was bad enough, thank god there's this rule: 567.a. If a team, which is not on the ice, fails to go on the ice to start playing when ordered by the Referee through the Captain, Manager or Coach, the Referee shall allow to the refusing team two minutes to resume the game. 567.b. If you are good boys and resume playing, the Referee only awards the offending team a bench minor. But if you insist on sitting on the bench or in the dressing room until you turn blue in the face, you forfeit the game.
Rule 568: Any player or goalkeeper who throws a stick, any part of it, or any other object out of the playing area shall be assessed a game misconduct penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: This rule doesn't specify what qualifies as "any other object." But considering that most of the non-playing area is protected by glass and netting, it's a limited selection: stick, puck, water bottle, maybe a Ref's whistle or possibly a jersey. But I guess they need to cover their bases in case someone gets crafty and decides to dislodge the goal from the frame AND throw it out of the playing area. In the end, these are really just the rules that tell players they can't pout like little boys by refusing to start play or throwing objects into oblivion just because a play didn't go their way.
Life: So, what if all the employees in a company decided not to come in to work, instead of just one? Or all the students paying that six-figure tuition decided not to come to class today? What if everyone who takes the slightest inch of crap from a boss, bagged it and went fishing? In reality we'd get the equivalent of forfeiture...of our jobs, of our education, of our future.
Life has a way of stopping us when we try to break free of its rules. Like this rule, the punishment for standing your ground is too severe, so most of us don't do it. Now mind, sitting on the bench and refusing to start play while millions of dollars, fan favor and the Refs' patience runs out should be punished. But in life, standing your ground isn't always a bad thing. The trick is knowing when it's ok to lose your nice safe life and when it isn't. For example: if you are or are about to turn into one of those people in your office who already looks exhausted on Monday, doesn't care about whether they look or act professional, is just there for the job security and the paycheck, and gets on the elevator every day and says the same thing... "I'll just be glad when this day is over"....that's probably the time when it's ok to break out of the life you're living and damn the rules.
Next up: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 569, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Within the Playing Area.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Game Misconduct for Refusing to Start Play Until the NHL Gives You $100 Million.
The distraction: A sudden interest in the NHLPA's collective bargaining argreement.
Why: Because the League has rejected the Kovalchuk deal on the grounds it circumvented the collective bargaining agreement. Duh. How else do you sign somebody to a $100 million-plus deal over 17 years, the last 4 of which he will likely be retired? One word: Lockout. It happened once. It can happen again, if deals like this are allowed to transpire.
Now, as home to the number 4 and 5 NHL draft picks from 2010, I love Portland, I really do. But: We really shouldn't try to pretend that we are fashionable. Practical, sturdy and hard-working honest people we are, but fashion forward we are not. We try. We do. But maybe we shouldn't. For example:
-- It is never ok to combine cargo pants, a sweatshirt with a gingham teddy bear on the front and 5-inch stilettos. I don't care what you saw in Vogue. It's just wrong.
-- Women in their 40s should not prance about in jeans that sit just below the hips with studded belts, and tattoos sticking out of their Rainbow Brite t-shirts. And especially not if the Rainbow Brite t-shirt is, after 100 plus rounds in the dryer, a belly shirt that exposes the muffin top sitting neatly atop the studded belt. Put it down, walk away. No exceptions.
It's kind of like these rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 565, Officials Leaving the Player's Bench. Rule 566, Refusing to Start Play - Team on the Ice.
Rule 565: Any team official who goes on the ice during any period without the permission of the Referee shall be assessed a game misconduct penalty.
And I still don't understand how teams think this will end well:
Rule 566: a. If, when both teams are on the ice and one team refuses to start play for any reason when ordered to do so by the Referee, the Referee shall warn the Captain and allow the team so refusing 3o seconds to the begin the game or resume play. c. If there be a recurrence of the same incident, the Referee shall declare the game forfeited to the non-offending team and the case shall be reporter to the proper authorities.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, what if the Captain's the one who instigates his teammates into not starting play? Does an alternate Captain get warned because the big C is in the corner crying until he turns blue in the face? And dudes, the only other place in which the phrase "proper authorities" is used is the law. The law isn't messing around and neither is an international sports organization that suffered the consequences of sanctioning their PR guy to rip Sidney Crosby a new one in an unmitigated and unsporstmanlike online tirade. Just get back in the game and deal with your crap later.
Life: If you do the equivalent of refusing to start play at your job, you get fired. If you refuse to pull into the main street out of a parking lot, even though the main street is wide open, while other drivers sit helplessly behind you, they will get out of their car, reach through your partially open window and rip your head off so they can decorate their dashboard with it. And if you refuse to turn off a cell phone while on a date or any other personal interaction with me, I will glare at you so hard you will spontaneously burst into flames, therefore guaranteeing that I'll never have to talk to you again. So, perhaps, on occasion, there is justice in hockey and in life.
Next up on 7/22: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 567, Refusing to Start Play - Team on the Ice. Rule 568, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Out of the Playing Area.
Why: Because the League has rejected the Kovalchuk deal on the grounds it circumvented the collective bargaining agreement. Duh. How else do you sign somebody to a $100 million-plus deal over 17 years, the last 4 of which he will likely be retired? One word: Lockout. It happened once. It can happen again, if deals like this are allowed to transpire.
Now, as home to the number 4 and 5 NHL draft picks from 2010, I love Portland, I really do. But: We really shouldn't try to pretend that we are fashionable. Practical, sturdy and hard-working honest people we are, but fashion forward we are not. We try. We do. But maybe we shouldn't. For example:
-- It is never ok to combine cargo pants, a sweatshirt with a gingham teddy bear on the front and 5-inch stilettos. I don't care what you saw in Vogue. It's just wrong.
-- Women in their 40s should not prance about in jeans that sit just below the hips with studded belts, and tattoos sticking out of their Rainbow Brite t-shirts. And especially not if the Rainbow Brite t-shirt is, after 100 plus rounds in the dryer, a belly shirt that exposes the muffin top sitting neatly atop the studded belt. Put it down, walk away. No exceptions.
It's kind of like these rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 565, Officials Leaving the Player's Bench. Rule 566, Refusing to Start Play - Team on the Ice.
Rule 565: Any team official who goes on the ice during any period without the permission of the Referee shall be assessed a game misconduct penalty.
And I still don't understand how teams think this will end well:
Rule 566: a. If, when both teams are on the ice and one team refuses to start play for any reason when ordered to do so by the Referee, the Referee shall warn the Captain and allow the team so refusing 3o seconds to the begin the game or resume play. c. If there be a recurrence of the same incident, the Referee shall declare the game forfeited to the non-offending team and the case shall be reporter to the proper authorities.
Morals of the story:
The game: So, what if the Captain's the one who instigates his teammates into not starting play? Does an alternate Captain get warned because the big C is in the corner crying until he turns blue in the face? And dudes, the only other place in which the phrase "proper authorities" is used is the law. The law isn't messing around and neither is an international sports organization that suffered the consequences of sanctioning their PR guy to rip Sidney Crosby a new one in an unmitigated and unsporstmanlike online tirade. Just get back in the game and deal with your crap later.
Life: If you do the equivalent of refusing to start play at your job, you get fired. If you refuse to pull into the main street out of a parking lot, even though the main street is wide open, while other drivers sit helplessly behind you, they will get out of their car, reach through your partially open window and rip your head off so they can decorate their dashboard with it. And if you refuse to turn off a cell phone while on a date or any other personal interaction with me, I will glare at you so hard you will spontaneously burst into flames, therefore guaranteeing that I'll never have to talk to you again. So, perhaps, on occasion, there is justice in hockey and in life.
Next up on 7/22: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 567, Refusing to Start Play - Team on the Ice. Rule 568, Throwing a Stick or Any Object Out of the Playing Area.
Monday, July 19, 2010
So, Sometimes Sitting on the Bench Can Be a Good Thing.
The distraction: Keeping track of the Portland Winterhawks' whereabouts in the NHL, AHL, ECHL and whatever else-HL. I'm pleased to report that all three of the overage players who had to leave us at the end of this past season are present and accounted for somewhere in the hockey world. Stefan Schneider signed with the Vancouver Canucks in the mother of all underdog stories, Chris Francis signed with the Springfield Falcons (AHL affiliate of the Columbus Blue Jackets) and defenseman Eric Doyle just signed with the Ontario Reign in the ECHL. All Winterhawks eligible in one way or another have either been drafted or on their way to playing more hockey one way or another. At last, I can sleep at night.
Oohh, did I say that out loud?: Ilya Kovalchuk is re-upping with the Devils, after the almost deal with the LA Kings didn't quite meet his salary demands. Refresh me, exactly how many Stanley Cups has he won? And how deep into the playoffs did Jersey get this year? Oh right...zero and not very far. Definitely worth $100 million.
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 563, Players Leaving the Penalty Bench. Rule 564, Players Leaving the Benches During an Altercation.
So, basically, don't leave the bench unless it's for a good reason:
563.a: Except at the end of a period, a penalized player who leaves the penalty bench before his penalty time has expired shall be assessed a minor penalty.
And if you're planning to leave the bench to commit yet another offense:
563.b: If the violation occurs during a stoppage of play during an altercation, the offending player shall be assessed a minor penalty and game misconduct penalty, to be served at the expiration of his previous penalty. Ditto if you get up from the penalty bench to challenge an official's ruling. Like he's going to take you seriously if you do? Please. The penalty bench is the grown up hockey equivalent of a time out. Or, in my generation when you weren't busted for such things, a swat on the behind. So coming off the bench to announce your presence with authority isn't really going to hold a lot of weight with someone whose job description includes "at the disrection of" or "in the judgment of."
So, if that didn't convince you, maybe this will:
564.a: No player shall leave the player's or penalty bench at any time during an altercation. The first player to lead the way gets a double minor and a game misconduct penalty. Anyone who follows him gets a 10 minute misconduct penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: Like life, there are times to sit on the bench and times to leave. Want to survive in the big time? Learn the difference. If enough players do this, at the wrong time in a playoff game, the whole team and their chance are toast.
Life: We tell our children "do as I say, not as I do." We tell them "if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Why? Because following the lead of others isn't always the right thing to do. History has shown this to be true. I grew up in the seventies and eighties, when the aftermath of the Charles Manson murders and the Jonestown massacre were making headlines. Perhaps if life punished us with the equivalent of a minor penalty and game misconduct we wouldn't be so eager to follow the leader. For example:
-- Automatic banishment to a deserted island with no cable TV, no cell phone and no high-speed internet for a period of one month for each day that you follow the lead of other people who talk too loudly on their cell phone in a bus, train, book store or other inappropriate location.
-- For fashion designers of the eighties who followed the lead of some dimwit who decided that embedding women's clothing with shoulder pads was a good idea, eternal house arrest consisting of confinement to a closet with all of their worst fashion designs, including but not limited to those plastic gel shoes in fabulous understated classic colors like fuschia and yellow (which apparently, are making a comeback), the Flashdance legwarmer/torn sweatshirt combo and stirrup pants.
Next up on 7/21: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 565, Team Officials Leaving the Player's Bench. Rule 566, Refusing to Start Play - Team on the Ice.
Oohh, did I say that out loud?: Ilya Kovalchuk is re-upping with the Devils, after the almost deal with the LA Kings didn't quite meet his salary demands. Refresh me, exactly how many Stanley Cups has he won? And how deep into the playoffs did Jersey get this year? Oh right...zero and not very far. Definitely worth $100 million.
The rules: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 563, Players Leaving the Penalty Bench. Rule 564, Players Leaving the Benches During an Altercation.
So, basically, don't leave the bench unless it's for a good reason:
563.a: Except at the end of a period, a penalized player who leaves the penalty bench before his penalty time has expired shall be assessed a minor penalty.
And if you're planning to leave the bench to commit yet another offense:
563.b: If the violation occurs during a stoppage of play during an altercation, the offending player shall be assessed a minor penalty and game misconduct penalty, to be served at the expiration of his previous penalty. Ditto if you get up from the penalty bench to challenge an official's ruling. Like he's going to take you seriously if you do? Please. The penalty bench is the grown up hockey equivalent of a time out. Or, in my generation when you weren't busted for such things, a swat on the behind. So coming off the bench to announce your presence with authority isn't really going to hold a lot of weight with someone whose job description includes "at the disrection of" or "in the judgment of."
So, if that didn't convince you, maybe this will:
564.a: No player shall leave the player's or penalty bench at any time during an altercation. The first player to lead the way gets a double minor and a game misconduct penalty. Anyone who follows him gets a 10 minute misconduct penalty.
Morals of the story:
The game: Like life, there are times to sit on the bench and times to leave. Want to survive in the big time? Learn the difference. If enough players do this, at the wrong time in a playoff game, the whole team and their chance are toast.
Life: We tell our children "do as I say, not as I do." We tell them "if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Why? Because following the lead of others isn't always the right thing to do. History has shown this to be true. I grew up in the seventies and eighties, when the aftermath of the Charles Manson murders and the Jonestown massacre were making headlines. Perhaps if life punished us with the equivalent of a minor penalty and game misconduct we wouldn't be so eager to follow the leader. For example:
-- Automatic banishment to a deserted island with no cable TV, no cell phone and no high-speed internet for a period of one month for each day that you follow the lead of other people who talk too loudly on their cell phone in a bus, train, book store or other inappropriate location.
-- For fashion designers of the eighties who followed the lead of some dimwit who decided that embedding women's clothing with shoulder pads was a good idea, eternal house arrest consisting of confinement to a closet with all of their worst fashion designs, including but not limited to those plastic gel shoes in fabulous understated classic colors like fuschia and yellow (which apparently, are making a comeback), the Flashdance legwarmer/torn sweatshirt combo and stirrup pants.
Next up on 7/21: Section 5, Penalties. Other Penalties. Rule 565, Team Officials Leaving the Player's Bench. Rule 566, Refusing to Start Play - Team on the Ice.
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