Monday, May 10, 2010

I Give Up. I Owe Mike A Beer.

The game: Pittsburgh vs. Montreal.

Why I chose it: Because it was what the playoffs are all about. Montreal goes home or Montreal forces Game 7. In this case, it would have been more like the Habs stay home, because they were on home ice for Game 6.

Alas, it's back to Pittsburgh: Final score...Montreal 4, Pittsburgh 3. But that last goal by Sergei Gonchar and Bill Guerin was still pretty cool.

And across the pond: Switzerland blanked Italy 3-0 in the IIHF World Champinoships, though sadly none of the goals were courtesy of Nino Niederreiter. They play Canada on Wednesday. Plus half the NHL that's not playing in the playoffs is in Germany competing on their respective home countries' teams. Note to self: don't be a dingdong like you were for the Olympics and make plans for the world championships next year.

I wonder if any of these penalties are being called in Germany: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 511, Goalkeeper Penalty Procedure. Rule 512, Coincidental Penalties.

We knew this, but just in case: The goalkeeper never goes to the penalty bench for Minor or first Misconduct penalties assessed to the goalkeeper:

-- The goalkeeper continues to play.
-- His penalty shall be served by another member of his team who was on the ice at the time the play was stopped to assess the penalty for the infraction and was designated by the Manager or Coach through the Captain.

But if he really screws up, forget it: For Major, Game Misconduct or Match penalties, the goalkeeper shall be ruled off the ice for the balance of the game. He is replaced by a substitute goalkeeper, if available, or another member of his team who is given 10 minutes to change into the goalie's gear. 10 minutes to put on all that gear? Is there a special class for non-goalkeepers to learn how to put all of that crap on in less than 15 minutes? Because there should be.

Rule 512, Coincidental Penalties: 512.a. When an equal number of penalties (Minor, Major or Match) are assessed to both teams at the same stoppage of play, such penalties shall be known as coincidental penalties. Simple, right? Please...this is hockey. 512.d. There is only one exception to this rule: when both teams are at full strength on the ice, no substitution shall be permitted if only one minor penalty is assessed to one player on each team at the same stoppage of play. In the application of this rule, Minor and Bench Minor penalties considered as identical.

And if you were wondering about the difference between Minor and Bench Minor penalties, as I still do, here it is: Minor penalty must be served by the player who committed the infraction. For a bench minor, ANY player can serve it. Also, bench minors can be assessed to coaches for unprofessional behavior like arguing with the refs.

Morals of the story:

The game: I was ok with the goalkeeper never goes to the penalty bench, but you lost me after that. But I have realized that if I even knew the first thing about doing little more than skating around in circles on a rink and I played goalie, and I figured how to get all the gear on...I'd be like the little boy in "A Christmas Story" who falls down while he's wearing the snowsuit and can't get back up. I might get in, but I'd never get back out.

Life: Not going to the penalty bench and letting other employees serve it for you is a lot like what CEOs do every day. They just keep going and keep making mistakes and other people in their companies and their customers must pay for it. There should be a Major, Game Misconduct or Match penalty assessed, so they can leave the game and someone with half a brain and no ego can step into their shoes, such as:

-- Major penalty in the form of foreclosure on the country house that was photographed for Architectural Digest. If you want to get away from it all on the weekends, you will be given a voucher for any one of several very lovely Super 8 Motels in the area.

-- Match penalty in the form of someone else taking responsibility for your error, but in return they get to leave hourly voicemails, texts, emails (whatever works for them) with the insult or derogatory comment of their choosing. This will not be limited to work hours, and said messages may be left for you whilst asleep, on vacation or away from the office, so that you have a constant reminder of your epic failings.

-- Game misconduct to include all of the above, automatic firing and a "wanted" style notice to all major companies in the area, in case you try to peddle your bullshit somewhere else.

Next up: I will be hiding under something for the Montreal vs. Pittsburgh Game 7, but in the event I come out: Section 5, Penalties. Rule 513, Delayed Penalty.

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